A List of Fun

I am getting really close to being done with this quarter. I can almost taste it. Since I am getting so close, I want to write a brief summary of what I learned this quarter and then I want to make a list of the (mostly) non-school stuff that I am going to do over this break.

The most important thing that I learned this quarter is that I have a limit to how much I can focus on at one time. I took four classes and I had a research residency. It was too much. I was able to meet all of the minimum requirements for the classes and I don't think that I will do poorly in any of them, but being overburdened certainly prevented me from getting everything that I could have from any of the classes. I was just trying to meet the basic requirements and learn the things that I would need - essentially, I wasn't being the same student that I have been in other quarters. As I was working on my final presentations and papers, I noticed that due to time constraints, I wasn't putting out work that was my best work. I don't like that feeling, and I have definitely learned that the downside of trying to do everything at one time is that you don't do any of those things very well.

The second thing that I've realized is that it takes me a significant amount of time to "come down" after the end of each quarter. I have this jittery feeling. That could be because I still have things to do before the quarter is truly over for me, but I remember this feeling hanging on through previous breaks. In previous posts, I have presented the idea that part of the PhD process is being "socialized." Part of this feeling is, I think, related to my increasing socialization. I always feel like there is something else that I should be doing. This is not a feeling that I like and it is a part of this process that I am actively trying to not internalize. I like to relax, and I don't want to spend the rest of my career being unable to leave my work at work - at least most of the time.

Now, for the fun stuff! Here is a list of things that I am going to start doing as soon as I turn in the last required paper, final or project for this quarter:

1. Work on only one thing related to school  - funding opportunities
2. Yoga
3. Jog again
4. Decorate for the holidays
5. Bake cookies!
6. Read the third book in the Millenium Series
7. Shop for holiday gifts
8. Finish knitting the project that I started last winter break
9. TAKE THE WEEKENDS OFF! (Or at least I will try...)

Once I do a little decorating, I'll post a picture or two. :)

The end is in sight!

Tomorrow is the first day of week 10. The quarter is almost over, but like the most difficult quarters it is heavily backloaded. In fact, my last assignment is due on December 6th, which leaves 11 days (including today) to finish everything. I am counting down on my facebook page.

In reality, the end of the quarter does not mean that I will be able to just stop doing stuff related to school. I will still be going in to my research residency, which I am continuing through next quarter. Additionally, I will be focusing *HARD* on preparing applications for funding opportunities over the break. But, I will be able to actually focus more on those without feeling the constant worry that I am neglecting my classes. Also, next quarter I won't be taking as many classes as I did this quarter. In fact, I hope that I will never take as heavy a load as this quarter again.

I am staying motivated by having a list of things that I need to complete to end the quarter and then crossing off things as I finish them. Here's the list:
1. Edit Final Policy Paper
2. Turn in Final Policy Paper
3. Draft Final Theory Paper
4. Edit Final Theory Paper
5. Turn in Final Theory Paper
6. Final Review of Policy Presentation
7. Present Policy Presentation
8. Readings for Stats.
9. Prepare Stats Final Project Presentation
10. Present Stats Final Project
11. Prepare Stats Final Project Write-Up
12. Turn in Stats Final Project Write-Up
13. Theory Readings I missed last week
14. Qual. Readings
15. Edit Qual. Paper
16. Turn In Qual. Paper
17. Complete Statistics Final Exam
18. Review Completed Statistics Final
19. Turn in the Statistics Final Exam

Because it makes me feel less stressed, I will come back here and line out the things that I complete....
I *love* lists. They make it all seem achievable!

Also, what's getting me through these last 11 days is the knowledge that as soon as this stuff is done and turned in, I am going to decorate for the holidays, start doing yoga again, start jogging again and start taking weekends off again. Perhaps most importantly, I am going to start reading non-assigned things again!!!

For all my friends who are in nursing PhD programs: We're almost there! Good luck!

Week 7 - Almost Done or Almost Out of Time

Yesterday, I was reminded of two of my parents' sayings.
My dad used to say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
My mom would say, "Try to see what this experience is teaching you."
I hate both of those sayings. It is even more annoying that they are both true and useful.

In my fourth and often, most difficult, class I have had to struggle with trying to determine what I was learning. And even more importantly, how the class was benefiting me and my developing research skills. But, yesterday that all became a lot more clear. So, while I would still recommend that PhD students attempt to take classes that are useful to their education and future research, I would also remind us (me included) that usefulness can be defined in many, many ways. AND, I would refer us all back to my mother's saying above. There is almost always something that can be learned!

So, week seven. I think that these last few weeks are always the hardest. Papers and projects are looming, but classes are still continuing at full pace. This year, two of my classes require the final papers in the 10th week of the quarter instead of the 11th, which is the typical "finals week." In addition, we have projects coming up at my research residency. I'm feeling a little pinched for time.

However, this year I don't feel overwhelmed. My favorite holidays are approaching, I'm in a much better place in this program - I have a research question and a plan, and I've been feeling pretty accomplished lately. For everybody in the first year, I would like to tell you that the second year isn't easier, but it is better!

Boris likes to help me write papers...

A How To Guide for the PhD Student Who Has Chosen Option B...

At the start of this quarter I was presented with a choice. I could do the best thing for my sanity and limit my course load to three or I could do the politically appropriate thing and take an additional course that needed more people to continue. I chose option B.

I would like to say that I did this because I understood the inherent political ramifications of refusing to take a course offered the department of which I am a member, or I could tell the truth and say that I did it because a friend asked me to. I guess the previous sentence gave away my actual motivation - the political benefit was only pointed out to me later by my mentor.

The end result of choice B is that I signed up for a fourth class. This is not a bad thing in and of itself, and I went into it with the view that it was a course I had expected to take and that it would be useful for me so it would probably be okay in the end. This was incorrect. No, let's phrase this a little better: My assumption was flat-out, no questions asked, unequivocally WRONG. And I would have dropped the class after my first attended day, but someone had already pointed out the political ramification issue and I felt stuck. Actually, beyond feeling stuck, I am, in reality, wedged like Winnie-the Pooh trying to get out a tiny window in a Milne story.

So, here is a how-to guide for when my readers someday get stuck in a class that they wish they hadn't taken:

1. Drop the class. 
No really, if it is at all possible, drop the class. Now, I am not advocating dropping classes that are hard, or boring, or that have a lot of reading. I am only advocating dropping a class if it meets ALL of these three requirements: It is useless to you, and not required and taking up a ton of time and (this requirement is optional) possibly sucking the joy from your life.

2. If #1 is truly not possible, attempt to continue, using the following techniques:

• From day one (or as early as you realize the class is only pain) begin reading the required readings for the sole purpose of fulfilling the required assignments. Look for the answers! Usually, I read things in this program as a thinking, knowledge-gaining exercise. I read them critically and I think about them long after I've stopped reading them. Not in a class like this. I am looking for the way to write the paper and save time for other readings!
• Spend time actively trying to apply (even if you've decided that it isn't possible) something from the class to your area of interest. If nothing else this is a thinking exercise and will keep you moderately engaged.
• Ask for help. From the professor, the other students in your class, or someone who has taken it before.
• Move towards a place of acceptance and recognize that you may not get an A, ever use the material, or feel good about taking the time to take this course. Remember hopelessness does not help you finish the readings....

I'm off to the course that inspired this entry now.

Addendum: After discussion with my husband, he did point out that someone reading this might think that I disliked the class. I want to clarify. I really like the class. I just don't have room for things that aren't directly applicable at this point. This class offers the benefits of practicing critical thinking, critique, logical reasoning skills and some really important discussion. I just wish they were directly applicable to my work!

The more things change...

Tomorrow I fly out to speak at a conference. I am really, really nervous. In my clinical career I rarely had a reason for public speaking and when I did it was usually with friends. Now, I am supposed to know something and present it to others. I feel both honored and inadequate. I keep wanting to call up the person who should be going, because I  can not possibly be the appropriate person. But, then I remember that I've been studying one thing now for over a year, and I think, okay, I'm not an expert, but I have read a lot about this....

In other news, there are lots of exciting non-school related things happening as well. My best friend might be in labor (RIGHT NOW!!!!!) in my hometown and my sister is kicking butt in her first year of college. Both of these things are amazing in their own right, but they are also awesome reminders (and reassurances) of life outside of school. It may seem incomprehensible to me on most days, but there is a a whole world outside of this program! I keep reminding myself that I can take my time and learn everything I need to here because there will still be life when I finish school.


In specific school news, the quarter is officially half-way over. I am gearing up for first drafts of final papers. Before I can do that, though, I need one textbook on a particular theoretical perspective to arrive and I need to read it. Anymore, the assignments can not be completed with just the assigned readings. You know that whole list of "recommended" reading that are in the various syllabi we have all received in our lives? Yeah, well now, sometimes I read those. Sometimes, I read all of them. (The part that I don't really want to say out loud is that usually I enjoy reading them....)

I'm off to sleep, the super shuttle will be picking me up in the wee morning hours.

Week Three

I finally have all of my textbooks! And I am caught up in all of my classes except one! This is making me feel a lot more comfortable right now. I am still taking the heaviest course load that I've taken since I started the program, but now, I at least feel like I may be able to keep my head above water.

I think that this quarter, and year, is going to be very different. I have probably found my dissertation question and a dataset to use. This is the last year that I will have funding, and at the end of this school year, I will need to start writing my qualifying exams. This year is going to be big.

Thankfully, friends of mine brought this back for me from London:

I try to follow this advice...

One of the things that is going to be different is that I am going to need to start looking for funding sources. I have been keeping a list of possible grants since the middle of the last school year. I will need to start the applications in early December for many of them. Funding is really, really important for PhD students to obtain. It is not just important because it helps us do our work, but it demonstrates that we are competitive researchers and will help us get hired later as faculty. Universities expect their faculty to get grants and they hire people who have a demonstrated ability to do that.

Have a great Wednesday! I'm off to get my flu shot and then head in to class!

Lillian Wald, Lavinia Lloyd Dock, Margaret Sanger and Flo!

I wanted to put a post out at the end of the first week of the first quarter of my second year, so here it is.

This quarter, I have found myself in an interesting position. I don't, at the end of the first week of a ten week quarter, actually know how many classes I am taking. Someday, when you are future faculty, please plan ahead. Do not rely on your administrative assistant, TA or RA to post your class or organize your rooms. Your students will appreciate your effort. Essentially, one of my classes was posted incorrectly, other classes planned around the incorrect one, and now there is a sort of scheduling hell occurring. I may or may not be joining a fourth class this quarter. I'll know sometime in the early part of next week.

In addition, my professors posted book lists pretty late - around four days before classes started. And the reading is not a joke. I am already behind in a serious amount of reading. I might have bitten the bullet and paid full price at the university bookstore, but it doesn't carry very many books. I know. It is ridiculous. In fact, it is so ridiculous that the university is shutting the bookstore down entirely and people are losing their jobs. I would cite mismanagement, a lack of planning, the economy or an incredible lack of retail know-how, but really I am in awe of such an incredible example of stupidity on the part of a huge institution that I can't marshal my thoughts beyond, "Um, I'm sorry, did you say you're closing the only campus bookstore? No, seriously, tell me another one."

So I find myself in this situation where my panic is increasing as I fall behind, but there isn't much I can do about it because all my materials are in transit and I'm not even entirely sure what I should be doing since I don't know my full course load.

PhD study! Thy name is flexibility and ambiguity!

One of my classes is a saving grace. I am taking a theory course that is exceptional. The readings are thought-provoking and the professor is an example of what nursing once was and needs to be again: women who were social revolutionaries. I am in love with this class. When I was in high school, I won the Margaret Sanger award for social service. I hadn't thought about that until I sat in the first lecture of this theory class and we read the quotes of the first nurses who, against a patriarchal establishment, spoke the truth even when it was against the law to protect their patients.

My research residency continues to be an amazing, intense experience. One that I both enjoy and constantly feel is an exercise in humility.  In addition, I feel that the science I am able to observe and participate in is revolutionary. I am very lucky to be there.

So far, the second quarter seems to have two emerging themes: revolution and an effort to make sense of chaos.

Adjusted. (My Attitude That Is...)

I'm back and I'm much less fussy. I apologize for my last post. I was feeling pretty foul.

The reality of the PhD process is that there are some bad days. In speaking with some close friends, who are also members of my cohort, we concluded that a lot of this process is....humiliating, for lack of a better word.

Before my last post, it was requested that I write up a proposal as a part of my attempt to gain access to one of the datasets that I am interested in using for my dissertation. I made my best attempt at doing that, and got some criticism in return. It happens and it is good for me. Usually, I take criticism well, especially if it is constructive and from someone with an expertise in that area, which this was. Additionally, it wasn't mean-spirited or nit-picky. I think what made it sting more than it should have was that the response wasn't just sent to me, but to a few other people as well. Having spent some time reflecting on this, and having had some further interaction with everybody, I really think that nothing negative was intended. And, they certainly haven't said that I can't have access, so....

It was also a good reminder that science isn't a private endeavor. We don't want it to be. Good science is performed in the open, so that it can be commented upon, improved upon and done well. (However, since I work in a topic area that can be contentious, I would like to clarify that it is our peers in the scientific community, not just anybody, who should be commenting on the science. Ethical considerations are, of course, open to all....)

On another note, I want to talk briefly about some common sense things I've learned over the last year regarding publications. First, if you work on it, try to get your name on it. I know that may seem pretty basic. And before this week, I would have laughed at the suggestion that I would be so foolish as to work on something and not be a named author. Alas, irony is cruel.

 Remember my mother's saying (paraphrasing someone named Brandon Mull), "Smart people learn from their mistakes. Brilliant people learn from the mistakes of others." Be brilliant, learn from the people who have gone before.

Next, if you are getting funding from some entity, that funding must be mentioned in the publication. I was informed of this by the agency that funds me, and I have been careful to stress that my funding must be mentioned to the publishers of my (very few, but hopefully, soon to be greater in number) articles. I would not have known this, though, unless someone had told me.

Finally, use a citation software when you write articles. I am not going to name one because they all have flaws, and I'm not completely satisfied with any that I've tried. They are, however, really, really important if you write something and then need to change the citation style. Also, if you use it as you're writing, which is what I do, the program is able to organize your reference list and store your references for future papers. I tend to write things in APA format since that's what I used in both my undergraduate and master's program. However, I've had to submit papers in numbered notation and without the software, I would have had to go back and do that by hand. Which would have been really a bad experience. So, use something. For your own sanity.

School starts next week! I'm nervous and excited and completely amazed that I'm already starting the second year. To all readers who are starting programs this fall, I send you all of my hope that you will have as wonderful a first year as I did!!!

Days Like This

Today I asked myself, "Self, what made you think that you should pursue a PhD?"

The answer?

Ego, parental issues, stupidity, a desperate need to establish my mental limits through the experience of humiliating failure, and quite possibly, insanity.

It has been one of those days.

Thanks for listening.  I'll attempt to find my more positive self prior to my next post.

The Extremes of Binary Experience

The experience of my research residency seems to exist as either utter confusion or joy. I haven't yet found a middle ground. Let me present some examples:

Utter Confusion

Scenario One
Residency Advisor/Mentor (RA/M): "I have a great project idea for you!"
Me: "Oh, that sounds exciting!"
RA/M: "I think that you should enter this data into SPSS and analyze the differences between the groups."
Me (in my head): My classes have only covered SPSS peripherally, I have only a limited idea of how to use the program. I can theoretically discuss descriptive statistics and regression techniques, but I haven't ever applied them beyond the carefully selected examples in last year's classes. Help! 
Me: "That sounds really interesting, but I might need some help with the program, we've only used it a little in class."
RA/M: "I only use STATA. There is a book on how to use SPSS here." RA/M points to SPSS for Dummies.
Me: "..."

Scenario Two
(Searching for creamer to add to my desperately needed coffee in the breakroom.)
Me: "Come on, there has to be half and half in here somewhere!"
Other Office Person Who Happens to Wander In During My Desperate Search (OOPWHWDMDS): "There's creamer don't worry!" OOPWHWDMDS then hands me a container of liquid soy product.
Me: "Uh, I'm from Chicago....so I don't usually use soy... stuff... in my coffee."
OOPWHWDMDS: "Don't worry! You'll love it! And if you don't like this one, we have three other flavors that you might like better!"
Me: "..."

Scenario Three 
RA/M: "I need you to do X."
Me: "That's a big topic. I think that I can do the background over the next week."
RA/M: "I need it tomorrow."
Me: "..."

Moments of Joy:

One: Sitting in meetings where I think, I can't believe that we are doing such amazing research and the whole world isn't throwing a party. I am so lucky to be involved with something so important!

Two: Finding half and half in the fridge.

Three: Working on something I find so interesting that I work an entire 8 hour workday and it feels like thirty minutes.

Four: When I finish something, and somebody says, "Hey, good job!"

So far, I think that this is a pretty normal research residency experience. It is much more joy than utter confusion. I'm learning (some of it by trial and error) and I'm meeting some of the best researchers in my topic area.
It is thrilling and overwhelming...sometimes all at once.

Progress!

I may be getting closer to a more specific question for my dissertation! Also, I may be getting closer to a data set! I don't want to say too much...(I am after all a nurse, and while I don't believe in jinxing myself, I also don't disbelieve in the possibility...)

Anyway, it may be Saturday, but there is work to be done. I have found that I do get more done when I leave the house and go to the library. One of the many reasons why is pictured below:

Boris Sherlock, on my desk

But, sadly, in the summer my school library is closed on Saturdays. Oddly enough, they are open on Sundays. Maybe they want to force the neurotic, overworked graduate students to do something besides school on Saturday? I'd like to think that it is something like that instead of just budget cuts.

I have lots to do and I'm off to start it!
Boris is determined to help.

I just wish he'd stop stepping on the caps lock key.

Research Residencies

I know that I promised everybody a discussion about research residencies a looooong time ago. I apologize for the delay! I'll go ahead and post that information tonight.

First, a disclaimer: I'm not entirely sure if a research residency is a requirement in other PhD programs and additionally, I'm not sure if they are actually called "research residencies" even if they are required. However, I suspect that most programs that are offered in research intensive universities would require that a student gain some hands on research experience during their courses.

In my university (which shall remain nameless to protect my anonymity and ability to post honestly), roughly two quarters, or the equivalent credit hours of work done over a different number of quarters, are required. Additionally, the research residency must be performed before a student can write their qualifying exams, which I've written about previously. Since most people "write their quals" as it is called during the summer and/or fall following their second year, it is a good idea to do the research residency late in the first year or early in the second.

What each student does as a part of their residency is fairly unstructured. It should be something new, the student should learn something, and ideally, it would also benefit the professor or researcher. I have had classmates who have helped investigators file their IRB (Institutional Review Board or ethics committee) applications, help with participant interviews, write or edit publications, enter data, clean data, run statistical analyses or help with qualitative interpretation of data. While it might be nice to participate on a research project that directly related to a student's area of interest, that is not required.

Research residencies get chosen based on research topic, opportunities to learn necessary skills, comfort with a particular researcher, interest in an aspect of research that won't be covered in a student's program or sheer convenience. Some students, who are really quick, are able to negotiate credit for a research assistance-ship. Essentially what that neat trick results in is getting both credit and payment. To do that, a student would usually have a ton of work, and would exchange money for credit hours or credit hours for money. Hmmm, that came out wrong! I made it sound like a research drug deal - let me rephrase. Most students who are able to mix a research assistance-ship and research residency would get fewer than the usual three credit hours per quarter and not the full monetary benefit of the research assistance-ship position. It's both a win-win and lose-lose if you look at it closely.

The general consensus is that they are quite a bit of fun, if also a ton of work. My residency has so far helped me to feel very close to actual research, but it has also made me realize how amazing it is that any research gets done! The paperwork, huge amounts of data to be analyzed, committees, review boards, and work are stunning! I'm hoping to stay in my residency through December. Right now, I'm doing pretty much anything that I can to help. I've entered and cleaned data, done a bit of research on a topic that related peripherally to the project, helped the PI (primary investigator) do some paperwork, summed up other relevant research articles into little briefs for people, and been allowed to sit in on meetings.

So, that is the information. For the next few months, I'll be writing about my research residency in addition to my courses. Fall quarter is seeming closer every day now!

Taking Stock

There are two times a year that I usually find it interesting to stop and take stock of my situation. One is New Year's Eve and the second is my birthday. I don't really celebrate my birthday anymore, but I do like to do one or two things to mark the day. This year I will be going for a jog, having brunch with friends, reading whatever I want and maybe watching some "crap telly" as it is called on my new favorite Mystery! show.

These are all pretty basic things, but they represent gifts to myself. I want to jog because it is an example of how healthy I remain, and it also reminds me that I have to participate in my own health. Health maintenance isn't a passive process and as a nurse who recommends healthy lifestyle changes to people, I have to also be an example of those behaviors.  Eating brunch with friends reminds me that I am not alone in either my situation or my physical location. Finally, reading and watching TV may not seem like that much of a gift to myself, because I still do those things (though much less frequently than before I came back to school), but today I am going to do them without feeling any guilt. Today, I am going to try to not focus on what else I should be doing while I'm reading or watching TV and instead just read or watch TV.

Later on today, I am also planning to take a look at the remaining weeks before school starts and set some deadlines for my summer goals. I've been having a harder time than I expected re-acclimating to the PhD process since I returned from my vacation. I'm hoping that I can correct some of this by establishing a bit more structure. (I love planning and making lists - it is so fun to imagine what I might accomplish!)

To make my day perfect, I'm also planning to spend a fair amount of it with my new kitten, Boris, in my lap!

I'm off to have a wonderful birthday! I hope that everybody out there has a great day too. :)

Summer School

There have been lots of new developments since my last post. First, I've started my research residency. Second, we adopted a new kitten named Boris. And finally, I seemed to have started having panic attacks. And no, I don't think these are all connected...much. Maybe I should talk a little about each one separately...

My research residency is at a wonderful, wonderful place! Amazing research is performed there and I am soooo lucky to be there, even in my limited role. I've only been in for one week and already I love it. Right now my residency isn't particularly well-defined, but I'm expecting a more narrowly focused project or area to eventually  emerge. For now, I read a lot, spend a lot of time feeling pretty intimidated, and attempt to absorb any of the intelligence that just seems to be floating around the office!

After a long period of mourning for our companion animal, KitKit, we have adopted a new shelter kitten, Boris. He is very sweet and really cute. However, I had totally forgotten how *crazy* kittens are! I'm putting a picture of him after this paragraph:

Boris, 12 weeks old

Hopefully, in the next few months, he will stop chewing cords and start sleeping more at night. Until then, I will keep unplugging everything in my apartment at night and sleeping with earplugs!

Finally, my new and weird pseudo-panic attacks began last week. I have no idea what they are or why they are occurring. Basically, I start feeling really sweaty and panicky and short of breath and then it passes. It only happens when I have to speak in front of a group or when I'm in high-stress situation. I am hoping that they go away. Soon. I do think that they are a result of stress, but why they would start after I have just returned from a vacation doesn't make much sense to me. I kind of think that they might be my brain's way of protesting my return to work and school.

Anyway, things are going very well in general. Once I've spent a little more time in my research residency, I'll write a post with some more information on research residencies.Talk to you soon!

I'm back!

I arrived back in town yesterday and I already feel the need to jump back into work! The time off allowed me to clarify my goals for this summer in relation to the program. So here they are...

My goals for this summer:

1. Research residency
2. Find a data-set to use
3. Submit two papers for publication
4. Critical literature reviews on two possible dissertation topics
5. Finish my presentation preparation for the conference in October
6. Catch up on my nursing journal readings

I have a meeting this week on my research residency, and I'm in contact with someone regarding a possible data-set (after trying to contact three other people and getting no response...). Also, one of the papers to submit only needs edits.

I'll keep you updated!

I thought that I would close with a picture from my summer vacation...

Year-End Summary and Summer Intentions

I am at the end of my first year of doctoral work! It went by very, very quickly. I had planned on writing a summary full of important conclusions for you all, but I don't think that I've processed it that completely yet. Instead I have a list of tips for you, some thoughts, and a quick note about my summer postings.

Tips (In no particular order, except for number 1, which is the most important...):

• Get to know your cohort and create or find a group of friends from your cohort.
• Your family, close friends and spouse/partner want to help you. But this is an experience that is hard to fathom unless you are actively participating in it. You will need this group of friends!

• Read everything. 
• This is not the time to be skimping on the assigned readings.

• Draft your papers in advance. 
• Give yourself time to re-write them and edit them a few times before you turn them in. 

• Be committed.
• This is a process that could take all of your time. Everyday. You need to give it as much as you can without going nuts. A lot of this program is "guided," no one is spoon-feeding us anymore - your commitment is what will make the difference.

• Advisers are tricky, and every adviser/advisee relationship is unique. 
• Some of you will meet your adviser and know that you have made a friend for life. Some of you will not. My goal with my adviser is to make her laugh every time I see her; she looks like she needs it, and I keep thinking that humanity's common ground has to be humor, right?

• This is not a sprint. 
• You're a distance runner now. If you get out of the program fast, awesome, if you don't, well, you'll still make a "unique contribution to science" and make it out someday!

• Maintain your life. AKA: Be well-rounded. AKA: Get a hobby!
• Balance was hard for me, but it is so important. One of my cohorters is a competitive bike racer, another is in a community symphony. I am a runner and a traveler; I jog as often as I can and I'm always planning my next trip. Someone else I know in a program across the country writes fanfiction. Learn to knit. I don't care what it is, don't let it get lost! These are things that keep you sane.

• Be kind to yourself.
• I made mistakes, I did things wrong, and this program has been hard on me, my ego, and my heart at times. But, in the end, I'm a great nurse, and this is just me trying to fulfill my full potential. Nobody will live or die based on my PhD experience and I'm already pretty awesome. You are too - don't forget it.

I will be posting during the summer, but the posts will be sporadic. I've added some ways to follow the blog on e-mail, I hope those make it easier for people to know when I've posted something new. I'm hoping to do a research residency and I'm looking for data-sets for my dissertation. I think that those things might be useful to talk about a little as I do them. During the first part of the summer, though, I'll be traveling and my posts will probably be mostly pictures of those travels.

Finally, thanks to everyone who commented, discussed or just read this blog! I have loved your comments and input and I hope that you all keep reading!

Week 9, Reassurance, and Some New Thoughts on Working During the Program

First, I want to say to all my readers that it is week 9 of the third quarter! I am both terrified by this (because due dates are looming) and so happy that it almost makes me jittery (the end of this first year is in sight)! I also really, really wanted to say to every nurse considering doctoral studies that this quarter was not that bad. I apologize for painting it in such a bad light. It wasn't the quarter that was awful, it was everything that happened around me in my life. The problem of course is that school and non-school interact to create an entirely different effect on one's life than either of the two separately ever could. (As an aside, the idea of an "interaction" is a statistical one as well as a term that we use in everyday language. Statistics - it pops up everywhere...)

 I wanted to mention and discuss two pieces of advice that I was told near the beginning of this program as my opinion on both has been modified over the course of this first year. First, in the beginning of the program, lots of professors, your advisor, and other students like to give advice about working during the program. I've also written briefly about it on this blog. All of this advise will conflict. I was not forced to make a choice about working or not working as my funding restricted my work outside of the program. But, I have volunteered my time as a nurse practitioner and midwife at a clinic as I didn't want to lose any skills. Also, I couldn't imagine not caring for patients for that long.

I think that it might not be a bad idea to discuss some of the underlying views on this topic a bit more. Many would argue that a nurse PhD should be an expert in a content area, and since nursing is a practice discipline and we draw some of our research questions from practice, it makes sense that a nurse pursuing her PhD should continue working at least some of the time. Others would note that pursuing a PhD is a more than full-time job already, and that while nursing is a practice discipline, academia isn't, so why add to your burden?

There is a lot of stuff going on in both of those statements. There are some thoughts about roles, and the different roles of nurses, there are some issues with our identity as nurses, and there is some ambivalence about our views of academia and bedside nursing, both. Initially, I erred on the side of the second statement - this is a busy enough time, why add the stress of working? But, I've slowly been changing my mind.

Being a PhD student is like starting over as a kindergartner. Each student is learning new things, and no student is an expert in class. It is a humbling and occasionally humiliating experience. In some ways, it has been harder for me and my peers who have a lot of experience and considered ourselves really accomplished nurses in our fields. We aren't accomplished anymore! And while learning is great fun, we're newbies, and it isn't always a good feeling.

So when I go to the clinic for my volunteer hours, I get to feel so accomplished. I know what to do! I know how to communicate with the patients! I know how to help them! I am good at something again! It is amazing. As the first year has progressed, my need to be in the clinic, feeling capable has increased. So, I want to tell my readers that while I don't recommend working full-time, or maybe even truly part-time, I strongly recommend working. I think it might be important to your sanity.

The next thing that I was told was to take a vacation every summer. Many, many students recommended this. One student even said, "I have taken out loans just to travel in the summer. It is that important." I heard this advice, but I didn't really pay much attention. I am a complete type A. I save my money, I am rarely frivolous, and I would never take out a loan for fun - that is crazy talk!

Except, now, I am a believer in the vacation. The only thing that is keeping me propped up right now is the knowledge that I'm going to be vacating for a good while when this quarter ends. It isn't just that I need a break (which I do need), it is the idea that I need to leave. And not even just the state, I feel a need to leave the country. I think that this is caused by a combination of my all too human fight-or-flight response to stress urging me to run away, and the idea that if I go very far away, no one can find me and ask me to do something. So I am now also recommending the summer vacation in its truest sense: to temporarily vacate your life.

Loss as a Concept

be·reft/biˈreft/Adjective

1. Deprived of or lacking something 

2. (of a person) Lonely and abandoned, esp. through someone's death or departure.

There is no time off in this program to grieve. It isn't that people aren't sympathetic, there just isn't any room to add time for a student to gather themselves. Last post, I mentioned that I should be back on track as long as no other life-altering events occurred. Well, remind me next time to keep my mouth shut. Last week I lost one of my firmest supporters and one of the people whose influence helped me get to this program: my grandfather. He was a scientist. He loved and actively sought knowledge - even knowledge without direct purpose.

The only word that I could find to describe how I feel is bereft. I am not "enraged," I am not "despairing," but I also can't seem to grieve. Instead, I feel "deprived and lacking something."

Some other cohort members have expressed the sense that one specific goal of this program is the active attempt to "tear us down" so that they can build something better out of us. I haven't felt this way about the program. Instead, I have described it as a type of socialization. They (the powers that be) were having us experience what it really is to think for a living - to be an academic.

Right now, though, I feel that my life is tearing me down. And school is preventing me from addressing that. I'm balancing on a tightrope, someone just knocked one of my feet out from under me, and there is NO NET.

I quit my job, I live thousands of miles from my family, and one of the people who believed I could do this isn't here now. I am bereft of my confidence. I am bereft of my certainty. I am even bereft of my ability to have a really good freak out. I have never run home for help because I've never needed that. But what if I never needed help because I always knew that if I did need it, it was there? Does that make any sense?! And, I don't even have time to think this through, because I have to think about other things - it is week 8!

This week, also, as my life has been assaulted, I have come to some conclusions about the program. I was wrong. It isn't socialization, it is a type of destruction. I have spent a year investigating concepts and theories. I came in with a pretty good idea of my question - and now that I know more, that's gone. I have no research question. I have less of a belief in my own knowledge on my topic. I feel naked and uncertain.

What comes from bereavement? Nearing the end of the first year, having lost the support of a loved one, my certainty of purpose, and my belief in my research ideas, what is there to be learned from all of it? I want someone to tell me that I will gain knowledge from this. My grandfather believed in science as a way to attain knowledge. I believe that too. Implicit in that belief is that knowledge will lead to understanding. But today, I am not sure that the rigorous application of methodical investigation techniques will help me understand.

And I am bereft.

Weeks Five and Six

I haven't blogged in a while because the last two weeks have been pretty awful. I lost my steadfast companion, KitKit, on April 25th. Even though he was my silent partner, his presence was always comforting. It is hard to panic about things when the cat can barely be bothered to wake up. Nothing was an emergency to him, and whether I succeeded or failed was meaningless to him. I was used to him sitting on my printer or on my desk while I worked. He didn't care if what I was writing was going to set nursing science on its ear, he just wanted to sleep near me and in the sun from the window.  It is harder to work without him.

The last picture I took of KitKit. He really loved to sleep in clean laundry...

The last two weeks have also included two midterms, a seven page paper, and a conference. Thankfully, I just finished week 6. Only five weeks to go. I am usually about two weeks ahead in readings and assignments, but this quarter I am two weeks behind. I actually wrote a paper (the whole thing) the day it was due. That has never happened before, and barring any other life catastrophes, it will never happen again. It was an unpleasant experience to actually be racing the clock while I wrote. I am not looking forward to the feedback from the prof on that paper. I can't imagine it will be good.

Hopefully, the next five weeks will pass quickly and without incident. I want to get out of this quarter and start prepping for next year. The second year is a big deal and I need to be focused. I also need to start planning my research residencies. If everything works out, I'll get to do one at the end of this summer...

The cracks are starting to show...

Last week was an interesting week. I have been aware of my own stress, but I believed that I was handling it well. Until I wasn't. And it really wasn't just me. If a group's behavior could be seen as a type of morale-barometer, I'd say we were reading at an all-time low. I'm not really sure what all the contributing factors are for this, but I know that we don't have lunch breaks anymore on the days we're having classes, some of the required readings are less than clear, and it just is starting to seem like we've been sprinting a race that was really more of a marathon.

I think that we are all going to be pretty happy for a break at the end of this quarter. But that is a long way away. It is two difficult mid-terms, at least one presentation, another conference, and four final papers from now. Yikes.

So today, after I tried to get some things done this morning and only succeeding in messing up my desk and my equanimity, I've decided to just stop for one day. I'm going to eat dinner with some friends, and try to use this day to fortify my resolve so that I can start fresh on Monday.

Does anyone else remember Carmen Sandiego?

I made the picture giant to give you a better chance of guessing the city from the skyline, but I still think that it's too far away...

I am back from my conference! It was a lovely experience. There was a general call  for presenters next year, and I am already trying to figure out a way to be one of those presenters in 2012! I also met a woman who recently completely her PhD and was a presenter. It was encouraging to meet a nurse who has finished. Also, I really enjoyed being back in my favorite city in the whole world! (That paragraph got a little crazy with the exclamation points, right? Well, that is the way of conferences: they raise enthusiasm.)

I spent the last week catching up. Before this I hadn't realized just how much time I spend on the weekends, even when my husband is here, doing schoolwork and organizing for the week ahead.

If I had to make an educated guess, I would say that I spend an average of 60 hours a week on this program. Remember when I talked about a need to build endurance? Well that was one of the reasons. I work on schoolwork every weekday and, unless I make a conscience effort to stop, most weekends. As the quarter progresses, the amount of time spent working increases. Over the quarter, I'd say the average is about 60 hours. Considering that we are in class only two days a week, most of that time is self-directed, in an attempt to make progress on class goals and also to keep reading in my topic area.

I am already a little nervous about next year! I really need to get my research residencies set up. They have to be done before you can take qualifying exams. And I would  like to write my qualifying exams in the summer of 2012. That means that next school year, in addition to my classes, I need to be doing research residencies.... My university believes that the nursing PhD should take an average of four years. My own goal is to finish in five years. I want to walk away really prepared, having absorbed as much knowledge as I can. Based on that timeline, I should be, by the end of this quarter, 20% done.... But I don't feel like I'm that far along. Maybe it's an exponential thing....or a logarithmic thing...? Sort of like cat-years, or earthquake scales, or.....?

Anyway, before I scamper off to work on week four, I'll leave you with two more pictures:

Any guesses on where my conference was held?

Third Quarter Update

I wanted to post a quick update on the quarter. I'm leaving tomorrow for a conference, so this should be a very short post.

First, I can already tell that this quarter is going to be the most challenging yet. Statistics, my favorite class from last quarter, used steroids over the break and is now much larger, harder and faster - sort of like Barry Bonds... Between reading the chapters multiple times and my incredible stats teacher, I should be okay. But, it isn't the cakewalk that it was last quarter. On a positive statistics note, though, I think that the content will be much more useful for real-world human science research questions.

I haven't come to any hard conclusions about my measurement theory class. The first lecture seemed clear enough, and I was sort of confused by the TA's strong insistence that we would want to come to her special study groups. Then I read the five assigned chapters, and realized that I had no idea how complicated the theories behind measuring bio-psycho-social concepts are. My mistake! I'm hoping to re-read the five chapters prior to the exam (or maybe every week, I'll just read the whole text again in the hope that something clicks), because one read-through didn't give me much but a serious headache. Why didn't I change my major from nursing to a bench-science, again? Oh yeah, I like people. Well most people, I'm not feeling particularly warm and fuzzy towards the authors of the measurement theory text.

My other theory class is a trip. Both stats and measurement theory will be hard, but with thorough reading and lots of hard work, they are do-able. The adult nursing theory course is a course for the thinking nurse. Those are the ones that require me to stretch...

Finally, my advanced nursing seminar, "Violence and Health," is amazing. Right now, it is the whole reason that I'm in school. There are only two of us from my cohort, everyone else is much farther along in the program, so it is a little intimidating at times, but it is so interesting! I absolutely live for this class!

Tomorrow I leave for a conference in my favorite city (besides this one) in the whole world! (And while I haven't seen every city in the whole world, I do think that I've viewed a representative sample and can make that statement with a statistically calculable amount of confidence....hahaha!) Maybe I'll post a picture from the city and let you guys guess where it was, what do you think?

I'll close with a picture from a walk that my husband and I took a couple of weeks ago:

And you thought RN stood for Registered Nurse

Today was the first day of spring quarter. I almost opted to take a fifth class (an actual fifth class, not just a seminar), but after agonizing about it for days, I made the decision to not. I am still unsure if that was the best choice, but it had to be made. I could not imagine a fifth class for credit. So am I here to learn everything, just what I need to get out, the things that I want to know, or some ephemeral combination of all of those things?

When I started this program, I assumed that the curriculum would be a standard, pre-set path for PhD students. (Not true). I assumed that we would all learn the same things. (Again, no.) And that we would all learn them at the same time. (Nuh-uh.)

In the PhD program, there are recommended classes, but there are no required classes. Freaky, huh? Well, actually not as much as one might initially think. In some European programs, many PhD students don't even have recommended classes. Essentially in the European system, one pairs up with an expert in the topic area one is interested in and then takes classes only if they are needed. Here in the states, there is more structure, but a doctoral student uses their time to take the classes that will give them the information that they need most. But that isn't as easy it might sound. How do you know what you need? Is it what you'll still need as a researcher in 10 years? What if you're wrong, can you fix it later?

For example, in nursing, I could choose to research my topic area in either a qualitative or quantitative way. The method that I use should be determined by my specific question... but I don't have that question yet! (I'm not alone in this either). The problem is that studying both methods is crazy-talk. Some people do it, but maybe not all at once and it is NOT encouraged. So I have pretty much decided that I'm going the quantitative route. I've based this decision on the specialties of my mentors, the way that I generally think, my personal views and philosophies regarding science, and some of my own learning characteristics. I have not based it on my question. I am hoping that I haven't restricted what I may do in the future. I'm already secretly planning a qualitative post-doc. (Shhhh...don't tell anyone, I'm planning my next way to go back to school. I am Hee-Larious, right?!) Anyway, this essentially means that I chose to not take the next qualitative class so that I could take an advanced nursing seminar on a topic I am incredibly interested in and another theory class.

Anyone reading may have noticed that I italicized "another." One of the most startling things that I have found out about myself during this first year is that I love theory. (And now many nurses around the world just shuddered and they don't know why....) Theory, especially nursing theory, is the thing that I loathed most about undergraduate nursing. I HATED it. This has changed. I don't know if it is taught differently in my PhD program. I don't know if now that I'm studying to do research that I suddenly understand how important it is. I don't know if I'm just a more mature person. But I like it now, even though it makes my brain hurt and I'm not necessarily good at it. I love thinking about concepts, their connections, and how they might explain why something happens.

I think that I've made decisions on classes that will lead to me learning the skills that I need. I hope that I will work in a research intensive university where I am able to learn more skills if I need them later. I hope that I get a post-doc. I love research. I love theory. I also love qualitative research and I wanted to learn EVERYTHING while I was here. In giving up the qualitative class, I'm hopeful that I'll be a better researcher in my focused area. (Cross your fingers with me!!!)

I am now, officially, a giant nerd. But, as my good friend told me today, "RN doesn't stand for registered nurse, it stands for really nerdy."

I'll close with a picture from a walk that we took over the weekend. I love this city!

An aside

So, this week I caught something nasty. Of course I also caught it just in time to miss my scheduled trip to see my family. At least I'm not sick in the middle of four classes like I was last quarter.

For the last two days I've been resting, drinking fluids and watching my temperature fluctuate. Pretty boring stuff. What has been interesting, though, is how frustrated and guilty I've been feeling. I don't know if this is a personality flaw or some sort of perverse nursing socialization response, but the overwhelming sense that I should be doing something useful is almost killing me!


I rarely called in sick when I worked (way not cool to leave a unit understaffed, better to wear a mask and still show up), and last quarter when I was sick, I still went to class. (It's only a 10-week quarter, it isn't a good idea to miss any lectures). Now, I don't have anywhere to be, and while I certainly have useful things I could do, I don't really have the energy to do them. But I can't relax. Every minute that I sit here or while I'm trying to take a nap, my brain is rattling off the constructive, important, useful things I could be doing instead. It is amazing how hard it is to relax.

I'm actually having to work at resting. Weird...huh?

End of Second Quarter Summary

The first thing that I want to say is how hard it has been to watch the news for the past few days. The images and stories from Japan are heartbreaking. I am having a hard time turning the TV off, even while it makes me cry to watch it. I feel like if the Japanese people have to live this nightmare, the very least I can do is be a witness to it and mourn with them.

For the last few days as I studied for statistics and wrote final papers, the background noise in my apartment has been CNN. Yesterday, I was so relieved to go to the library and sit with my classmates. Having company helped.

However, last night, I started to feel pretty unwell. I don't know if the end of the quarter will always result in my getting sick, but so far that is the pattern. I took my final statistics test today with a mild fever and a sore throat. By the time I got home, the fever was climbing. I can not stress how important it was that I had already completed a final draft of my paper! Once again, I have found that having a first draft at least a week prior to the due date and just re-working it and strengthening it over the remaining time is a life-saver!

I am going to miss a trip to visit my family, though, because of this flu or cold. And I am pretty upset about it. I can't risk exposing all of the other travelers and my family to whatever this is, but I really, really wanted to take this trip. Instead, I'm going to bed early and taking the cat with me for comfort.

I wish that everyone in the whole world had the luxury of resting right now.

Really, really correlated

I know that I am finally reaching my limit of asceticism.

I know this because I've started re-reading the Kinsey Millhone series at night for comfort. Her character revels in living as a minimalist, alone in California. She takes pleasure in all the things that can make me feel lonely if I don't constantly scan for that feeling and nip it in the bud as soon as I notice it. For right now, that series is the most relaxing thing at the end of the day.

It shouldn't be surprising that my current state of bibliophilic decompensation is appearing in week 10 of the 10 week quarter. Today, I added to my grant draft and sent my most recent (incomplete) version to the professor. As the class is pass/fail, and mainly informative, she did not require a completed draft to pass. That is good, since I don't have a completed draft. 

Next, I worked on my final statistics problem set.  I should have known that I was nearing my limit when I got a correlation coefficient of 1.48 (which is impossible for that particular test) and considered writing the professor a note that said, "Hi. I realize that this result is impossible. And that realization is completely due to your excellent teaching. However, I've attempted to find my math error for over an hour and simply can not locate it. How about we just say it's really, really correlated and call it a day?" While I think that the prof, who has a remarkable sense of humor considering his subject, would laugh, he wouldn't give me points for creativity.

I ended the day by completing the first draft of the final paper for my remaining class. This would be a cause for celebration, but I know that it needs work. And I only have a few more days to polish it. Polished papers are really the goal, since they count for so much of the grades in the program.(And of course are focused on our specific topics and therefore teach us as we write them.) This one is worth 50% of my course grade. 

Overall, this quarter is drawing to a close. And while there wasn't any one thing that I can say I disliked about this quarter, it also wasn't as enjoyable as the first. 

Yay! for getting through it.

Uphill Both Ways

I wanted to write something eloquent tonight. But instead, I'm going to recycle the tweet I posted for my sister:

My backpack weighed in at 25 pounds.
I carried it uphill both ways.
I only finished half of what I started.
I forgot to buy coffee.
Tired.

24 pounds after I dropped off two library books and drank all my water.

 It is week 9 of the 10 week quarter. Can you tell?

Onward and Upward

For clarification, this quarter has been a very different experience than last quarter. Out of my three classes, only statistics hasn't been a painful struggle. (And while I would like to take some credit for this, it really is a result of  the strength of the instruction of my statistics professor). I am lucky that I am close with my classmates, but the reality of this program is that it isn't a group effort. Which leads me to the first hard-learned lesson of this quarter:

1. You have to own your area of research.

The point of this program isn't to be the best generalist. The point isn't to be a mini medical doctor. The point isn't to become the best future educator. The point is to be an expert in one area of nursing knowledge. I fully understand why the average time to complete a PhD in the U.S. is six years. By the end of last quarter I noticed, and my classmates confirmed it in themselves, a growing aversion to our topics. We wanted to talk or read about ANYTHING other than our topics of research. Anything. Just one quarter of looking closely at my topic clarified for me one very important lesson: how little I knew about it. And that is a perfect lead in to the second lesson of this quarter.

2. I now know *just enough* to know how much I don't know.

I feel like my cohort and I started this journey like a group of settlers moving west. (Does anyone remember playing Oregon Trail...?) We packed what we thought we might need. For example, I brought my clinical experience, certainly not the twenty or thirty years of nursing experience that some of my classmates bring with them, but it encompasses a full third of my life. Some of my classmates brought their previous research experience. We gathered everything we knew or had learned and we headed out. Our goal, for this metaphor, was the peak of a mountain. Pretty quickly we noted that we were going uphill. And we congratulated ourselves. "Look we're climbing!" About half way through this second quarter, we reached a plateau. While we knew we weren't at the top, we were pretty excited. Until we stopped to look ahead.

We had reached the top of a gently rolling hill. What we could see clearly was just how much farther there was to travel before we even reached the base of the mountain. We all stupidly turned to each other and said, "this might be harder than we thought."

This was the quarter where one brave classmate of mine raised her hand, and asked for some clarification on the percentage of people who actually finish. The professor gracefully sidestepped the question. I went home that night and tried to bring myself to Google the answer. I never did. I don't want to know. Which is a pretty good lead in to my next lesson.

3. This could be an isolating process.

I have only ever witnessed one other nurse achieve a PhD. Obviously, I've known other nurses after they finished their doctorates. But I've only known one person through their doctorate. And, while it isn't something that I'm completely comfortable writing, I've only ever known one PhD prepared nurse of Mexican descent, and I met her here. In fact, before I came to my program, I had only ever met four people of color with doctorates. Ever.  My cohort is 18 people. I am the only person of Mexican descent. There is only one other PhD nursing student, in all the cohorts, that I've met who is Latina.

I shouldn't be shocked by this. I was a McNair Scholar. The McNair Scholars Program is specifically designed to encourage high-achieving undergraduate minority students to pursue graduate education. I never thought this would affect me. In my defense, I went to high school, college, and graduate school in Chicago! I never felt like a minority there! I also really didn't think it applied to nursing. For the love of Pete, we were like the United Nations in my undergraduate program. Multi-culturalism was perhaps less well represented in my master's program, but I never really noticed; I had no doubt that I could finish. Here, I'm looking around for reassurance that this is a doable endeavor, and I don't see very many people who look like me. It's a little bit freaky.

So there you have it. Second quarter is a little less smooth. Week 8 is bringing a resurgence of my angst.

Post-its, packages, and passes

Last week was the heaviest week of the quarter. I had a statistics mid-term, an event that I had planned for my student organization and the first part of my grant draft due. Yikes. But, it passed. The statistics mid-term didn't seem that bad (I hope I'm not getting cocky, we'll get our grades on Tuesday), the event was a grand success, and while nobody stood up and yelled, "Your grant proposal is amazing!" they also didn't tell me to get lost. So, overall, I'll take it.

I had some big plans for the weekend of getting ahead and drafting final papers and starting a knitted baby sweater for my goddaughter and cleaning the bathroom. So far, I've managed to practice my guitar, show up at my volunteer job, buy post-its, find a padded envelope for mailing and make lasagna. Close enough, right? I do want to clean and organize my desk this weekend. It is approaching absolute chaos and if its current rate of mess-accumulation continues, I won't be able to find the keyboard soon. I do not work well in disorder, so something has to be done before finals.

The weather here has been amazing. It is funny. When I lived in the desert every single day was pristine. But I hated the place so much that I never appreciated the weather. I also disliked the same-ness of it. I would want to cry because it was another sunny day. (I know?! Whining about perfect weather!) But it was like the movie Groundhog Day. I couldn't tell what time of year it was or if time was even passing. It was surreal and everything felt like an over-exposed photo, even the people seemed bleached clean of personality. Here, I enjoy the sun again; partly, because it rains! Tomorrow is supposed to be another beautiful day and then we're expecting rain all next week. I'm excited for both a sunny day tomorrow and rain for next week... maybe I just like it here better.

Wine country versus whine country

My husband and I drove to the wine country this weekend for a little relaxation. It was very, very nice to get away for a day!

Next week I have the statistics mid-term and I need to have my completed reference list for my critical literature review class. Additionally, I need to have a solid draft of my specific aims for my grant-writing class. It sounds like a lot, huh? But, I am well-prepared and I should be able to turn all of this in without any problem. Yay, organization!

I promised a picture this post, so here it is:

Wine Country!

Week Five

For the first time this quarter, I finally feel like I am in control of my workload! The project that I've been working on and that has been hanging over my head for the last two quarters is ready to be submitted. It isn't done, but it's done for now.

Also, I have an actual question that I might be able to work with and it is certainly a starting point for the dissertation question. The question is still in its infancy, but its existence makes me believe that I can do this. It also gives me something to work with for my grant writing class, which I've been struggling with the whole quarter.

While I'm very glad to be at this better place, I'm also pretty startled to look up and realize that I am half way through this second quarter. It is moving entirely too fast. I can already envision the coming scramble in the final weeks.

As a reward, I am planning to spend tonight not worrying about anything school related. This whole quarter, even when I have been doing other things, I have felt a constant thrum of worry about my classes, the project and the future. Tonight, because I am feeling so accomplished, I am not going to feel that worry at all.

I wish that I had a picture to post, but I haven't taken any in a long while. Maybe next time...

Reality Check

I've had another frustrating week - and it is just Wednesday. I'm really at a personal impasse about which direction to take both in classes and for a larger dissertation path. As I'm also a huge worrywart by nature, I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable. After a discussion with my advisor today, I realized that what I'm struggling with is finding a balance between what I would choose in a perfect world, and what is accomplish-able.

I think that this is probably a good moment to review why I decided to pursue this degree. And since I'm needing to see those reasons clearly stated, I am going to write them as a list.

1. I find women's healthcare to be the most interesting area of healthcare.
2. I trust women to tell me what they need.
3. I have questions about how to best provide care to women.
4. I know that these questions are answerable through science.
5. I want to participate in answering those questions and educating the next generation of nurses.

Okay. There's the basic list.
It is a reassuring list. I am doing this for more than one good reason. What I need to embrace now is that this is a process, a multi-year process. I have time to think about how to accomplish this degree and to learn more about the best way to direct myself to accomplish my longer-term goals. I do not need to have the perfect answer to anything (research question, dissertation question, methods, etc.) yet.

I am just working through the process.

I'm going for a run now. I need to burn off some of these stress hormones...

Questions about THE question

I thought I'd post on THE question today. It is a topic that has been brought up by a reader and a topic that is particularly important to me right now.

The hard truth about doctoral studies is that at some point you have to do something that enables you to write your dissertation. That something, that you do, has to contribute new information to your scientific community.

This may not seem like such a daunting thing to some of my readers. In fact, I wasn't that concerned about it when I applied. As an undergraduate I participated in a pilot study, doing quite a bit of the research myself (though guided closely by my mentor). In my master's program, I performed a secondary data analysis and I should probably have tried to publish the results as they would have contributed new information. Some people do a secondary data analysis for their dissertation. However, (and yes you can read a giant, capitalized BUT there) from what I've determined so far, it is different at the doctoral level.

It is different because we aren't doing this as part of a master's project, or for a paper. We won't be allowed to just take some data and run some tests on it. Even if the machinations look similar, the underlying foundation has changed. First, a research doctoral student should be asking a specific question that was determined to be important by studying a general topic to the point of absurdity. And, the way that one asks that question, analyzes the data that result from the question, and presents and disseminates the data are all designed by the student. That's why two years of study are required before the PhD-powers-that-be (also known as your committee) let you make the final, absolute, resolute, certain choice of THE question: Your research question. (Some people do it faster, some people do it slower - two years seems to be the average amount of time it takes to be really prepped to ask a good question with a solid foundation....)

If I've learned anything so far, it's that the final product of the published paper is fairly removed from the actual work of the research. The published paper is a pretty representation of the question, which motivated the design, which directed a researcher's attempts to gain entree into their research location, which probably preceded begging for grants, funds, MONEY! to perform the study from a bunch of people using forms that are just short of incomprehensible. And all of that came after reading as much of the literature on the general topic, then on the framework of the type of research, then on the theoretical basis for both, then back again to the literature for the specifics. And it is a long process from the start of that to the end of the dissertation.

However, (there's that giant BUT again) the profs really like us to think about it along the way. So for classes, they say things like, "Pick a question. It doesn't have to be your dissertation question, but pick a question, and show me how you would..." do a critical literature review, contact an expert, perform a concept diagram on the topic, ask the question in a qualitative way, ask the question as a quantitative question.... etc. etc. etc. They want us to practice the thinking of it. Every time we do, we see the problems in our thinking or design and we get closer to THE actual question. Oh, and to add to the joy - the student does this in the full view of her peers.

Regardless of the angst (I use the word with all its associated connotations. It feels just like teenage fretting at times), in the end it works. People get through. Their classes help them hone their skills, their peers help them see the flaws in their thinking, the profs help you negotiate the process and nurses actually get doctorates.

I hope.


So, here are the important points of my above discussion:
1. Very few people (though, some do) know their dissertation question when they walk in the door.
2. Part of the fun of classes with the other people in your cohort is that you get to hear everyone's topics, areas of interest, and questions. You also get to hear them evolve.
3. At some point, someone is going to want to know EXACTLY what you want to ask, research, etc. to get out of school. For once and for all. (These are nurses after all. We're a practical bunch. You start talking about the 7-year program and some kindly prof is going to grab you by your scruff and give you a little shake.)
4. Just remember, once the dissertation is complete, the research isn't supposed to end.... But your "program of research" is a whole 'nother topic.

Week Two Update

As I head into week three of the quarter, I wanted to post something a little more upbeat than my previous two posts from this quarter. I think that I've worked through some of my winter quarter angst, and I thought that I would share the process with all the potential students. The two reasons that I've been able to work through my worry are my classmates and this weekend, which was restful.

This quarter, my two primary classes are the first of the statistics series that I will take during the program and a class that is called "Health and Human Systems." I know. It isn't a very elucidating name. Basically, it is a class to teach us, as researchers, how to find, what we call "the gaps" in the literature. (The gaps are the things that we don't know or haven't answered yet. They are the places that need more knowledge.One finds these by reading the literature and looking for the gaps, hence their nickname.) Or that is my interpretation of the class. So far, all we've done is try to perform a literature search on our topics. Which was when I hit my first bump in the road.

We all have our areas of interest. Mine is quite clear in my head. But outside of my head, it is actually a large, historied, and occasionally, contentious area of medical research. I need to narrow my focus. The instructors believe that to do this we should pick a research question. I agree, in theory, but I'm not ready to do that...yet. I would love to have a specific research question. That would make things a LOT easier. However, I haven't yet identified the gaps in the literature, so how do I know what to ask? And so begins a frighteningly circular argument which prevents me from sleeping at night.

So, as I tried to perform this literature search, I realized that my topic was huge. I have read a lot on my very large topic, so in my head it made a lot of sense, but on paper, it looked like a hot mess. So I tried to narrow it. I thought that I had done a good job of this... the professors did not. The thing about the doctoral program is that, as a learning exercise, the profs want you to get yourself out of your own messes. No one is going to hold your hand. (I don't think that they would really let us go too far down, but they might let us stumble along for a while to teach us to pay better attention...) So after letting me know that they were not completely satisfied with my work, they then sent me on my way. And that way led to sleepless nights and extreme worry.

The reason that I am not having a complete nervous breakdown is that I found out I was not completely alone. Apparently, almost all of us walked out of that class with similar comments. Oh! The relief! Maybe I am not completely hopeless! Once again, it is good to have classmates. I still had to spend the week working through my issue and really determining what area within my ginormous topic I was going to focus on for this class, but at least, I am not alone!

And then, this weekend, I actually took a small break. My husband is here and we went to see one of my classmates perform in the community symphony. It was wonderful and relaxing and uplifting and shut off my worry for a good two hours. Afterward we all went for German food and a nice city walk. This mini-crisis has reminded me how very important good friends are during this process. It could be very solitary work - not one of us is interested in the exact same topic - but we are not lonely because we are all taking the same initial classes. Plodding though our steps may be, we are at least making progress all together.

I feel much more ready to start week three than I did week two, and that is a small victory.

Overload

I may have over-committed myself. The workload didn't seem like it was going to be that heavy this quarter, but I might have underestimated it. While it doesn't have as much reading as last quarter, it does require a lot more output from me with bi-weekly statistics problems and weekly short-papers due in my two primary classes. That would be fine, absolutely manageable, if not for all the other stuff.

1. The registered campus organization that I'm helping with (read organizing, developing and directing without much help...)
2. The project. I am beginning to have nightmares in which it never gets done. Ever.
3. The other class that I signed up for, but haven't started, on grant-writing. This class has the potential to be really helpful and also really stressful as it requires a lot of focus on moving towards establishing an actual research question.
4. My new commitment to health and school/life balance. It really feels like it would be easier to just pick one. Not try to do something crazy like both.
5. Volunteering at the clinic. 
6. Working on getting another paper(s) ready to submit for publication.

So when I look at this list, it doesn't really seem that bad. But, for some reason it feels like I'm overloaded.

I think that I'm actually going to post this and then never look at it again. I need to just keep moving forward, instead of trying to count and consider every obligation that I have. One requirement at a time. This might be one of those quarters where not being able to see the forest for the trees could be a stress-buffer. I'm not going to even look for the forest, I'm just going to look at each tree. By itself. Without thinking about the other trees.

Chicago Nostalgia

It isn't always schoolwork that makes this process difficult. I'm starting to realize that good grades, active classwork, and strong effort aren't going to be nearly enough to make the PhD a worthwhile achievement. What's going to get me hired to teach and research when I graduate might be more dependent on what I did outside of the classes: publications, research grants, and presentations at national conferences, than any grade I receive. Scary stuff. A large percentage of my cohort has been published already. I expect that almost all of us will have submitted something for publication by the end of the first year. I have a classmate whose publication goal is one per quarter, at least four per year.

This pressure weighs heavily on me. This morning I woke up at 6:30 with thoughts for the project that I've been working on, and I needed to put them down on paper RIGHT THEN. I think that I had only fallen asleep two or three hours before because of my tossing and turning while I worried about this project. I've been writing almost continuously since I woke up. I want this project to be something great and that sense of pressure keeps me up a lot of nights.

My cohort has a term for the profs that are great. (Great in this context means that they have changed the world with their research and that they teach, write and raise their families with aplomb.) We call them "rockstars." The term, when used by my cohort, is imbued with respect, awe, a little fear and a deep longing to one day be among that group. One of our TAs yesterday summed up rockstars in nursing by saying, "You might ask a question that we don't know the answer to. Unlike Dr.___, we're only human." I'm working on this project with one of these superhuman nurses, a  real rockstar of nursing research, and I want to produce something that is worthy of that honor.

When I look back on the first quarter of the doctoral program and this project, there will be a soundtrack playing in my head. This soundtrack is compiled of 15 songs that I've been playing on repeat since I started the program. On iTunes I've labeled this group of songs "Chicago Nostalgia." The music in this grouping reminds me a lot of the music that my friends and I danced to in high school, hence its name. It is loud, throbbing and entirely offensive to people who aren't as actively stressed as I am.

I was playing it on my computer speakers, but my husband started calling it the "Oh God, turn it off" music, the cat was hiding under the bed, and the neighbors were banging on the floor (our ceiling) to express their displeasure. Now, I only listen to it on my iPod. But, really, I would never have guessed that taking a work break to crazy-dance to  Kinky's "Mas" wasn't relaxing to everybody if I hadn't seen the evidence for myself....