Onward and Upward

For clarification, this quarter has been a very different experience than last quarter. Out of my three classes, only statistics hasn't been a painful struggle. (And while I would like to take some credit for this, it really is a result of  the strength of the instruction of my statistics professor). I am lucky that I am close with my classmates, but the reality of this program is that it isn't a group effort. Which leads me to the first hard-learned lesson of this quarter:

1. You have to own your area of research.

The point of this program isn't to be the best generalist. The point isn't to be a mini medical doctor. The point isn't to become the best future educator. The point is to be an expert in one area of nursing knowledge. I fully understand why the average time to complete a PhD in the U.S. is six years. By the end of last quarter I noticed, and my classmates confirmed it in themselves, a growing aversion to our topics. We wanted to talk or read about ANYTHING other than our topics of research. Anything. Just one quarter of looking closely at my topic clarified for me one very important lesson: how little I knew about it. And that is a perfect lead in to the second lesson of this quarter.

2. I now know *just enough* to know how much I don't know.

I feel like my cohort and I started this journey like a group of settlers moving west. (Does anyone remember playing Oregon Trail...?) We packed what we thought we might need. For example, I brought my clinical experience, certainly not the twenty or thirty years of nursing experience that some of my classmates bring with them, but it encompasses a full third of my life. Some of my classmates brought their previous research experience. We gathered everything we knew or had learned and we headed out. Our goal, for this metaphor, was the peak of a mountain. Pretty quickly we noted that we were going uphill. And we congratulated ourselves. "Look we're climbing!" About half way through this second quarter, we reached a plateau. While we knew we weren't at the top, we were pretty excited. Until we stopped to look ahead.

We had reached the top of a gently rolling hill. What we could see clearly was just how much farther there was to travel before we even reached the base of the mountain. We all stupidly turned to each other and said, "this might be harder than we thought."

This was the quarter where one brave classmate of mine raised her hand, and asked for some clarification on the percentage of people who actually finish. The professor gracefully sidestepped the question. I went home that night and tried to bring myself to Google the answer. I never did. I don't want to know. Which is a pretty good lead in to my next lesson.

3. This could be an isolating process.

I have only ever witnessed one other nurse achieve a PhD. Obviously, I've known other nurses after they finished their doctorates. But I've only known one person through their doctorate. And, while it isn't something that I'm completely comfortable writing, I've only ever known one PhD prepared nurse of Mexican descent, and I met her here. In fact, before I came to my program, I had only ever met four people of color with doctorates. Ever.  My cohort is 18 people. I am the only person of Mexican descent. There is only one other PhD nursing student, in all the cohorts, that I've met who is Latina.

I shouldn't be shocked by this. I was a McNair Scholar. The McNair Scholars Program is specifically designed to encourage high-achieving undergraduate minority students to pursue graduate education. I never thought this would affect me. In my defense, I went to high school, college, and graduate school in Chicago! I never felt like a minority there! I also really didn't think it applied to nursing. For the love of Pete, we were like the United Nations in my undergraduate program. Multi-culturalism was perhaps less well represented in my master's program, but I never really noticed; I had no doubt that I could finish. Here, I'm looking around for reassurance that this is a doable endeavor, and I don't see very many people who look like me. It's a little bit freaky.

So there you have it. Second quarter is a little less smooth. Week 8 is bringing a resurgence of my angst.