Isn't the end always a beginning?

Hello Readers!

I am back. I think that I needed a little break for the last quarter or so. I was feeling a bit over-burdened with everything. But, as this quarter winds down I've been feeling a need to update you all and spend some time writing about where I am in the process.

I'm completing my second year of the PhD program at the end of this quarter. The American PhD system is (at least at my school) structured differently than it is in other countries. At my university, we spend the first two years taking courses (from what I understand, and please correct me if I'm wrong, most schools overseas don't have as much, if any, structured coursework). While none of the course are required, the majority of them are recommended. Upon completion of these courses, the student starts to write their qualifying exam papers. Once these are complete and have been reviewed by the student's qualifying exam committee, the student takes the exam (which is an oral exam administered by the committee). A student is allowed two attempts to pass the exam, and if she passes, she is now a PhD candidate. This is called "advancing to candidacy."

The qualifying exam papers are on three topics: a literature review, theory, and measurement (at least for quantitative researchers). The theory and measurement papers should (but, they don't have to!) establish the theoretical grounding and means of measurement for one's dissertation research. They are also the first chapters of one's dissertation.

The committee (once again, this might be university specific) is made up of four (or more) experts in various topics, aspects, statistical methods, etc., that relate to one's dissertation research. I am very happy to say that I have chosen my committee members and they have all agreed to be on my committee! Now, there is a bunch of paperwork to start on to get that all formalized and then I start writing. This summer will be dedicated to writing my papers. I hope to defend (take the exam) in mid-fall. I'm both VERY excited and VERY nervous. I am also very lucky as two of my classmates are on the same timeline as I am, so we can support each other.

So, now that I've outlined what's coming in the program, let me rewind and talk a bit about the focus of my last two quarters: funding. I applied for seven different funding opportunities over the last two quarters. My current funding ends at the end of this quarter, and I haven't had a job (a restriction of my current fellowship) in almost two years. The seven funding opportunities included fellowships, federal research grants, and university scholarships. I have heard back from two: one I have been awarded (it will specifically help with tuition, which takes a huge weight off my shoulders) and one I was denied (it's okay - I'll apply again next year). I'm still waiting to hear the results for the other five.

I've also started looking for work. The next few years of the process will be less structured by classes, which will leave more time for work. BUT! People get this far in a PhD and then stop, or get distracted, and never go back. There is actually a well-known term for it, "ABD" or " all but the dissertation." This is probably partly related to the sudden loss of structure. So, my goal is to not be working full-time, but only enough to stay afloat. I will need lots of time to continue to make progress on my own work.

That's where I am now. I'm going to try to update a bit more frequently, especially as I make progress in the qualifying process.

Have a great day!

Happy National Nurses Week!!

I have avoided posting  a new entry to this blog because I have not been in a very happy PhD student place. But, first, let me back up a bit so that this makes sense.

About a year ago, a professor I respect deeply asked me if I was feeling like I'd made the worst mistake of my life in pursuing a PhD. I was surprised. A year ago, I was feeling pretty good. I couldn't understand why she would ask such a question. And then the winter quarter of second year started and it became painfully clear that the only problem with her question had been that she was asking it a year too early.

Perhaps it was the sociology theory course. Or maybe it is the very idea of qualifying exams. Or maybe it was the realization that I had not worked for pay as a nurse in 18 months, and that my new actual title ( in my thirties!!!) was "student." I was supposed to be an "expert" (Who me? Why are you looking at me?!), and I hadn't had a full patient load in a year and a half.

It could have been any one of those things, but whatever it was, it resulted in an existential crisis that can only be described using a recent, pop-culture word: EPIC.

The PhD program is one that forces this painful reflective process, which I am defining as a crisis. First, the PhD program take away belief, (which I was okay with, not having "believed" anything in years). Then it takes away "truth," (which I was maybe a little less than thrilled to let go of, but, hey, I'm the flexible sort). Then it takes away "science," (which FREAKED ME OUT) and what they give you in return is postmodernism or post-structuralism, if you prefer, and if you're really feeling progressive, a little post-post-modernism on the side. Finally, they tell you to make a unique contribution to nursing science (whatever that means!) without belief, truth, or the belief in science as truth.

It's a bit of a shock, really.

And, to add insult to injury, splash the wound with lemon, salt the land that has already been burned (I'm running out of metaphors...), they also ask you to find your own funding. Welcome to academia! Or, if you prefer:  this is a game of probability (not chance, there are far too many identified independent variables for that!) and you're betting on yourself. I think that what I didn't realize is that this is a bet that requires you go "all in."

So. How're ya' feeling'? Umm...yeah.

Here I am. The second year is almost done and I'm ready to start writing my qualifying exams. If I can just convince four experts that I know what I'm talking about.... The strange thing is that on the other side of this brief but devastating period of time, I feel ready to write about my phenomenon of interest. I feel ready... I'm just not quite sure *how* I'm supposed to do any of this.

Florence Nightingale once said, "I think one's feelings waste themselves in words; they ought all to be distilled into actions which bring results." 

It's time to distill my feelings into actions and it is time to bring some results. It's time to write qualifying exams.

Wish me luck.