Holiday Break Update!

Happy Winter Solstice!

We put up our tree over the last weekend. Every year I think that I'm going to decorate the tree with white lights. White lights are the way my mom and I always did our tree. But my husband's family only does colored lights. I am the victor in so many "discussions" in our marriage. There are some, though, that I lose every time....so here's our tree. I think that it looks awesome. I also think that it might make a good qualitative study to investigate how and why certain decisions get negotiated the way they do in marriages!

KitKit sitting in my desk chair. Since it would be cruel to move him, I read my novel on the couch instead of working.

I have a very large project that I am working on during the break. I try to work on it for a few hours every day in the morning. In the afternoon and evening, I act like I'm really on winter break. I'm making progress on my project, but I'm not where I wanted to be by now. As I've been thinking about the last quarter, and the things that increased my stress, I realized that this project looming over me really was a huge weight. Because it's still hanging around, I haven't felt as relaxed as I was hoping that I would during this break.

Throughout my life, I've heard some of the disparaging remarks about people who move from practice to academia. You know the ones I'm talking about. "Those who can do, do, those who can't teach." I've known enough nursing professors, and read enough nursing research to know that those sayings are all bunk. But, I didn't really believe that it would be harder to work in academia than to be a bedside or clinic nurse. It is harder. Much harder. This involves being auto-didactic, self-motivating and self-directing, able to remember that it is important to stop and go outside once in a while, able to take routine rejection, and also able to recognize when an idea just isn't ready for public presentation. It involves being competitive without alienating your colleagues. And it involves writing. So much writing. It is really, really hard to convey what I want through scholarly writing. All the profs say we'll get better, but right now all I've become is more critical of my own writing.

KitKit demonstrating his plans for the holiday break.

But, it is still winter break. So, while I'm still going to work, I'm not going to go nuts and waste an entire four weeks worrying myself into a state. Instead, I'm going to balance the work with resting and relaxing. Since next quarter we start statistics, I'm probably going to need it!

"Dot it, file it, and stick it in a box marked done, okay?"

I submitted my last paper minutes ago. The quarter is done! Like all women, though, my work isn't done. I still have lots and lots to do on my other project, but I definitely feel lighter.

I thought that it might be time to do a quick summary of the quarter, both the things that went well and the things that I need to improve on next quarter.

Positives/Things I Learned:
1. From my nursing theory class I have learned that theories are both a good foundation for nursing research and also a good outcome of research.
2.I'm still no fan of most nursing theories, BUT, the Theory of Emancipated Decision-Making is a nursing theory that may be potentially useful to me.
3. I love qualitative research. I love it the same way I love literature and music and wine. It is a desperate kind of unrequited love.
4. I have a better grasp of the methods that are used to do good quantitative research. My grasp isn't *great* yet, but I can at least read a quantitative article and ask appropriate questions.
5. I know what scientific philosophy guides my view of science. I am a scientific realist! Isn't that cool? Oh, I need to add a caveat: I am a scientific realist UNLESS we're talking about reproductive health. Them I'm a radical feminist postmodernist....
6. All healthcare can be looked at from a policy perspective.
7. Write papers early! I did this and it gave me time to both reflect on the papers and make multiple drafts.

Negatives:
1. I still don't know what my specific research question is going to be. I only know my area of interest.
2. My newly found love of qualitative research has only muddied the waters.
3. I have to figure out how to coordinate school and some semblance of non-school stuff. Like eating regularly. Or sleeping. Or going for a jog. (Drinking wine while reading research studies does NOT count.)
4. Endnote is a crappy piece of software. But I bought it, so now I have to use it. Blah.
5. I won't have my final grades until immediately prior to the start of the next quarter. I need the feedback to be certain that my good habits worked....
6. I think that I'm going to have to buy a filing cabinet to store all the articles I seem to be collecting.

Finally, a chance to rest.

PS - Extra points to anyone who can name where the quote came from without googling it!

Blathering

Currently Reading: Zeitoun  by Dave Eggers (the one book, one city selection)

Two big events are about to occur today: I'm turning in 1 of my final papers!!!!! And, I'm meeting my adviser to discuss my classes next quarter. (This one doesn't get an exclamation point....)

One of the first things that the more advanced students will tell a new student is that the relationship one has with one's adviser is a very personal one. They will also tell a new student that the relationship will be unique. What they don't tell  a new student is that it won't always be....fulfilling....

Some of my classmates came to this program to specifically work with the person who is their adviser. I came because this university has lots of people, from many disciplines working on my area of interest. And I came because I was particularly interested in working with a particular researcher at a university affiliated research center. I am working with her, but she is not currently on faculty at the nursing school. She makes me cookies when I visit her home to discuss our project. She knows my previous mentor, who I will love forever. She is wonderful.

So. Since she can't advise me about school stuff, I have an adviser in the school of nursing and she has me.

One of my other classmates told me how her adviser always hugs her. (I'm not a hugger, so it's okay that mine doesn't). Another one of my friends told me how supportive her adviser is. (This will be the second time that I've met mine.) Which leads me to today's goal. Build a relationship with my adviser! This is the person who, if I finish the program, will hood me at the ceremony. This is a person who will sit on both my candidacy exam committee and my dissertation committee. This is a person who I need to have a good relationship with, and today I am starting on that road!

I hope that she's ready for my enthusiasm.

Classes are done and yet the quarter drags on

I have completed draft 2 of one of my papers. Perhaps it would sound better if I called them iterations? Blah. It doesn't matter what they're called, they need to be worked on for longer than my current attention span can manage.

I'm now at that stage where the excessive amount of schoolwork that I have to do has become paralyzing. I have lists of what needs to be done, and instead I've cleaned the house and perfected a Christmas Carol on the guitar. (The irony of that will not be lost on my close friends.)

Both to fulfill my need to find tasks that prevent me from editing papers and to work through some issues from my undergraduate years, I've joined a campus organization! Yay! However, in my spasm of school spirit I seem to have also elected myself as a new leader of some sort within this group. That will teach me to be enthusiastic. It will also teach me to join campus organizations at the start of the quarter and not at the end when I have other crap to do.

Please send me your motivation. I just need to borrow it for a couple of days. Thanks.

The Simpsons - Comments about PhDs and Grad Students. [HQ]

Deadlines

Finals and my much-needed winter break are fast approaching. I am proud to say that today I finished all of the drafts for my final papers.

I even fanned them out in a cheesy display for you.

I wouldn't turn them in yet, but at least they are now actual words on paper and not just random thoughts circling in my brain. All of my papers are due by the end of next week, so wish me luck.

Some people in the family seem fairly unconcerned about the impending deadlines....

Holiday Reading!

One of the things that is motivating me to write my final papers is that after I finish, I get to have a break! And what a break really means is reading for fun again. I have actually enjoyed most of the readings for my classes, and I have read non-assigned stuff during school as well (because I'd go nutso if I didn't) but a whole month to read whatever I want sounds wonderful right now.

But I found something very strange when I started making my winter holiday reading list - half of the books on the list came directly from school lectures or discussions! So here's the list; it isn't complete and may change....

1. The Pedagogy of the Oppressed by Paulo Freire
2. Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass by Frederick Douglass
3. Cloudsplitter by Russel Banks
4.The Structure of Scientific Revolutions by Kuhn
5. I and Thou by Martin Buber
6. The Birth of the Clinic: An Archaeology of Medical Perception by Foucault
7. Being and Nothingness by Sarte
8.  The Ethics of Ambiguity by Simone de Beauvoir
9. The Theory of Justice by John Rawls
10. Notes on Nursing by Flo
11. Winter's Bone by Daniel Woodrell


I was keeping notes on books that came up in class on post-its and shoving the post-its in one pocket of my backpack. Now that I've put them all together, I see two things. First, that the list is longer than I thought, and I'm not going to get through them by the end of winter break. And secondly, this list is heavily influenced by one of my philosophy professors, who also happened to be my favorite prof. of the quarter.

Immediately after my last class, I'm going straight to the library and starting with whichever book is available. Yay! School breaks are the best!

Holiday Happiness

I am a huuuuugggee holiday fan, so I would like to wish everyone (who is reading this blog, and from the states) a Happy Thanksgiving!!

If I weren't in school, I'd be putting up my Solstice tree this weekend too. But, I want to wait until I've turned in my final papers. I think that I'll be able to enjoy it more then. 

Happy start of the holiday season!

Entropy

Entropy is defined by the Free Online Dictionary (accessed 11/22/10) as "a measure of the disorder or randomness in a closed system."

Or, for a visual representation: My desk.

What was the road to hell paved with again?

Choosing to be a nurse puts one in good, but lonely, company. There a lot of us, but people seem to in the dark about what it means to be a nurse. I have seen polls that indicate that nurses are some of the most trusted people in western society. In one poll, we were rated more trustworthy than clergy (though that may not be saying much lately). But at the same time, being a nurse doesn't garner the same type of respect that I believe it should. People trust us, but I'm not sure they really believe that we're that bright. (Did anyone else see the "naughty nurse" Halloween costumes this year? Yuck.) I'm not someone who wants to place nursing on a pedestal either. We aren't angels; we aren't there to be pretty and "brighten up" a patient's room; we aren't anyone's handmaiden anymore. That certainly hasn't been our role for years.

Being a nurse-scientist is in some ways even worse. It just seems to just confuse the hell out of people. In our philosophy class this quarter, we have asked some hard questions about nursing. We have asked if it is a profession, if it is a real science, if we are scientists and what all of that means. These are questions that seem to put some of my wonderful classmates on the defensive. I feel that these are questions that we, as nurses, must be willing to ask and consider. They are important.

My readers (if I actually have any!) may be wondering what brought this contemplation on tonight. As I was sitting tonight with another student in my cohort, I realized that even though she and I are very different people, we had immediate common ground. We are nurses. But I couldn't actually define why that binds us. We work in different specialties, we are different ages, and we want to do very different research. So what does it mean to be a nurse and why does it bind us? Does it mean that we're more touchy-feely? Does it mean that all of our research must be qualitative, that we only want to talk about feelings? Does it mean that we're less competitive among ourselves and more able to be real friends?

Within the last two weeks I have had three troubling experiences. During my brief visit home, my father asked me what I was "majoring in." I was stunned by the question. My father has a master's degree. And he is aware that I have a BSN and my MS. How does my father not understand what a nursing PhD is? Also, a close family friend, asked me how medical school was going. I was also taken aback by this as I've talked with him about the PhD prior to applying! Both times I tried to quickly do some education and well, explanation, but I'm not sure that either my friend or my father understood.

Perhaps the most upsetting incident occurred at my fellowship meeting. At the meeting, another student, while pointing (manners, people, manners), asked "I want to be a scientist, what is that you want to be?" I was so startled that I hesitated, and the director dragged the conversation in another direction before I could respond.

So I want to answer the question now. I want to be a scientist too. I'm reading philosophy of science, journal articles, taking methods courses, writing, writing, writing and hoping to be published. But will that make me a scientist when nursing is, and will always be, only a human science?

I think so. But I also know that nursing science is still earning respect. Nursing science is still young. It is a science that is made up almost entirely of women. It is a science that addresses amorphous things like quality of life and un-glamorous things like pain relief and medication adherence. It is a science that asks the un-fun questions, things like are our patients actually satisfied with their care? It is not a well-paid science. We are not the superstars of the biological sciences. But when I read our journals (Do doctors read them? Do they know how important some of the things we write are?) I know that we "do" science. And that it is interesting, important science.

What binds nurses is that sometimes we alone actually know what we do. I can sit across the table from another nurse and "know" something about her without knowing much about her at all. What makes us different, perhaps, from doctors or judges or astrophysicists, isn't that we weren't smart enough to get into those programs (and yes, I've had someone say, "you seem smart enough to have gotten into medical school, what happened?"), but instead that we are willing to do the unrecognized, dirty, sometimes disheartening work because we think it is important. And that we are able to create meaning from it. Maybe that is our science.

I am not advocating that we  become defensive and I really want to STOP having the nurses-as-angels phenomenon. That pedestal was only a gilded cage. I am advocating instead that we continue answering, describing, and demonstrating what we do. Even when we are sick of talking about it. If you are a nurse, tell someone what you do all day, not only the good or bad things, but the real things. Make friends with a doctor. They need to see us as people and they need to know what we do and what our science says too!

What I really ask of any nurse reading this is that you stop and think. Think about why you do what you do. If what you do is science and why. Think about how you know what you know. Think about why you didn't go to medical school. Don't be caught off guard the next time someone asks you an important question about nursing. Instead, please take the opportunity to define nursing, for yourself, and for someone else.

Do this for me. So that nobody asks me how medical school is going ever again....

M.I.A.

I know that it's been a loooong time since I last posted. I apologize. I would like to list my many excuses. First, holy god is there a lot of work, reading and time to this PhD stuff! Secondly, I had to travel home to Chicago briefly and also had a lovely visit here from close friends. Finally, I recently caught something that I am calling "flu-plague," because that is exactly how it feels. As I currently have no voice, but have recovered from the recurrent fever that was symptomatic of my "flu-plague," it seemed like a good time to write.

I have some new advice for anybody who reads this blog for doctoral info. or tips. First, I've now learned that this is not a sprint, it is a marathon. I am beginning to understand the real definition of persistence. You might think that you are a persistent person (I did), you might think that you know what the word means (Oh, just wait until they teach you about concept analysis), you might have completed some previous tasks that required persistence (they were good preparation), but this process requires a lot more persistence than you ever imagined.

Be aware that your endurance will build, but also actively try to build it by keeping up with the readings and thinking ahead. Nothing in the program is ever done; papers, projects, classes are only the blocks that you will use to write the next paper, do the next project or take the next class. There is no filler. It is all important. And that is overwhelming. So let go of the idea that you are going to finish something and move on to other things.  I have files, on top of files, on top of stacks of articles that I know will be useful....for something later.

There has been very little coasting so far. The work is concussive. I have papers due in three weeks that are worth half of my grade for a class. I still have to write them even though I just got back all of my mid-quarter papers with grades that seem less than reflective of the extreme effort that went into them. Which leads me to another tip. Get a thick skin BEFORE you start a PhD program. The gloves are off. There isn't time for anyone to write "nice effort." It isn't that the grading is harsh, or unfair, it isn't. It's just that we are going to be the colleagues of the professors that are grading these papers. And they are not planning on raising any fools. They're using each paper we write as a place to give constructive criticism. It has all been constructive, it has almost all been criticism also. I have learned to live for the "nicely done" comment or the "interesting thought" scribbled in a margin. They are manna to me.

These papers are also, for the first time in my educational career, all applicable. Because the assignments are tailored so that each student can write them on the phenomenon of interest relevant to that student, they are all a chance to increase knowledge. What I have found to be very, very helpful is that I had some articles and basic knowledge on my topic before entering the program. This leads me to my last tip for this post. Before entering a PhD program, it is important to have accumulated and read at least some articles in the area that you would like to research. For one of the applications to schools, I had to write a scholarly paper. The articles that I found for that paper have served as references, places to look for other references, and idea-generators for all of the papers I've written this quarter. The amount of time it would have taken to find them during the quarter might have been crippling.

So that's it. I'm still loving it, but the honeymoon is over. I'm off to take NyQuil and go to bed. I have to get up and start working early. :)

Beat Down

So. I am exhausted. I could read everyday, all day, and still be behind. I am in the middle of what might be called mid-terms, or what might also be called an outer circle of paper-writing hell. In the last few weeks, I have actually noticed my vision getting worse. I think that it is from all of the reading. This is the less fun part of the program.

I am still staying afloat, even in this sea of never-ending papers, but I'm concerned about not doing well. (I almost made a very bad joke about regression towards the mean, or as we just learned it is also called, regression towards mediocrity. Aren't you glad I stopped myself?) I'm worried that in this paper-flurry from you-know-where, that I am not writing my best or truly learning as much as I could in the process.


To counter this potential negative effect, I have a new plan. First, I am going to continue to do what I have been doing well. It works for me to start papers early and spend the days before they are due tweaking them. I like to have that window and time to make them better. Secondly, I will not eat junk food. I am up late tonight because I have a stomachache from cookies. Not sleeping due to intestinal pain does not help my productivity. Thirdly, I am going to get control of my time again. That means that I will, no matter what, fit in exercise and breaks. I am willing to sacrifice my vision to this program, but not my sanity. Also, when things are stressful, not exercising, crappy sleep hygiene, and eating poorly only make it much, much worse for me.

I know that this is a transition. I've been out of school, practicing nursing, and this is the first batch of papers and assignments that are due. This if the painful part of acculturating to this new way of thinking and performing.

It will be fine. I can do this.

Tightrope

I am well into the first quarter now. This is the fourth week for two of my classes and the third week for two others. Since the quarter system is 10 weeks (give or take a week for finals) then I'm a solid third of the way into these topics. Already my view and ability to read the research critically has improved. My ideas about my topic of interest have expanded. I can feel myself starting to pull ideas together, but I'm still overwhelmed by the readings and I have well more than my previous estimate of papers still to do.

This week I've completed my class readings (no simple feat as reading for the program is a very active process), have made significant progress on my group assignment, written the rough draft for my paper in my theory development class, started the rough draft for the qualitative class, thought deeply about the topic for my philosophy class, and managed to post this blog entry. Let's just stop and review that list....it is a thing of beauty. But wonderful accomplishments often have a steep price...

I haven't gone to the gym in two weeks. I have forgotten to eat on multiple occasions. My butt goes numb from sitting and reading all day. I haven't talked to important members of my family in weeks.

I think that my major failure for this first third of the first quarter is that I haven't managed to find my balance of school and life yet. It is time that I at least focus a little on that balance. I am nurse first, before almost anything else, and I know that health is not passively achieved. So starting on Thursday, I am going to avail myself of the campus gym.And then on Friday, I'm going to go back to the gym again. And maybe take a walk to the park too.
 
It won't be a problem - maybe I can jog on the treadmill and read my assignments at the same time!

The thick of it

Holga Picture!

Everything for right now is pretty much the same, though things are getting a little more intense. I have four assignments due in the next three weeks. They range from being fairly minor, two-page papers to full mid-term papers worth almost half of the class grade. They are my top priority starting tomorrow morning. Today, I spent my time in a meeting about the other project I'm working on and working at the clinic that I volunteer at for my own joy!

I meant to start working on my papers and readings (because even if there are assignments, the readings continue) but my phone wasn't accepting calls. So I worked on that, made and ate dinner and played with KitKit and the night was pretty much done.

I have social/fun things scheduled on Sunday and also all day to work on Monday. But I need to get a lot done tomorrow. It's off to sleep with me, I have to wake up and function in the AM! And I'd also like to get at least a short run in tomorrow.

As this was a boring post, I'll end by wishing everybody a wonderful weekend! See you next week!

PS. If you want to leave a comment, I would love to read it! 

A brief story of how I signed up for a fifth class... And a long update on the process itself

I really feel like I'm in the thick of things now. First I want to tell you an amusing story and then I want to highlight some of what it feels like to be taking these classes during this first semester. But as a quick prologue to both, I wanted to restate why I am writing this blog. I originally envisioned this blog as a way to fill a gap that I found when I was researching the idea of applying for PhD programs. I didn't find very many nursing PhD blogs. I found one, but it didn't seem to be near the beginning and navigating back to the start of the nurse-blogger's program was tricky on her site. Also, I found non-nurse PhD blogs, but I coudn't judge their applicability or similarity to our process. While this blog is at times personal, that is only because this process is personal and affects more than just me. So if you're here reading just for information on what it is to be a student, I want to give you as much of that as I can. And if you're here reading for personal stuff, like my sister or my husband, then I want to update you as well....

So now a little background on how I signed up for a fifth class... We are very lucky at our school because the university highly values collaboration in research. To this end, they offer many, many seminars and classes that are not core requirements but instead are opportunities to network and learn from experts in other fields. Also, if there is a class in another specialty that you want to take to learn, but don't really want to be tested on, etc, you can audit it or take it for fewer hours and opt out of a paper or two. This was explained to us as an overview, but it seemed weird to me. At my previous university you paid per semester hour, so any extra class might raise your tuition. Not so, here. One of the seminar classes looked interesting to me, so I went to it during my lunch. I thought that I would just sit in the back and get a feel for it... Only, that's not it works here. We had to introduce ourselves and sign-in. This "seminar" is a graded class (whoops!). BUT, the grade is only based on participation. As there were only 10 of us, it didn't seem like a good idea to just leave. And it is an interesting class...it is also, however, my fifth class. Yikes.

So here's some info. on what I've figured out so far about the PhD process, though, it is specific to my program. Our classes are on the quarter system versus the semester system. This means that we have approximately 10 weeks of classes, with finals for some classes being in an eleventh week. The semester system is usually 16 weeks. The pace feels fast. Thankfully, it is all very interesting and the professors seemed to have chosen good texts. I am expected to read around 100 pages of materiel for each class. There isn't much "homework" and what there is, isn't usually graded. The homework is to help each student develop their research goals in the long-term (to make you start thinking) and to be the basis of your papers for class. Most of the classes have a mid-term paper and a final paper. The grade for these classes is made up of 90% from the papers and 10% from participation. How long each paper is expected to be varies. Most of the midterm papers seem to be less than 10 pages, but the final papers are expected to be as long as 20 pages. Each student may take classes for approximately 2 years. After that, a student takes the classes that they need to learn and write about their topic. There are classes that are highly recommended for every student but there are no required classes at all. 

The whole program is not designed by chance. Each class is intended to build on the one before, marching us closer and closer to our study and making us experts (or as close as anyone can be without having years and years of research behind them) on research and our topic. I am trying for a PhD, not a DNP, so this is a research-focused degree. What that means is that I will need to write qualifying exams, if I pass, I will advance to candidacy and then I would need to design, implement and write a study that creates new nursing knowledge. Then I would need to finish my dissertation and defend it before I can achieve my degree. I am expected to keep making progress at all points along this plan; stalling out means that a student might be asked to leave. The time limit is 7 years.

I'm going to be honest and tell people out there that I did not have a clear idea of what was expected in this degree until the first day of orientation. I had a better idea than some people because I had gotten a book that was a general guide to PhDs from the bookstore, but I didn't know the specific process. There is a reason this is important! I want a research degree. This is the path that appeals to me most. But for many who are considering this path, they don't understand that a PhD doesn't have much to do with learning new clinical skills. We are not becoming mini-MDs. We are becoming researchers and educators, with the emphasis on researchers. We are trying to learn how new nursing knowledge is created. An article that I read once said that there is a high PhD failure rate because people have confused expectations, if you are considering this degree, you need to be very clear about your expectations and goals.

So I'm off to do my reading, work on the project I'm helping out with, and try to finish my non-graded homework! I hope that this post was helpful to some people. If anyone is actually out there reading this and considering a PhD, feel free to post a question about the process. I may not be far enough along to answer it fully, but I'll give you whatever knowledge I have!

First Day of Class!

Thanks to three days of orientation, I felt prepared for the first day of classes today. We're starting out with the basics of a research degree: philosophy and theory. I am a fan of philosophy. My most memorable undergraduate class was a philosophical class.

In fact, if I wasn't interested, the first reading might have been a little overwhelming! Thankfully, there are some good on-line dictionaries. We are asking some really interesting questions in our classes. Today we discussed what knowledge is and whether it can accurately reflect reality. We discussed reality. We talked about what constitutes and comprises nursing knowledge. We wondered whether nursing has to have its own theories or how important nursing theories are if there are strong research theories already developed. And like every philosophy class I've ever been in, we didn't resolve anything. I loved it. It is really nice to just think.

In the very short time that I've been working on this degree (the entire first day) I've noticed that there is an emphasis on thinking. My previous degrees emphasized skills. We did learn how to read research and we studied some basic statistics, but our goal was to develop and use skills. That is a great goal, and I'll use those skills my whole life. My nursing knowledge is what defines a good part of who I am, no matter how I define nursing knowledge. But I am really excited to begin to understand the history of that knowledge and the theories that helped create it.

Knowledge is power! Well actually what is accepted as knowledge may be influenced by who is in power therefore making it less representative of reality for some people...but still, yay!

I worked a little on my project after class but my cat was really a little too interested in helping and I ended up giving him a brushing and then making dinner.

He is very helpful.

Orientation Day 1

So today was the first day of orientation. The day was focused mostly on technology and technology systems that we would need as students. It was much more interesting than I would have expected. In spite of the evidence of this blog, a technological accomplishment, I am not particularly technologically savvy. Trust me, my husband can attest to the fact that if there is anything that I believe about technology it is that it should just work without me ever knowing how it does. But as a wittier TV writer than me once penned for a character, "computers can smell fear."

The opening part of the day was a lesson on the new legislation surrounding the importance of keeping patient information private. As a nurse, this is well known to me. I have twice been an employee of institutions upgrading to electronic medical records, and I have been a patient of a medical center that kept my data electronically. I want that information to stay secure as much as any nurse or patient. But I was startled today to learn that there is legislation now in place allowing for an individual health provider, not just the institution that they work for, to be charged both criminally and civilly for a breach of patient confidentiality. Yikes.

I was very glad that I am not currently working with any patient information. I was also very glad that my husband spent some of this weekend attempting to upgrade the safety of our computers! I am very lucky that he is so smart about computer stuff.

I also wanted to share this youtube video that was shown in our orientation. The faculty person who played it said that it was a couple of years old (and in today's tech crazy world that is a huge amount of time!) but it was interesting to me.

A Vision of Students Today

Orientation continues tomorrow.

Countdown

On Monday I start orientation and one week from today I start the actual courses! I can't believe how quickly this time has passed. I have readings due for the first day of lecture. Most importantly, I get to meet the rest of my class! (Or "cohort" as we are called by the school....)

I worked today on starting the reading and evaluation of the research for the project I mentioned yesterday. I enjoy the topic and time is flying. The primary author of the article had a large amount of background research at hand and has passed that on to me as a starting place. I focused on the British research related to our topic today. It was startling to me that the US and the UK are discussing similar themes related to this topic. Most of what I read was very applicable.

To help organize my thoughts and keep track of the studies, I'm working on an annotated bibliography and a chart describing the articles. As a rule I'm not taking notes as I read, but instead trying to read each article through and recognize any important themes, especially as they may be applicable to our article. Then I'm re-reading areas that I think are most relevant. I hope my thoroughness early on saves me time later.

I am looking forward to the weekend. My sister suggested a movie that sounds like fun, and the idea of dinner and a movie with my husband are very appealing to me right now!

Lastly, I want anyone who is reading this blog to feel comfortable posting a question, a comment, or de-lurking for a nano-second to send a little wave. It would make me feel great. Thanks!

Like water off a duck's back

Not too much bothers this cat.

Today was a bit much. First, I want to say that I am lucky to be working on a project with a wonderful researcher. This is an incredible opportunity. It is also hard, thoughtful work. Yesterday, we sat down and discussed the project. I had plans today to start working on this project and to meet with my primary advisor. I went to sleep last night with a firm and positive idea of what today was going to be.

I woke up and it pretty quickly started to unravel. What is amazing to me is that something external to me can have such an effect on the day. At least it can have such an effect on my day. What's also interesting to me is that the true reason that something bothers me isn't always as clear to me as I would wish. Perhaps being alone in a new city lowered my defenses. I really want someday to be the person who can respond with kindness and wisdom to the best and worst that I encounter even if I'm otherwise stressed.

Basically, yesterday, I posted a link to a social service I had visited on my facebook page. Someone who has an opposite political view used the opportunity as a way to expound their beliefs. They weren't overtly rude, just passive-aggressive. Once again, perhaps because my defenses were down, the discussion felt a little more invasive or hurtful to me than maybe it should have felt.

I can see two views on this. First, I posted this link on a relatively public forum. That essentially cleared the way for a contrary and very political opinion. It was a forum that was open to people that I had allowed to see it. A public forum, even a limited one, is essentially open. My opposite feeling goes something like this: the comment I posted was not overtly political so to make the response political was not appropriate, even in a public, non-moderated space. In fact, nothing I stated was political, though the link was to a social service; I have noticed that social services have become more targeted as this country has entered its current fiscal crisis. To force the conversation into a political arena, though, seemed an almost willful disregard for the spirit of the post.

The second view is about opinions. Yes, anyone can post an opinion or a response on facebook. Anything that one wants to write can be written down. But remember that trite old saying, "just because you can, doesn't mean you should?" That saying seems suddenly very applicable. We all have opinions, beliefs. I like peas, for example, but my husband doesn't. People don't (at least most people don't) see any benefit in having a public argument about whose vegetable preferences are "right" and whose are "wrong."  How really, is my happiness at seeing a social service made available any more assailable than anyone's vegetable preference? I can not prove that I'm correct. I can only support what I say with research. I did that, but at some point the person I'm speaking to has to be willing to accept that data, which he wasn't.

In the end, I felt a little dazed that my perfectly innocuous post had turned into a nightmare discussion about politics. I have no idea how he felt. And that really is the problem with a publicly stated opinion in a social-media forum: you aren't able to read the recipient of your statement's cues. It's a two-sided discussion without the one-sided limiting factor of conscience. I still don't know if he wanted to be hurtful, or if he just couldn't read my cues. I tried to couch my responses in a polite but firm way, but maybe I failed. I can't tell.

I'm here posting this because I feel that we all need to be more careful about what and how we say things in a public, social-networking forum. I want to be a community-builder, but today I felt like someone who lost that battle.

It also shrunk my whole day down into being constantly afraid of the next post. It made it hard to work. This externality (so harmless, just a facebook message) impacted my entire day. I could have just de-friended him, but again, what about community? I don't want to repeat this experience, but without just cutting people off, I don't know how to prevent it. Until I gain more grace,  I think that I'll just have to keep learning how to let more roll off my back.

Officially Official

So I'm now official! I went today and obtained my student ID. Like all official identifications, the process involved trying to find an office in the basement of a large building and a significantly less than flattering photo of myself. But, I now have documentation that  I am a "Doctoral Student." It was worth it.

I also received my first course syllabus. The course appears to explore the philosophical foundations of science and nursing science. I glanced through one of the required texts in the university bookstore and I ended up reading an entire section on postmodernism theory in research.  The readings interest me and I like theory. The only concerning aspect was that the entire class grade is based on only three things: class participation and two papers. Yikes! The syllabus indicated that the first paper should be 4 pages long and is worth 40% of the grade. No pressure though...each page is only 10% of my entire grade for the class!

The toll of being pretty much by myself and separated from my husband is starting to wear a little. I have made contact with two people I know in the city and I hope to see them next week. In the past, I've found being in classes a good way to find and keep friends. But I also know that forming new, close friendships is harder as we get older. I'm glad that I'm in the nursing program because we'll all at least have one initial commonality.

We made it!

King of the boxes!

The move went well! The movers were professional and the furniture and boxes arrived almost completely unscathed. I was very impressed. We had heard a ton of horror stories about movers and I am so glad to say that we didn't experience anything unpleasant.

Also, I was really, really relieved that all of our stuff fit into our new place. We knew ahead of time that we were decreasing our amount of living space by about a third. I went ahead and attempted to weed out about a third of our stuff so that we wouldn't be cramped in the new apartment. I must have done a good job as everything we brought we're using and there's actually room for us and our stuff without a feeling of clutter.

Living closer has allowed me to also make some progress on things like financial aid and registration. On Tuesday I spent a large amount of the day making arrangements to discuss my funding and aid with "people in charge." So far, I am quite lucky that it all seems to be working out for the best. To meet my appointments, I had to figure out the university shuttle system. There are a few campus sites around the city and different offices may be located at any campus.

The shuttle is wonderful and saves me time and money. The city has incredible public transportation, but the shuttle is more direct. To ride it, you do need some courage. Careening down the hills here is...exciting. A couple of times I thought that I'd left my stomach at the top while my body continued down without it. The drivers accelerated down some of the hills, and when I looked around to see who else was about to lose their lunch, everyone was just quietly reading! Acclimation or fearlessness? I'll let you know.

I also figured out when orientation is supposed to take place. Now, I got this info. from the school website, so I still don't know important stuff like when and where to meet. I await an e-mail or packet or something about all of that...

Finally, yesterday I had another meeting with a  researcher whose work I admire. I'm hoping to work with her during my program. She invited me to a seminar on the area of research that I'm most interesting in studying. It was one of the most interesting lectures I've ever been to, and it re-ignited my drive to do this. During the move, there were many times when I questioned my resolve and even my ability to be a PhD student. When my husband had to fly back and I knew that he wouldn't be with me again for 10 days, I came very close to a real crisis. To be re-connected with why I want to be here was so very helpful this week. 

Limbo

KitKit enjoying the newly cleared bookcase space

The movers will arrive to take our things in 5 days. Packing seems to be following the "80-20" rule. This last 20 percent of stuff is taking me so much time. And it has gotten really, really warm here in San Diego. Also, still no registration packet! I feel like I'm stuck in a strange slow-motion waiting mode.  I can't seem to work up enough energy to pack, plan or really do anything except wait for the mailman. I have a very bad feeling that this weekend is going to be an exercise in chaos while I attempt to finish packing and prepping.

However, this odd confluence of non-events has made me suddenly very interested in cooking. I was not a kitcheny person in my previous employed life. I was very good at the dietary essentials of being from Chicago: take-out, order-in, and dining at great restaurants. Now that I am a broke, unemployed student, I am learning to cook. In my kitchen. Which just used to be where I stored the wine.

So far, I have almost lost a finger and shredded the side of my right hand. My husband does seem very happy to come home to ready meals. And he never, ever spits anything out into his napkin in front of me....

And what I really mean to say is

that some of this looks insurmountable. I am excited. I am ready to start studying. I am ready for this. And I am also almost certain that I could be making a terrible, life-altering mistake. 

This period of not-working, packing, preparing has left me with a lot of time to think. And I'm thinking about the cost. There is cost to leaving my husband behind, moving to a city where I know no one, and of course, the cost, or money, for all of this. In fact I'm thinking about these things a lot. Packing, unlike seeing patients at the clinic, does not shut off my worry-thinking. And this is before the actual stress of school. Before the actual "can I do this?" stress there is a lot of "what the hell have I done" stress. 

The school said that they would send a "registration packet" in mid-August. Ummmm, it is mid-August, and now, the unknowns are clearly my biggest fear. So, please university admission people, could you send that packet and lighten a tiny bit of my load?

Salutations!

When I started applying for PhD programs in nursing, I also started looking for guidance. Any guidance. I wanted an idea, some preparation or just someone to stop me cold with a reality check. But, I didn't find any blogs that were really discussing the obtaining of a PhD in nursing.

The application process was truly a Leviathan  process and to cope I started posting on a thread at allnurses.com. But I still didn't find a real forum for nursing doctoral students. The application process and the waiting was lonely. I have a feeling that the PhD might be the loneliest degree yet, so I need some community support or maybe an outlet. So I've started one here. I'm going to attempt to anonymously describe what this endeavor entails. Hopefully, it will help the next nurse who considers a PhD do so with a realistic view of the situation.

I also think that I'm now at a place where the story might get interesting. I've been accepted to a program in California and I start classes in the fall. I ended my well-paying job (read best-paying job of my life) a week ago and I'm packing for the move. Me, my cat and my husband (though only part-time for DH as his job is still in our current city) are packing and moving to a different California town in three weeks. I'm excited! Or possibly that is just my ulcer forming...

I am reminded right now of a fortune that my father-in-law got in a fortune cookie last year. It read, "Everywhere you go there is excitement!" My father-in-law paused and then said, " Well that's ambiguous. I mean I went to World War II and it was exciting, but I sure as hell wouldn't want to go back!"