And you thought RN stood for Registered Nurse

Today was the first day of spring quarter. I almost opted to take a fifth class (an actual fifth class, not just a seminar), but after agonizing about it for days, I made the decision to not. I am still unsure if that was the best choice, but it had to be made. I could not imagine a fifth class for credit. So am I here to learn everything, just what I need to get out, the things that I want to know, or some ephemeral combination of all of those things?

When I started this program, I assumed that the curriculum would be a standard, pre-set path for PhD students. (Not true). I assumed that we would all learn the same things. (Again, no.) And that we would all learn them at the same time. (Nuh-uh.)

In the PhD program, there are recommended classes, but there are no required classes. Freaky, huh? Well, actually not as much as one might initially think. In some European programs, many PhD students don't even have recommended classes. Essentially in the European system, one pairs up with an expert in the topic area one is interested in and then takes classes only if they are needed. Here in the states, there is more structure, but a doctoral student uses their time to take the classes that will give them the information that they need most. But that isn't as easy it might sound. How do you know what you need? Is it what you'll still need as a researcher in 10 years? What if you're wrong, can you fix it later?

For example, in nursing, I could choose to research my topic area in either a qualitative or quantitative way. The method that I use should be determined by my specific question... but I don't have that question yet! (I'm not alone in this either). The problem is that studying both methods is crazy-talk. Some people do it, but maybe not all at once and it is NOT encouraged. So I have pretty much decided that I'm going the quantitative route. I've based this decision on the specialties of my mentors, the way that I generally think, my personal views and philosophies regarding science, and some of my own learning characteristics. I have not based it on my question. I am hoping that I haven't restricted what I may do in the future. I'm already secretly planning a qualitative post-doc. (Shhhh...don't tell anyone, I'm planning my next way to go back to school. I am Hee-Larious, right?!) Anyway, this essentially means that I chose to not take the next qualitative class so that I could take an advanced nursing seminar on a topic I am incredibly interested in and another theory class.

Anyone reading may have noticed that I italicized "another." One of the most startling things that I have found out about myself during this first year is that I love theory. (And now many nurses around the world just shuddered and they don't know why....) Theory, especially nursing theory, is the thing that I loathed most about undergraduate nursing. I HATED it. This has changed. I don't know if it is taught differently in my PhD program. I don't know if now that I'm studying to do research that I suddenly understand how important it is. I don't know if I'm just a more mature person. But I like it now, even though it makes my brain hurt and I'm not necessarily good at it. I love thinking about concepts, their connections, and how they might explain why something happens.

I think that I've made decisions on classes that will lead to me learning the skills that I need. I hope that I will work in a research intensive university where I am able to learn more skills if I need them later. I hope that I get a post-doc. I love research. I love theory. I also love qualitative research and I wanted to learn EVERYTHING while I was here. In giving up the qualitative class, I'm hopeful that I'll be a better researcher in my focused area. (Cross your fingers with me!!!)

I am now, officially, a giant nerd. But, as my good friend told me today, "RN doesn't stand for registered nurse, it stands for really nerdy."

I'll close with a picture from a walk that we took over the weekend. I love this city!

An aside

So, this week I caught something nasty. Of course I also caught it just in time to miss my scheduled trip to see my family. At least I'm not sick in the middle of four classes like I was last quarter.

For the last two days I've been resting, drinking fluids and watching my temperature fluctuate. Pretty boring stuff. What has been interesting, though, is how frustrated and guilty I've been feeling. I don't know if this is a personality flaw or some sort of perverse nursing socialization response, but the overwhelming sense that I should be doing something useful is almost killing me!


I rarely called in sick when I worked (way not cool to leave a unit understaffed, better to wear a mask and still show up), and last quarter when I was sick, I still went to class. (It's only a 10-week quarter, it isn't a good idea to miss any lectures). Now, I don't have anywhere to be, and while I certainly have useful things I could do, I don't really have the energy to do them. But I can't relax. Every minute that I sit here or while I'm trying to take a nap, my brain is rattling off the constructive, important, useful things I could be doing instead. It is amazing how hard it is to relax.

I'm actually having to work at resting. Weird...huh?

End of Second Quarter Summary

The first thing that I want to say is how hard it has been to watch the news for the past few days. The images and stories from Japan are heartbreaking. I am having a hard time turning the TV off, even while it makes me cry to watch it. I feel like if the Japanese people have to live this nightmare, the very least I can do is be a witness to it and mourn with them.

For the last few days as I studied for statistics and wrote final papers, the background noise in my apartment has been CNN. Yesterday, I was so relieved to go to the library and sit with my classmates. Having company helped.

However, last night, I started to feel pretty unwell. I don't know if the end of the quarter will always result in my getting sick, but so far that is the pattern. I took my final statistics test today with a mild fever and a sore throat. By the time I got home, the fever was climbing. I can not stress how important it was that I had already completed a final draft of my paper! Once again, I have found that having a first draft at least a week prior to the due date and just re-working it and strengthening it over the remaining time is a life-saver!

I am going to miss a trip to visit my family, though, because of this flu or cold. And I am pretty upset about it. I can't risk exposing all of the other travelers and my family to whatever this is, but I really, really wanted to take this trip. Instead, I'm going to bed early and taking the cat with me for comfort.

I wish that everyone in the whole world had the luxury of resting right now.

Really, really correlated

I know that I am finally reaching my limit of asceticism.

I know this because I've started re-reading the Kinsey Millhone series at night for comfort. Her character revels in living as a minimalist, alone in California. She takes pleasure in all the things that can make me feel lonely if I don't constantly scan for that feeling and nip it in the bud as soon as I notice it. For right now, that series is the most relaxing thing at the end of the day.

It shouldn't be surprising that my current state of bibliophilic decompensation is appearing in week 10 of the 10 week quarter. Today, I added to my grant draft and sent my most recent (incomplete) version to the professor. As the class is pass/fail, and mainly informative, she did not require a completed draft to pass. That is good, since I don't have a completed draft. 

Next, I worked on my final statistics problem set.  I should have known that I was nearing my limit when I got a correlation coefficient of 1.48 (which is impossible for that particular test) and considered writing the professor a note that said, "Hi. I realize that this result is impossible. And that realization is completely due to your excellent teaching. However, I've attempted to find my math error for over an hour and simply can not locate it. How about we just say it's really, really correlated and call it a day?" While I think that the prof, who has a remarkable sense of humor considering his subject, would laugh, he wouldn't give me points for creativity.

I ended the day by completing the first draft of the final paper for my remaining class. This would be a cause for celebration, but I know that it needs work. And I only have a few more days to polish it. Polished papers are really the goal, since they count for so much of the grades in the program.(And of course are focused on our specific topics and therefore teach us as we write them.) This one is worth 50% of my course grade. 

Overall, this quarter is drawing to a close. And while there wasn't any one thing that I can say I disliked about this quarter, it also wasn't as enjoyable as the first. 

Yay! for getting through it.

Uphill Both Ways

I wanted to write something eloquent tonight. But instead, I'm going to recycle the tweet I posted for my sister:

My backpack weighed in at 25 pounds.
I carried it uphill both ways.
I only finished half of what I started.
I forgot to buy coffee.
Tired.

24 pounds after I dropped off two library books and drank all my water.

 It is week 9 of the 10 week quarter. Can you tell?