Hello Readers!
I am back. I think that I needed a little break for the last quarter or so. I was feeling a bit over-burdened with everything. But, as this quarter winds down I've been feeling a need to update you all and spend some time writing about where I am in the process.
I'm completing my second year of the PhD program at the end of this quarter. The American PhD system is (at least at my school) structured differently than it is in other countries. At my university, we spend the first two years taking courses (from what I understand, and please correct me if I'm wrong, most schools overseas don't have as much, if any, structured coursework). While none of the course are required, the majority of them are recommended. Upon completion of these courses, the student starts to write their qualifying exam papers. Once these are complete and have been reviewed by the student's qualifying exam committee, the student takes the exam (which is an oral exam administered by the committee). A student is allowed two attempts to pass the exam, and if she passes, she is now a PhD candidate. This is called "advancing to candidacy."
The qualifying exam papers are on three topics: a literature review, theory, and measurement (at least for quantitative researchers). The theory and measurement papers should (but, they don't have to!) establish the theoretical grounding and means of measurement for one's dissertation research. They are also the first chapters of one's dissertation.
The committee (once again, this might be university specific) is made up of four (or more) experts in various topics, aspects, statistical methods, etc., that relate to one's dissertation research. I am very happy to say that I have chosen my committee members and they have all agreed to be on my committee! Now, there is a bunch of paperwork to start on to get that all formalized and then I start writing. This summer will be dedicated to writing my papers. I hope to defend (take the exam) in mid-fall. I'm both VERY excited and VERY nervous. I am also very lucky as two of my classmates are on the same timeline as I am, so we can support each other.
So, now that I've outlined what's coming in the program, let me rewind and talk a bit about the focus of my last two quarters: funding. I applied for seven different funding opportunities over the last two quarters. My current funding ends at the end of this quarter, and I haven't had a job (a restriction of my current fellowship) in almost two years. The seven funding opportunities included fellowships, federal research grants, and university scholarships. I have heard back from two: one I have been awarded (it will specifically help with tuition, which takes a huge weight off my shoulders) and one I was denied (it's okay - I'll apply again next year). I'm still waiting to hear the results for the other five.
I've also started looking for work. The next few years of the process will be less structured by classes, which will leave more time for work. BUT! People get this far in a PhD and then stop, or get distracted, and never go back. There is actually a well-known term for it, "ABD" or " all but the dissertation." This is probably partly related to the sudden loss of structure. So, my goal is to not be working full-time, but only enough to stay afloat. I will need lots of time to continue to make progress on my own work.
That's where I am now. I'm going to try to update a bit more frequently, especially as I make progress in the qualifying process.
Have a great day!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Happy National Nurses Week!!
I have avoided posting a new entry to this blog because I have not been in a very happy PhD student place. But, first, let me back up a bit so that this makes sense.
About a year ago, a professor I respect deeply asked me if I was feeling like I'd made the worst mistake of my life in pursuing a PhD. I was surprised. A year ago, I was feeling pretty good. I couldn't understand why she would ask such a question. And then the winter quarter of second year started and it became painfully clear that the only problem with her question had been that she was asking it a year too early.
Perhaps it was the sociology theory course. Or maybe it is the very idea of qualifying exams. Or maybe it was the realization that I had not worked for pay as a nurse in 18 months, and that my new actual title ( in my thirties!!!) was "student." I was supposed to be an "expert" (Who me? Why are you looking at me?!), and I hadn't had a full patient load in a year and a half.
It could have been any one of those things, but whatever it was, it resulted in an existential crisis that can only be described using a recent, pop-culture word: EPIC.
The PhD program is one that forces this painful reflective process, which I am defining as a crisis. First, the PhD program take away belief, (which I was okay with, not having "believed" anything in years). Then it takes away "truth," (which I was maybe a little less than thrilled to let go of, but, hey, I'm the flexible sort). Then it takes away "science," (which FREAKED ME OUT) and what they give you in return is postmodernism or post-structuralism, if you prefer, and if you're really feeling progressive, a little post-post-modernism on the side. Finally, they tell you to make a unique contribution to nursing science (whatever that means!) without belief, truth, or the belief in science as truth.
It's a bit of a shock, really.
And, to add insult to injury, splash the wound with lemon, salt the land that has already been burned (I'm running out of metaphors...), they also ask you to find your own funding. Welcome to academia! Or, if you prefer: this is a game of probability (not chance, there are far too many identified independent variables for that!) and you're betting on yourself. I think that what I didn't realize is that this is a bet that requires you go "all in."
So. How're ya' feeling'? Umm...yeah.
Here I am. The second year is almost done and I'm ready to start writing my qualifying exams. If I can just convince four experts that I know what I'm talking about.... The strange thing is that on the other side of this brief but devastating period of time, I feel ready to write about my phenomenon of interest. I feel ready... I'm just not quite sure *how* I'm supposed to do any of this.
Florence Nightingale once said, "I think one's feelings waste themselves in words; they ought all to be distilled into actions which bring results."
It's time to distill my feelings into actions and it is time to bring some results. It's time to write qualifying exams.
Wish me luck.
About a year ago, a professor I respect deeply asked me if I was feeling like I'd made the worst mistake of my life in pursuing a PhD. I was surprised. A year ago, I was feeling pretty good. I couldn't understand why she would ask such a question. And then the winter quarter of second year started and it became painfully clear that the only problem with her question had been that she was asking it a year too early.
Perhaps it was the sociology theory course. Or maybe it is the very idea of qualifying exams. Or maybe it was the realization that I had not worked for pay as a nurse in 18 months, and that my new actual title ( in my thirties!!!) was "student." I was supposed to be an "expert" (Who me? Why are you looking at me?!), and I hadn't had a full patient load in a year and a half.
It could have been any one of those things, but whatever it was, it resulted in an existential crisis that can only be described using a recent, pop-culture word: EPIC.
The PhD program is one that forces this painful reflective process, which I am defining as a crisis. First, the PhD program take away belief, (which I was okay with, not having "believed" anything in years). Then it takes away "truth," (which I was maybe a little less than thrilled to let go of, but, hey, I'm the flexible sort). Then it takes away "science," (which FREAKED ME OUT) and what they give you in return is postmodernism or post-structuralism, if you prefer, and if you're really feeling progressive, a little post-post-modernism on the side. Finally, they tell you to make a unique contribution to nursing science (whatever that means!) without belief, truth, or the belief in science as truth.
It's a bit of a shock, really.
And, to add insult to injury, splash the wound with lemon, salt the land that has already been burned (I'm running out of metaphors...), they also ask you to find your own funding. Welcome to academia! Or, if you prefer: this is a game of probability (not chance, there are far too many identified independent variables for that!) and you're betting on yourself. I think that what I didn't realize is that this is a bet that requires you go "all in."
So. How're ya' feeling'? Umm...yeah.
Here I am. The second year is almost done and I'm ready to start writing my qualifying exams. If I can just convince four experts that I know what I'm talking about.... The strange thing is that on the other side of this brief but devastating period of time, I feel ready to write about my phenomenon of interest. I feel ready... I'm just not quite sure *how* I'm supposed to do any of this.
Florence Nightingale once said, "I think one's feelings waste themselves in words; they ought all to be distilled into actions which bring results."
It's time to distill my feelings into actions and it is time to bring some results. It's time to write qualifying exams.
Wish me luck.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
The Doldrums
I love the term "the Doldrums." It is the name ancient mariners used to describe an area of the ocean where the wind disappears and you just loll around going nowhere and getting seasick. It is so descriptive of where I am in this program!
I am still taking classes, but the feel of the program is subtly shifting. Our focus is being directed by our mentors towards less guided endeavors. Even the classes are less guided. The assignments are much less directed and there are fewer of them. We're expected to be writing for publication and looking for funding.
The perpetual pursuit of funding has started for me. From what I can tell, this is the start of the rest of my life. Obtaining funding is an essential part of the academic role. As I write a large grant and apply for scholarships from EVERYWHERE, I am solidifying my personal statement, career goals and learning how to describe the importance of my work in 250 words or less. It's harder than it sounds!
Because I've spent a lot of time this quarter working on funding applications, I'd like to write a bit about a very important question for nurses considering going back to school: "How will I pay for it?"
It's a good question.
First, you will learn to live on less. Even the few people in my cohort who have kept working have had to or wished that they could cut back on work, which means cutting back on their money. There may be people who work full-time through their PhD program, but I would argue that they do not have the experience that I'm having - their ability to publish, attend and present at important conferences, or participate in their mentor's research may be reduced. That's a problem because those are things that build your credibility as a nurse researcher.
Next, I'd like to reassure everyone that there is funding out there. The NIH has predoctoral grants, most programs have funding, there are private funding options, and of course loans. Ask your school to help guide you. They should have resources. If not, get on online and apply for the funding that is available to you. Look for loans, I'm not sure any of us will get out of this program without taking at least one or two loans. And finally, spend less. I immediately put my loans from my master's degree on deferment. I don't have a car, we live in a rental with a whole bedroom less than before, and I don't but things that aren't essential. Instead, I have Pinterest boards where I keep all the things that I want in sight, so someday, later, if I still want them, I can find them. It isn't easy, but we're doing okay. If there are people in PhD programs who read this blog and have other suggestions on how to find money and survive financially during the doctorate, I would love to hear them - they might help me too!
Have a great Thursday everyone!
I am still taking classes, but the feel of the program is subtly shifting. Our focus is being directed by our mentors towards less guided endeavors. Even the classes are less guided. The assignments are much less directed and there are fewer of them. We're expected to be writing for publication and looking for funding.
The perpetual pursuit of funding has started for me. From what I can tell, this is the start of the rest of my life. Obtaining funding is an essential part of the academic role. As I write a large grant and apply for scholarships from EVERYWHERE, I am solidifying my personal statement, career goals and learning how to describe the importance of my work in 250 words or less. It's harder than it sounds!
Because I've spent a lot of time this quarter working on funding applications, I'd like to write a bit about a very important question for nurses considering going back to school: "How will I pay for it?"
It's a good question.
First, you will learn to live on less. Even the few people in my cohort who have kept working have had to or wished that they could cut back on work, which means cutting back on their money. There may be people who work full-time through their PhD program, but I would argue that they do not have the experience that I'm having - their ability to publish, attend and present at important conferences, or participate in their mentor's research may be reduced. That's a problem because those are things that build your credibility as a nurse researcher.
Next, I'd like to reassure everyone that there is funding out there. The NIH has predoctoral grants, most programs have funding, there are private funding options, and of course loans. Ask your school to help guide you. They should have resources. If not, get on online and apply for the funding that is available to you. Look for loans, I'm not sure any of us will get out of this program without taking at least one or two loans. And finally, spend less. I immediately put my loans from my master's degree on deferment. I don't have a car, we live in a rental with a whole bedroom less than before, and I don't but things that aren't essential. Instead, I have Pinterest boards where I keep all the things that I want in sight, so someday, later, if I still want them, I can find them. It isn't easy, but we're doing okay. If there are people in PhD programs who read this blog and have other suggestions on how to find money and survive financially during the doctorate, I would love to hear them - they might help me too!
Have a great Thursday everyone!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Compartmentalization
I now compartmentalize. I realized it last week on the train and it took me by surprise. My husband has always been able to compartmentalize and I have never understood it. In fact, I used to find it incredibly annoying. How could anyone just shut one whole aspect of their life down in a moment? I couldn't understand how a person could live without all their messiness from one situation bleeding onto all their messiness of another.
Then, standing on the train, I realized that I had simply stopped worrying about my research residency (even though a project that I'm working on gave me fits all day while I was there and I certainly hadn't really fixed it by the time I left), that I was only focused on reading this one chapter of my stats text during my commute, and that when I stepped off the train I would no longer focus on the stats text and would instead focus on dinner. It was as if one concern simply vanished in the presence of another. NOTHING was moving into the mental space of anything else. It was shocking. And also a little like being reborn. I suddenly felt able to cope with the chaos that the PhD program forces upon a person.
So, I get it. It is a coping mechanism and perhaps even a survival mechanism: if one can't compartmentalize in a PhD program then one's brain surely explodes. Or, at least, that is my explanation for this newly acquired, and still slightly freakish, skill.
I am changing as a person, and that change is slow and incremental, but I notice it in sudden moments of insight that feel like discoveries.
Then, standing on the train, I realized that I had simply stopped worrying about my research residency (even though a project that I'm working on gave me fits all day while I was there and I certainly hadn't really fixed it by the time I left), that I was only focused on reading this one chapter of my stats text during my commute, and that when I stepped off the train I would no longer focus on the stats text and would instead focus on dinner. It was as if one concern simply vanished in the presence of another. NOTHING was moving into the mental space of anything else. It was shocking. And also a little like being reborn. I suddenly felt able to cope with the chaos that the PhD program forces upon a person.
So, I get it. It is a coping mechanism and perhaps even a survival mechanism: if one can't compartmentalize in a PhD program then one's brain surely explodes. Or, at least, that is my explanation for this newly acquired, and still slightly freakish, skill.
I am changing as a person, and that change is slow and incremental, but I notice it in sudden moments of insight that feel like discoveries.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
The Heat is On
The holidays have officially passed. This break was a particularly strange one for me and not very restful. For some reason, it seems to have gone by too quickly and the things that I needed to accomplish during it have not all been finished. This isn't that surprising to me, but I do feel like I never really got to turn off my anxiety from the previous quarter. Since the start of this second year of the program, I have had this constant, low-level sense of anxiety that goes everywhere with me.
After I finished my master's degree, it took me almost a year to completely lose that non-stop, niggling sense of stress. I attributed it to the incredible pressure that I was under to complete a dual certification and work full-time to pay for it. Also, with school, unlike a regular nursing job, you bring so much of the work home with you. My primary study space is my living room. If I stop to read a non-assigned book or watch TV, my giant piles of work stare at me from my desk like enormous lurking guilt-creatures. Every minute that I spend not studying is a minute that I have lost.
At the end of last quarter (AKA the quarter where I took WAY too many classes), I had planned to start working very seriously on my new quest for funding. But, I just couldn't get started. So, here I am, with only a few days until the next quarter starts finally beginning the writing that I should have started three weeks ago. I honestly have no idea how this happened. Nonetheless, this quarter is the quarter where I will be doing the bulk of the applications and proposals for funding for next year. This will be in addition to my other classes. Today, I need to write part of a proposal, continue readings for the first week of classes next week, and build my spreadsheet of funding sources. It really isn't feeling like a break anymore.....
The new quarter starts in a few days!
After I finished my master's degree, it took me almost a year to completely lose that non-stop, niggling sense of stress. I attributed it to the incredible pressure that I was under to complete a dual certification and work full-time to pay for it. Also, with school, unlike a regular nursing job, you bring so much of the work home with you. My primary study space is my living room. If I stop to read a non-assigned book or watch TV, my giant piles of work stare at me from my desk like enormous lurking guilt-creatures. Every minute that I spend not studying is a minute that I have lost.
At the end of last quarter (AKA the quarter where I took WAY too many classes), I had planned to start working very seriously on my new quest for funding. But, I just couldn't get started. So, here I am, with only a few days until the next quarter starts finally beginning the writing that I should have started three weeks ago. I honestly have no idea how this happened. Nonetheless, this quarter is the quarter where I will be doing the bulk of the applications and proposals for funding for next year. This will be in addition to my other classes. Today, I need to write part of a proposal, continue readings for the first week of classes next week, and build my spreadsheet of funding sources. It really isn't feeling like a break anymore.....
The new quarter starts in a few days!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
A List of Fun
I am getting really close to being done with this quarter. I can almost taste it. Since I am getting so close, I want to write a brief summary of what I learned this quarter and then I want to make a list of the (mostly) non-school stuff that I am going to do over this break.
The most important thing that I learned this quarter is that I have a limit to how much I can focus on at one time. I took four classes and I had a research residency. It was too much. I was able to meet all of the minimum requirements for the classes and I don't think that I will do poorly in any of them, but being overburdened certainly prevented me from getting everything that I could have from any of the classes. I was just trying to meet the basic requirements and learn the things that I would need - essentially, I wasn't being the same student that I have been in other quarters. As I was working on my final presentations and papers, I noticed that due to time constraints, I wasn't putting out work that was my best work. I don't like that feeling, and I have definitely learned that the downside of trying to do everything at one time is that you don't do any of those things very well.
The second thing that I've realized is that it takes me a significant amount of time to "come down" after the end of each quarter. I have this jittery feeling. That could be because I still have things to do before the quarter is truly over for me, but I remember this feeling hanging on through previous breaks. In previous posts, I have presented the idea that part of the PhD process is being "socialized." Part of this feeling is, I think, related to my increasing socialization. I always feel like there is something else that I should be doing. This is not a feeling that I like and it is a part of this process that I am actively trying to not internalize. I like to relax, and I don't want to spend the rest of my career being unable to leave my work at work - at least most of the time.
Now, for the fun stuff! Here is a list of things that I am going to start doing as soon as I turn in the last required paper, final or project for this quarter:
1. Work on only one thing related to school - funding opportunities
2. Yoga
3. Jog again
4. Decorate for the holidays
5. Bake cookies!
6. Read the third book in the Millenium Series
7. Shop for holiday gifts
8. Finish knitting the project that I started last winter break
9. TAKE THE WEEKENDS OFF! (Or at least I will try...)
Once I do a little decorating, I'll post a picture or two. :)
The most important thing that I learned this quarter is that I have a limit to how much I can focus on at one time. I took four classes and I had a research residency. It was too much. I was able to meet all of the minimum requirements for the classes and I don't think that I will do poorly in any of them, but being overburdened certainly prevented me from getting everything that I could have from any of the classes. I was just trying to meet the basic requirements and learn the things that I would need - essentially, I wasn't being the same student that I have been in other quarters. As I was working on my final presentations and papers, I noticed that due to time constraints, I wasn't putting out work that was my best work. I don't like that feeling, and I have definitely learned that the downside of trying to do everything at one time is that you don't do any of those things very well.
The second thing that I've realized is that it takes me a significant amount of time to "come down" after the end of each quarter. I have this jittery feeling. That could be because I still have things to do before the quarter is truly over for me, but I remember this feeling hanging on through previous breaks. In previous posts, I have presented the idea that part of the PhD process is being "socialized." Part of this feeling is, I think, related to my increasing socialization. I always feel like there is something else that I should be doing. This is not a feeling that I like and it is a part of this process that I am actively trying to not internalize. I like to relax, and I don't want to spend the rest of my career being unable to leave my work at work - at least most of the time.
Now, for the fun stuff! Here is a list of things that I am going to start doing as soon as I turn in the last required paper, final or project for this quarter:
1. Work on only one thing related to school - funding opportunities
2. Yoga
3. Jog again
4. Decorate for the holidays
5. Bake cookies!
6. Read the third book in the Millenium Series
7. Shop for holiday gifts
8. Finish knitting the project that I started last winter break
9. TAKE THE WEEKENDS OFF! (Or at least I will try...)
Once I do a little decorating, I'll post a picture or two. :)
Sunday, November 27, 2011
The end is in sight!
Tomorrow is the first day of week 10. The quarter is almost over, but like the most difficult quarters it is heavily backloaded. In fact, my last assignment is due on December 6th, which leaves 11 days (including today) to finish everything. I am counting down on my facebook page.
In reality, the end of the quarter does not mean that I will be able to just stop doing stuff related to school. I will still be going in to my research residency, which I am continuing through next quarter. Additionally, I will be focusing *HARD* on preparing applications for funding opportunities over the break. But, I will be able to actually focus more on those without feeling the constant worry that I am neglecting my classes. Also, next quarter I won't be taking as many classes as I did this quarter. In fact, I hope that I will never take as heavy a load as this quarter again.
I am staying motivated by having a list of things that I need to complete to end the quarter and then crossing off things as I finish them. Here's the list:
1.Edit Final Policy Paper
2.Turn in Final Policy Paper
3.Draft Final Theory Paper
4.Edit Final Theory Paper
5.Turn in Final Theory Paper
6.Final Review of Policy Presentation
7.Present Policy Presentation
8.Readings for Stats.
9.Prepare Stats Final Project Presentation
10.Present Stats Final Project
11.Prepare Stats Final Project Write-Up
12.Turn in Stats Final Project Write-Up
13.Theory Readings I missed last week
14.Qual. Readings
15.Edit Qual. Paper
16.Turn In Qual. Paper
17.Complete Statistics Final Exam
18.Review Completed Statistics Final
19.Turn in the Statistics Final Exam
Because it makes me feel less stressed, I will come back here and line out the things that I complete....
I *love* lists. They make it all seem achievable!
Also, what's getting me through these last 11 days is the knowledge that as soon as this stuff is done and turned in, I am going to decorate for the holidays, start doing yoga again, start jogging again and start taking weekends off again. Perhaps most importantly, I am going to start reading non-assigned things again!!!
For all my friends who are in nursing PhD programs: We're almost there! Good luck!
In reality, the end of the quarter does not mean that I will be able to just stop doing stuff related to school. I will still be going in to my research residency, which I am continuing through next quarter. Additionally, I will be focusing *HARD* on preparing applications for funding opportunities over the break. But, I will be able to actually focus more on those without feeling the constant worry that I am neglecting my classes. Also, next quarter I won't be taking as many classes as I did this quarter. In fact, I hope that I will never take as heavy a load as this quarter again.
I am staying motivated by having a list of things that I need to complete to end the quarter and then crossing off things as I finish them. Here's the list:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
Because it makes me feel less stressed, I will come back here and line out the things that I complete....
I *love* lists. They make it all seem achievable!
Also, what's getting me through these last 11 days is the knowledge that as soon as this stuff is done and turned in, I am going to decorate for the holidays, start doing yoga again, start jogging again and start taking weekends off again. Perhaps most importantly, I am going to start reading non-assigned things again!!!
For all my friends who are in nursing PhD programs: We're almost there! Good luck!
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