On Wednesday I passed my qualifying exams! It was a pretty intense experience, and I'm not sure how to describe it yet. I need more time to ruminate. But. It's done and it was helpful.
In the PhD process, I see four major hurdles: admission, qualifying exams, dissertation proposal defense, and the dissertation defense. I'm through two of them, but I don't think that I'm really "half-way" yet. I haven't started doing my dissertation work and writing yet!
For some of my classmates, the qualifying exam felt more like a hoop, and they weren't particularly nervous. For me, it really felt like a hurdle, and I am so glad to have it behind me.
I had planned to almost immediately start working on another grant application, but after talking with a close friend of mine and fellow-PhD student, I've decided to take a break until the New Year. I'm going to work on getting through the *giant* stack of books next to my bed and organizing my cabinets.
I hope everyone has a lovely holiday break, and I'm going to leave you with a bit of humor from another blogger:
http://karenzgoda.org/2012/06/03/graduate-student-barbie/
See you in the New Year!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
I think I can, I think I can
Each quarter seems to follow a similar cycle. At the start of the quarter I have clear goals, and while I know that they will be hard to accomplish, I am confident that *anything* is possible. A few weeks into the quarter, I am absolutely convinced that there is no way that this will all get done. I can't believe that I committed myself to this madness, and I know that this is all going to end in tears. Towards the end of the quarter (where I am today), I am shocked at how much I've gotten done. And I have no idea how I've done it.
As I write this today, I'm not actually through the quarter. My grant is due on Monday. My qualifying exam is next Wednesday. In a worst case scenario, I could fail my qualifying exam and have to do it again. I still have lots of preparation for the exam and while the grant is completely drafted, there are a few sections that aren't finalized. But, even with those terrible realities, I am (at least today) kind of amazed at what I have gotten done in the last ten weeks.
Over the last ten weeks, I draft, edited, and finalized three qualifying papers. In total they are over 140 pages of thought. Are these the papers that I started out planning to write? No. But, they taught me a lot and helped me organize my thinking about my topic. I think that they form a foundation for my continued thinking and research on my topic. These papers, in this form, will not likely actually appear in my dissertation. However, I think that these papers will form the skeleton of a chapter or two.
I have also edited and re-written my NIH grant for resubmission. This grant is a bit of a beast, and I basically started from scratch with it. Who knows if I'll even get scored? I'm hopeful, and I think that it is a better grant than the one I submitted previously, but this process is a bit like trying to hit a target that is placed after you shoot and is moving the whole time. Whether I'm funded or not, I think the process of writing this grant will help me write my proposal next quarter.
In addition to those larger accomplishments, I found a new advisor and started building a relationship with that person, ran a marathon, edited and submitted a paper for publication, co-authored another data-based publication with my research residency team, subbed in a class for my current advisor, presented at a national conference, and kept both of my jobs. I am proud of how much I've gotten done this quarter, but I don't want another quarter like this again for a while!
To keep myself going for the next eight days, I've been keeping a list in my head of the things that I want to do starting next Thursday. As this last week feels like a final push (and I am a bit tired), I thought that I would put this list on the blog!
As I write this today, I'm not actually through the quarter. My grant is due on Monday. My qualifying exam is next Wednesday. In a worst case scenario, I could fail my qualifying exam and have to do it again. I still have lots of preparation for the exam and while the grant is completely drafted, there are a few sections that aren't finalized. But, even with those terrible realities, I am (at least today) kind of amazed at what I have gotten done in the last ten weeks.
Over the last ten weeks, I draft, edited, and finalized three qualifying papers. In total they are over 140 pages of thought. Are these the papers that I started out planning to write? No. But, they taught me a lot and helped me organize my thinking about my topic. I think that they form a foundation for my continued thinking and research on my topic. These papers, in this form, will not likely actually appear in my dissertation. However, I think that these papers will form the skeleton of a chapter or two.
I have also edited and re-written my NIH grant for resubmission. This grant is a bit of a beast, and I basically started from scratch with it. Who knows if I'll even get scored? I'm hopeful, and I think that it is a better grant than the one I submitted previously, but this process is a bit like trying to hit a target that is placed after you shoot and is moving the whole time. Whether I'm funded or not, I think the process of writing this grant will help me write my proposal next quarter.
In addition to those larger accomplishments, I found a new advisor and started building a relationship with that person, ran a marathon, edited and submitted a paper for publication, co-authored another data-based publication with my research residency team, subbed in a class for my current advisor, presented at a national conference, and kept both of my jobs. I am proud of how much I've gotten done this quarter, but I don't want another quarter like this again for a while!
To keep myself going for the next eight days, I've been keeping a list in my head of the things that I want to do starting next Thursday. As this last week feels like a final push (and I am a bit tired), I thought that I would put this list on the blog!
- Read some of the (non-school related) books stacked up next to my bed! (I swear there are thirty books there...)
- Holiday shop
- Watch holiday movies
- Bake cookies!
- Clean my cabinets - seriously, things just fall out when I open them right now
- Practice my guitar a lot
- Skype with my sister
- Jog every day
- Take a rowing class
- Go to the city museums
- Spend at least two days wandering around my adopted city like a tourist
I am so looking forward to doing these things, I just have to push through next Wednesday! Wish me luck!!!
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Edits....
I submitted the draft for my third qualifying exam paper last night! I feel a little less stressed because I'm still making my deadlines. But, this quarter is full of work and none of it is unimportant. Plus, this is a quarter full of changes. So, this post is going to be about qualifying exams and changes that can, and often do occur, in the middle of PhD programs. I've talked about qualifying exams before, but I'll focus on them again as they are *very* much on my mind!
I expect that most people have heard of the term "PhD candidate." And one might expect that anyone accepted and enrolled in a PhD program is a PhD candidate. However, that isn't correct. Before a student has taken and passed her (or his) qualifying exams, they are actually called a predoctoral student or just a doctoral student. After the qualifying exam, if a student passes, they are considered to have "advanced to candidacy."
Every scientific discipline has a different format for their exams. Some disciplines test their examinees with multiple choice and essay tests, some require papers, some have an oral defense, and some require a combination of all of these. In my school, for a nursing PhD qualifying exam, we submit three papers and have a two to three hour in-person oral defense (that the professors like to call a "chat.") The papers usually end up being early forms of a student's dissertation. At my school, a student has two attempts to pass their qualifying exams.
The people who sit with the student and "chat" with them about their papers are the student's qualifying exam committee. In my program, a student needs four or five professors on their committee. These professors should be experts either in the student's field or on an aspect of student's paper topics. Generally, we talk about "content experts," or people who know a lot about your research interest and "theory experts," people who know a lot about your theoretical perspective. Often people who are experts in one small aspect of your research topic, your analysis technique or measurement instruments are included on your committee.
Some students present their dissertation proposal at their qualifying exam as well. This speeds things up because that proposal also has to be approved and discussed. It has to be reviewed after a student has passed their qualifying exam and before they start working on their dissertation. Turning it into another, separate step means that the student has to coordinate five professors' schedules again for a meeting - no small feat! However, the proposal has to be approved by a student's dissertation committee who might be the same group as a student's qualifying exam.
The last few months, I've been writing my three qualifying exam papers, which I've discussed in previous posts. They've all been drafted now (yay!), but I'm not ready for my exam yet. The papers need edits and I need to prepare for the exam itself - reviewing relevant article and theoretical concepts. Some committee members will give you ideas about what they might ask about, some let the direction of the conversation guide their questions, some treat it more like a discussion. I don't really know what to expect...
The second major change is that my advisor is moving on to another university to pursue other opportunities. Which is wonderful for her, but means that I have to begin a new relationship with a new advisor. I've talked about the advisor relationship in the past, and I think that I've mentioned that it can be a bit tricky. I have a new advisor, but it is difficult to be in the "getting to know you phase" this late in the process - we're trying to get comfortable with each other quickly! Interestingly, my new advisor isn't a specialist in my area, instead we have more general interests in social determinants of health and we're both interested in quantitative research. I'll keep you guys updated.
I'm presenting at a conference tomorrow, so I'm off to bed.
For my friends on the east coast: Stay Safe! I hope that it isn't as bad as predicted!
I expect that most people have heard of the term "PhD candidate." And one might expect that anyone accepted and enrolled in a PhD program is a PhD candidate. However, that isn't correct. Before a student has taken and passed her (or his) qualifying exams, they are actually called a predoctoral student or just a doctoral student. After the qualifying exam, if a student passes, they are considered to have "advanced to candidacy."
Every scientific discipline has a different format for their exams. Some disciplines test their examinees with multiple choice and essay tests, some require papers, some have an oral defense, and some require a combination of all of these. In my school, for a nursing PhD qualifying exam, we submit three papers and have a two to three hour in-person oral defense (that the professors like to call a "chat.") The papers usually end up being early forms of a student's dissertation. At my school, a student has two attempts to pass their qualifying exams.
The people who sit with the student and "chat" with them about their papers are the student's qualifying exam committee. In my program, a student needs four or five professors on their committee. These professors should be experts either in the student's field or on an aspect of student's paper topics. Generally, we talk about "content experts," or people who know a lot about your research interest and "theory experts," people who know a lot about your theoretical perspective. Often people who are experts in one small aspect of your research topic, your analysis technique or measurement instruments are included on your committee.
Some students present their dissertation proposal at their qualifying exam as well. This speeds things up because that proposal also has to be approved and discussed. It has to be reviewed after a student has passed their qualifying exam and before they start working on their dissertation. Turning it into another, separate step means that the student has to coordinate five professors' schedules again for a meeting - no small feat! However, the proposal has to be approved by a student's dissertation committee who might be the same group as a student's qualifying exam.
The last few months, I've been writing my three qualifying exam papers, which I've discussed in previous posts. They've all been drafted now (yay!), but I'm not ready for my exam yet. The papers need edits and I need to prepare for the exam itself - reviewing relevant article and theoretical concepts. Some committee members will give you ideas about what they might ask about, some let the direction of the conversation guide their questions, some treat it more like a discussion. I don't really know what to expect...
The second major change is that my advisor is moving on to another university to pursue other opportunities. Which is wonderful for her, but means that I have to begin a new relationship with a new advisor. I've talked about the advisor relationship in the past, and I think that I've mentioned that it can be a bit tricky. I have a new advisor, but it is difficult to be in the "getting to know you phase" this late in the process - we're trying to get comfortable with each other quickly! Interestingly, my new advisor isn't a specialist in my area, instead we have more general interests in social determinants of health and we're both interested in quantitative research. I'll keep you guys updated.
I'm presenting at a conference tomorrow, so I'm off to bed.
For my friends on the east coast: Stay Safe! I hope that it isn't as bad as predicted!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Autumn is my favorite season
The first quarter of my third year has already started! I can't believe that I have been doing this for two full years and am voluntarily going on to a third (...mostly kidding...mostly...)!
The first thing that I want to say is that I hope that everyone who has read this blog and is starting their program this quarter or semester is excited and ready to have an amazing experience! It will be an amazing experience - I promise. Good luck!!
When I last left off, I was starting the summer off with an attempt to get my qualifying exams written. I wanted to let you guys know that I have completed one. And yes, one is two short of what my goal was, but I am still pretty excited to have done that one! I've started my second paper and I am diligently working on it now. In addition to writing the exams this quarter (and hopefully passing the oral exams), I'm also attempting to revise and re-submit for a training grant. And, now that my funding has decreased (I managed to secure fees coverage), I am also working half-time between two jobs - one is a research position and one is a clinical position. I feel *busy!*
I've always argued that working during this program is difficult, and now I am certain of it. But, working does give some structure to my days, and it helps me feel a little more rounded as a person (and a nurse!), so I'm glad to be working at both jobs.
I also want to put in my usual plug in for taking vacations during the PhD program. I was pretty burned out by the start of this summer and I tried to work straight through it. I was not particularly successful. Mental exhaustion is as stymieing as physical exhaustion and I was pretty stuck this summer. And then we took a long vacation (more than two weeks) in Canada. It was wonderful and when I came back I felt so much better! More importantly, I felt much more able to work. Rest, both mental and physical, is important. Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint!
I'll leave you guys with a picture from Canada:
I hope to be posting more frequently on the blog this quarter, but I know I've written that before. Please feel free to post questions/comments, they motivate me to post!
The first thing that I want to say is that I hope that everyone who has read this blog and is starting their program this quarter or semester is excited and ready to have an amazing experience! It will be an amazing experience - I promise. Good luck!!
When I last left off, I was starting the summer off with an attempt to get my qualifying exams written. I wanted to let you guys know that I have completed one. And yes, one is two short of what my goal was, but I am still pretty excited to have done that one! I've started my second paper and I am diligently working on it now. In addition to writing the exams this quarter (and hopefully passing the oral exams), I'm also attempting to revise and re-submit for a training grant. And, now that my funding has decreased (I managed to secure fees coverage), I am also working half-time between two jobs - one is a research position and one is a clinical position. I feel *busy!*
I've always argued that working during this program is difficult, and now I am certain of it. But, working does give some structure to my days, and it helps me feel a little more rounded as a person (and a nurse!), so I'm glad to be working at both jobs.
I also want to put in my usual plug in for taking vacations during the PhD program. I was pretty burned out by the start of this summer and I tried to work straight through it. I was not particularly successful. Mental exhaustion is as stymieing as physical exhaustion and I was pretty stuck this summer. And then we took a long vacation (more than two weeks) in Canada. It was wonderful and when I came back I felt so much better! More importantly, I felt much more able to work. Rest, both mental and physical, is important. Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint!
I'll leave you guys with a picture from Canada:
I hope to be posting more frequently on the blog this quarter, but I know I've written that before. Please feel free to post questions/comments, they motivate me to post!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Isn't the end always a beginning?
Hello Readers!
I am back. I think that I needed a little break for the last quarter or so. I was feeling a bit over-burdened with everything. But, as this quarter winds down I've been feeling a need to update you all and spend some time writing about where I am in the process.
I'm completing my second year of the PhD program at the end of this quarter. The American PhD system is (at least at my school) structured differently than it is in other countries. At my university, we spend the first two years taking courses (from what I understand, and please correct me if I'm wrong, most schools overseas don't have as much, if any, structured coursework). While none of the course are required, the majority of them are recommended. Upon completion of these courses, the student starts to write their qualifying exam papers. Once these are complete and have been reviewed by the student's qualifying exam committee, the student takes the exam (which is an oral exam administered by the committee). A student is allowed two attempts to pass the exam, and if she passes, she is now a PhD candidate. This is called "advancing to candidacy."
The qualifying exam papers are on three topics: a literature review, theory, and measurement (at least for quantitative researchers). The theory and measurement papers should (but, they don't have to!) establish the theoretical grounding and means of measurement for one's dissertation research. They are also the first chapters of one's dissertation.
The committee (once again, this might be university specific) is made up of four (or more) experts in various topics, aspects, statistical methods, etc., that relate to one's dissertation research. I am very happy to say that I have chosen my committee members and they have all agreed to be on my committee! Now, there is a bunch of paperwork to start on to get that all formalized and then I start writing. This summer will be dedicated to writing my papers. I hope to defend (take the exam) in mid-fall. I'm both VERY excited and VERY nervous. I am also very lucky as two of my classmates are on the same timeline as I am, so we can support each other.
So, now that I've outlined what's coming in the program, let me rewind and talk a bit about the focus of my last two quarters: funding. I applied for seven different funding opportunities over the last two quarters. My current funding ends at the end of this quarter, and I haven't had a job (a restriction of my current fellowship) in almost two years. The seven funding opportunities included fellowships, federal research grants, and university scholarships. I have heard back from two: one I have been awarded (it will specifically help with tuition, which takes a huge weight off my shoulders) and one I was denied (it's okay - I'll apply again next year). I'm still waiting to hear the results for the other five.
I've also started looking for work. The next few years of the process will be less structured by classes, which will leave more time for work. BUT! People get this far in a PhD and then stop, or get distracted, and never go back. There is actually a well-known term for it, "ABD" or " all but the dissertation." This is probably partly related to the sudden loss of structure. So, my goal is to not be working full-time, but only enough to stay afloat. I will need lots of time to continue to make progress on my own work.
That's where I am now. I'm going to try to update a bit more frequently, especially as I make progress in the qualifying process.
Have a great day!
I am back. I think that I needed a little break for the last quarter or so. I was feeling a bit over-burdened with everything. But, as this quarter winds down I've been feeling a need to update you all and spend some time writing about where I am in the process.
I'm completing my second year of the PhD program at the end of this quarter. The American PhD system is (at least at my school) structured differently than it is in other countries. At my university, we spend the first two years taking courses (from what I understand, and please correct me if I'm wrong, most schools overseas don't have as much, if any, structured coursework). While none of the course are required, the majority of them are recommended. Upon completion of these courses, the student starts to write their qualifying exam papers. Once these are complete and have been reviewed by the student's qualifying exam committee, the student takes the exam (which is an oral exam administered by the committee). A student is allowed two attempts to pass the exam, and if she passes, she is now a PhD candidate. This is called "advancing to candidacy."
The qualifying exam papers are on three topics: a literature review, theory, and measurement (at least for quantitative researchers). The theory and measurement papers should (but, they don't have to!) establish the theoretical grounding and means of measurement for one's dissertation research. They are also the first chapters of one's dissertation.
The committee (once again, this might be university specific) is made up of four (or more) experts in various topics, aspects, statistical methods, etc., that relate to one's dissertation research. I am very happy to say that I have chosen my committee members and they have all agreed to be on my committee! Now, there is a bunch of paperwork to start on to get that all formalized and then I start writing. This summer will be dedicated to writing my papers. I hope to defend (take the exam) in mid-fall. I'm both VERY excited and VERY nervous. I am also very lucky as two of my classmates are on the same timeline as I am, so we can support each other.
So, now that I've outlined what's coming in the program, let me rewind and talk a bit about the focus of my last two quarters: funding. I applied for seven different funding opportunities over the last two quarters. My current funding ends at the end of this quarter, and I haven't had a job (a restriction of my current fellowship) in almost two years. The seven funding opportunities included fellowships, federal research grants, and university scholarships. I have heard back from two: one I have been awarded (it will specifically help with tuition, which takes a huge weight off my shoulders) and one I was denied (it's okay - I'll apply again next year). I'm still waiting to hear the results for the other five.
I've also started looking for work. The next few years of the process will be less structured by classes, which will leave more time for work. BUT! People get this far in a PhD and then stop, or get distracted, and never go back. There is actually a well-known term for it, "ABD" or " all but the dissertation." This is probably partly related to the sudden loss of structure. So, my goal is to not be working full-time, but only enough to stay afloat. I will need lots of time to continue to make progress on my own work.
That's where I am now. I'm going to try to update a bit more frequently, especially as I make progress in the qualifying process.
Have a great day!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Happy National Nurses Week!!
I have avoided posting a new entry to this blog because I have not been in a very happy PhD student place. But, first, let me back up a bit so that this makes sense.
About a year ago, a professor I respect deeply asked me if I was feeling like I'd made the worst mistake of my life in pursuing a PhD. I was surprised. A year ago, I was feeling pretty good. I couldn't understand why she would ask such a question. And then the winter quarter of second year started and it became painfully clear that the only problem with her question had been that she was asking it a year too early.
Perhaps it was the sociology theory course. Or maybe it is the very idea of qualifying exams. Or maybe it was the realization that I had not worked for pay as a nurse in 18 months, and that my new actual title ( in my thirties!!!) was "student." I was supposed to be an "expert" (Who me? Why are you looking at me?!), and I hadn't had a full patient load in a year and a half.
It could have been any one of those things, but whatever it was, it resulted in an existential crisis that can only be described using a recent, pop-culture word: EPIC.
The PhD program is one that forces this painful reflective process, which I am defining as a crisis. First, the PhD program take away belief, (which I was okay with, not having "believed" anything in years). Then it takes away "truth," (which I was maybe a little less than thrilled to let go of, but, hey, I'm the flexible sort). Then it takes away "science," (which FREAKED ME OUT) and what they give you in return is postmodernism or post-structuralism, if you prefer, and if you're really feeling progressive, a little post-post-modernism on the side. Finally, they tell you to make a unique contribution to nursing science (whatever that means!) without belief, truth, or the belief in science as truth.
It's a bit of a shock, really.
And, to add insult to injury, splash the wound with lemon, salt the land that has already been burned (I'm running out of metaphors...), they also ask you to find your own funding. Welcome to academia! Or, if you prefer: this is a game of probability (not chance, there are far too many identified independent variables for that!) and you're betting on yourself. I think that what I didn't realize is that this is a bet that requires you go "all in."
So. How're ya' feeling'? Umm...yeah.
Here I am. The second year is almost done and I'm ready to start writing my qualifying exams. If I can just convince four experts that I know what I'm talking about.... The strange thing is that on the other side of this brief but devastating period of time, I feel ready to write about my phenomenon of interest. I feel ready... I'm just not quite sure *how* I'm supposed to do any of this.
Florence Nightingale once said, "I think one's feelings waste themselves in words; they ought all to be distilled into actions which bring results."
It's time to distill my feelings into actions and it is time to bring some results. It's time to write qualifying exams.
Wish me luck.
About a year ago, a professor I respect deeply asked me if I was feeling like I'd made the worst mistake of my life in pursuing a PhD. I was surprised. A year ago, I was feeling pretty good. I couldn't understand why she would ask such a question. And then the winter quarter of second year started and it became painfully clear that the only problem with her question had been that she was asking it a year too early.
Perhaps it was the sociology theory course. Or maybe it is the very idea of qualifying exams. Or maybe it was the realization that I had not worked for pay as a nurse in 18 months, and that my new actual title ( in my thirties!!!) was "student." I was supposed to be an "expert" (Who me? Why are you looking at me?!), and I hadn't had a full patient load in a year and a half.
It could have been any one of those things, but whatever it was, it resulted in an existential crisis that can only be described using a recent, pop-culture word: EPIC.
The PhD program is one that forces this painful reflective process, which I am defining as a crisis. First, the PhD program take away belief, (which I was okay with, not having "believed" anything in years). Then it takes away "truth," (which I was maybe a little less than thrilled to let go of, but, hey, I'm the flexible sort). Then it takes away "science," (which FREAKED ME OUT) and what they give you in return is postmodernism or post-structuralism, if you prefer, and if you're really feeling progressive, a little post-post-modernism on the side. Finally, they tell you to make a unique contribution to nursing science (whatever that means!) without belief, truth, or the belief in science as truth.
It's a bit of a shock, really.
And, to add insult to injury, splash the wound with lemon, salt the land that has already been burned (I'm running out of metaphors...), they also ask you to find your own funding. Welcome to academia! Or, if you prefer: this is a game of probability (not chance, there are far too many identified independent variables for that!) and you're betting on yourself. I think that what I didn't realize is that this is a bet that requires you go "all in."
So. How're ya' feeling'? Umm...yeah.
Here I am. The second year is almost done and I'm ready to start writing my qualifying exams. If I can just convince four experts that I know what I'm talking about.... The strange thing is that on the other side of this brief but devastating period of time, I feel ready to write about my phenomenon of interest. I feel ready... I'm just not quite sure *how* I'm supposed to do any of this.
Florence Nightingale once said, "I think one's feelings waste themselves in words; they ought all to be distilled into actions which bring results."
It's time to distill my feelings into actions and it is time to bring some results. It's time to write qualifying exams.
Wish me luck.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
The Doldrums
I love the term "the Doldrums." It is the name ancient mariners used to describe an area of the ocean where the wind disappears and you just loll around going nowhere and getting seasick. It is so descriptive of where I am in this program!
I am still taking classes, but the feel of the program is subtly shifting. Our focus is being directed by our mentors towards less guided endeavors. Even the classes are less guided. The assignments are much less directed and there are fewer of them. We're expected to be writing for publication and looking for funding.
The perpetual pursuit of funding has started for me. From what I can tell, this is the start of the rest of my life. Obtaining funding is an essential part of the academic role. As I write a large grant and apply for scholarships from EVERYWHERE, I am solidifying my personal statement, career goals and learning how to describe the importance of my work in 250 words or less. It's harder than it sounds!
Because I've spent a lot of time this quarter working on funding applications, I'd like to write a bit about a very important question for nurses considering going back to school: "How will I pay for it?"
It's a good question.
First, you will learn to live on less. Even the few people in my cohort who have kept working have had to or wished that they could cut back on work, which means cutting back on their money. There may be people who work full-time through their PhD program, but I would argue that they do not have the experience that I'm having - their ability to publish, attend and present at important conferences, or participate in their mentor's research may be reduced. That's a problem because those are things that build your credibility as a nurse researcher.
Next, I'd like to reassure everyone that there is funding out there. The NIH has predoctoral grants, most programs have funding, there are private funding options, and of course loans. Ask your school to help guide you. They should have resources. If not, get on online and apply for the funding that is available to you. Look for loans, I'm not sure any of us will get out of this program without taking at least one or two loans. And finally, spend less. I immediately put my loans from my master's degree on deferment. I don't have a car, we live in a rental with a whole bedroom less than before, and I don't but things that aren't essential. Instead, I have Pinterest boards where I keep all the things that I want in sight, so someday, later, if I still want them, I can find them. It isn't easy, but we're doing okay. If there are people in PhD programs who read this blog and have other suggestions on how to find money and survive financially during the doctorate, I would love to hear them - they might help me too!
Have a great Thursday everyone!
I am still taking classes, but the feel of the program is subtly shifting. Our focus is being directed by our mentors towards less guided endeavors. Even the classes are less guided. The assignments are much less directed and there are fewer of them. We're expected to be writing for publication and looking for funding.
The perpetual pursuit of funding has started for me. From what I can tell, this is the start of the rest of my life. Obtaining funding is an essential part of the academic role. As I write a large grant and apply for scholarships from EVERYWHERE, I am solidifying my personal statement, career goals and learning how to describe the importance of my work in 250 words or less. It's harder than it sounds!
Because I've spent a lot of time this quarter working on funding applications, I'd like to write a bit about a very important question for nurses considering going back to school: "How will I pay for it?"
It's a good question.
First, you will learn to live on less. Even the few people in my cohort who have kept working have had to or wished that they could cut back on work, which means cutting back on their money. There may be people who work full-time through their PhD program, but I would argue that they do not have the experience that I'm having - their ability to publish, attend and present at important conferences, or participate in their mentor's research may be reduced. That's a problem because those are things that build your credibility as a nurse researcher.
Next, I'd like to reassure everyone that there is funding out there. The NIH has predoctoral grants, most programs have funding, there are private funding options, and of course loans. Ask your school to help guide you. They should have resources. If not, get on online and apply for the funding that is available to you. Look for loans, I'm not sure any of us will get out of this program without taking at least one or two loans. And finally, spend less. I immediately put my loans from my master's degree on deferment. I don't have a car, we live in a rental with a whole bedroom less than before, and I don't but things that aren't essential. Instead, I have Pinterest boards where I keep all the things that I want in sight, so someday, later, if I still want them, I can find them. It isn't easy, but we're doing okay. If there are people in PhD programs who read this blog and have other suggestions on how to find money and survive financially during the doctorate, I would love to hear them - they might help me too!
Have a great Thursday everyone!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Compartmentalization
I now compartmentalize. I realized it last week on the train and it took me by surprise. My husband has always been able to compartmentalize and I have never understood it. In fact, I used to find it incredibly annoying. How could anyone just shut one whole aspect of their life down in a moment? I couldn't understand how a person could live without all their messiness from one situation bleeding onto all their messiness of another.
Then, standing on the train, I realized that I had simply stopped worrying about my research residency (even though a project that I'm working on gave me fits all day while I was there and I certainly hadn't really fixed it by the time I left), that I was only focused on reading this one chapter of my stats text during my commute, and that when I stepped off the train I would no longer focus on the stats text and would instead focus on dinner. It was as if one concern simply vanished in the presence of another. NOTHING was moving into the mental space of anything else. It was shocking. And also a little like being reborn. I suddenly felt able to cope with the chaos that the PhD program forces upon a person.
So, I get it. It is a coping mechanism and perhaps even a survival mechanism: if one can't compartmentalize in a PhD program then one's brain surely explodes. Or, at least, that is my explanation for this newly acquired, and still slightly freakish, skill.
I am changing as a person, and that change is slow and incremental, but I notice it in sudden moments of insight that feel like discoveries.
Then, standing on the train, I realized that I had simply stopped worrying about my research residency (even though a project that I'm working on gave me fits all day while I was there and I certainly hadn't really fixed it by the time I left), that I was only focused on reading this one chapter of my stats text during my commute, and that when I stepped off the train I would no longer focus on the stats text and would instead focus on dinner. It was as if one concern simply vanished in the presence of another. NOTHING was moving into the mental space of anything else. It was shocking. And also a little like being reborn. I suddenly felt able to cope with the chaos that the PhD program forces upon a person.
So, I get it. It is a coping mechanism and perhaps even a survival mechanism: if one can't compartmentalize in a PhD program then one's brain surely explodes. Or, at least, that is my explanation for this newly acquired, and still slightly freakish, skill.
I am changing as a person, and that change is slow and incremental, but I notice it in sudden moments of insight that feel like discoveries.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
The Heat is On
The holidays have officially passed. This break was a particularly strange one for me and not very restful. For some reason, it seems to have gone by too quickly and the things that I needed to accomplish during it have not all been finished. This isn't that surprising to me, but I do feel like I never really got to turn off my anxiety from the previous quarter. Since the start of this second year of the program, I have had this constant, low-level sense of anxiety that goes everywhere with me.
After I finished my master's degree, it took me almost a year to completely lose that non-stop, niggling sense of stress. I attributed it to the incredible pressure that I was under to complete a dual certification and work full-time to pay for it. Also, with school, unlike a regular nursing job, you bring so much of the work home with you. My primary study space is my living room. If I stop to read a non-assigned book or watch TV, my giant piles of work stare at me from my desk like enormous lurking guilt-creatures. Every minute that I spend not studying is a minute that I have lost.
At the end of last quarter (AKA the quarter where I took WAY too many classes), I had planned to start working very seriously on my new quest for funding. But, I just couldn't get started. So, here I am, with only a few days until the next quarter starts finally beginning the writing that I should have started three weeks ago. I honestly have no idea how this happened. Nonetheless, this quarter is the quarter where I will be doing the bulk of the applications and proposals for funding for next year. This will be in addition to my other classes. Today, I need to write part of a proposal, continue readings for the first week of classes next week, and build my spreadsheet of funding sources. It really isn't feeling like a break anymore.....
The new quarter starts in a few days!
After I finished my master's degree, it took me almost a year to completely lose that non-stop, niggling sense of stress. I attributed it to the incredible pressure that I was under to complete a dual certification and work full-time to pay for it. Also, with school, unlike a regular nursing job, you bring so much of the work home with you. My primary study space is my living room. If I stop to read a non-assigned book or watch TV, my giant piles of work stare at me from my desk like enormous lurking guilt-creatures. Every minute that I spend not studying is a minute that I have lost.
At the end of last quarter (AKA the quarter where I took WAY too many classes), I had planned to start working very seriously on my new quest for funding. But, I just couldn't get started. So, here I am, with only a few days until the next quarter starts finally beginning the writing that I should have started three weeks ago. I honestly have no idea how this happened. Nonetheless, this quarter is the quarter where I will be doing the bulk of the applications and proposals for funding for next year. This will be in addition to my other classes. Today, I need to write part of a proposal, continue readings for the first week of classes next week, and build my spreadsheet of funding sources. It really isn't feeling like a break anymore.....
The new quarter starts in a few days!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
A List of Fun
I am getting really close to being done with this quarter. I can almost taste it. Since I am getting so close, I want to write a brief summary of what I learned this quarter and then I want to make a list of the (mostly) non-school stuff that I am going to do over this break.
The most important thing that I learned this quarter is that I have a limit to how much I can focus on at one time. I took four classes and I had a research residency. It was too much. I was able to meet all of the minimum requirements for the classes and I don't think that I will do poorly in any of them, but being overburdened certainly prevented me from getting everything that I could have from any of the classes. I was just trying to meet the basic requirements and learn the things that I would need - essentially, I wasn't being the same student that I have been in other quarters. As I was working on my final presentations and papers, I noticed that due to time constraints, I wasn't putting out work that was my best work. I don't like that feeling, and I have definitely learned that the downside of trying to do everything at one time is that you don't do any of those things very well.
The second thing that I've realized is that it takes me a significant amount of time to "come down" after the end of each quarter. I have this jittery feeling. That could be because I still have things to do before the quarter is truly over for me, but I remember this feeling hanging on through previous breaks. In previous posts, I have presented the idea that part of the PhD process is being "socialized." Part of this feeling is, I think, related to my increasing socialization. I always feel like there is something else that I should be doing. This is not a feeling that I like and it is a part of this process that I am actively trying to not internalize. I like to relax, and I don't want to spend the rest of my career being unable to leave my work at work - at least most of the time.
Now, for the fun stuff! Here is a list of things that I am going to start doing as soon as I turn in the last required paper, final or project for this quarter:
1. Work on only one thing related to school - funding opportunities
2. Yoga
3. Jog again
4. Decorate for the holidays
5. Bake cookies!
6. Read the third book in the Millenium Series
7. Shop for holiday gifts
8. Finish knitting the project that I started last winter break
9. TAKE THE WEEKENDS OFF! (Or at least I will try...)
Once I do a little decorating, I'll post a picture or two. :)
The most important thing that I learned this quarter is that I have a limit to how much I can focus on at one time. I took four classes and I had a research residency. It was too much. I was able to meet all of the minimum requirements for the classes and I don't think that I will do poorly in any of them, but being overburdened certainly prevented me from getting everything that I could have from any of the classes. I was just trying to meet the basic requirements and learn the things that I would need - essentially, I wasn't being the same student that I have been in other quarters. As I was working on my final presentations and papers, I noticed that due to time constraints, I wasn't putting out work that was my best work. I don't like that feeling, and I have definitely learned that the downside of trying to do everything at one time is that you don't do any of those things very well.
The second thing that I've realized is that it takes me a significant amount of time to "come down" after the end of each quarter. I have this jittery feeling. That could be because I still have things to do before the quarter is truly over for me, but I remember this feeling hanging on through previous breaks. In previous posts, I have presented the idea that part of the PhD process is being "socialized." Part of this feeling is, I think, related to my increasing socialization. I always feel like there is something else that I should be doing. This is not a feeling that I like and it is a part of this process that I am actively trying to not internalize. I like to relax, and I don't want to spend the rest of my career being unable to leave my work at work - at least most of the time.
Now, for the fun stuff! Here is a list of things that I am going to start doing as soon as I turn in the last required paper, final or project for this quarter:
1. Work on only one thing related to school - funding opportunities
2. Yoga
3. Jog again
4. Decorate for the holidays
5. Bake cookies!
6. Read the third book in the Millenium Series
7. Shop for holiday gifts
8. Finish knitting the project that I started last winter break
9. TAKE THE WEEKENDS OFF! (Or at least I will try...)
Once I do a little decorating, I'll post a picture or two. :)
Sunday, November 27, 2011
The end is in sight!
Tomorrow is the first day of week 10. The quarter is almost over, but like the most difficult quarters it is heavily backloaded. In fact, my last assignment is due on December 6th, which leaves 11 days (including today) to finish everything. I am counting down on my facebook page.
In reality, the end of the quarter does not mean that I will be able to just stop doing stuff related to school. I will still be going in to my research residency, which I am continuing through next quarter. Additionally, I will be focusing *HARD* on preparing applications for funding opportunities over the break. But, I will be able to actually focus more on those without feeling the constant worry that I am neglecting my classes. Also, next quarter I won't be taking as many classes as I did this quarter. In fact, I hope that I will never take as heavy a load as this quarter again.
I am staying motivated by having a list of things that I need to complete to end the quarter and then crossing off things as I finish them. Here's the list:
1.Edit Final Policy Paper
2.Turn in Final Policy Paper
3.Draft Final Theory Paper
4.Edit Final Theory Paper
5.Turn in Final Theory Paper
6.Final Review of Policy Presentation
7.Present Policy Presentation
8.Readings for Stats.
9.Prepare Stats Final Project Presentation
10.Present Stats Final Project
11.Prepare Stats Final Project Write-Up
12.Turn in Stats Final Project Write-Up
13.Theory Readings I missed last week
14.Qual. Readings
15.Edit Qual. Paper
16.Turn In Qual. Paper
17.Complete Statistics Final Exam
18.Review Completed Statistics Final
19.Turn in the Statistics Final Exam
Because it makes me feel less stressed, I will come back here and line out the things that I complete....
I *love* lists. They make it all seem achievable!
Also, what's getting me through these last 11 days is the knowledge that as soon as this stuff is done and turned in, I am going to decorate for the holidays, start doing yoga again, start jogging again and start taking weekends off again. Perhaps most importantly, I am going to start reading non-assigned things again!!!
For all my friends who are in nursing PhD programs: We're almost there! Good luck!
In reality, the end of the quarter does not mean that I will be able to just stop doing stuff related to school. I will still be going in to my research residency, which I am continuing through next quarter. Additionally, I will be focusing *HARD* on preparing applications for funding opportunities over the break. But, I will be able to actually focus more on those without feeling the constant worry that I am neglecting my classes. Also, next quarter I won't be taking as many classes as I did this quarter. In fact, I hope that I will never take as heavy a load as this quarter again.
I am staying motivated by having a list of things that I need to complete to end the quarter and then crossing off things as I finish them. Here's the list:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
Because it makes me feel less stressed, I will come back here and line out the things that I complete....
I *love* lists. They make it all seem achievable!
Also, what's getting me through these last 11 days is the knowledge that as soon as this stuff is done and turned in, I am going to decorate for the holidays, start doing yoga again, start jogging again and start taking weekends off again. Perhaps most importantly, I am going to start reading non-assigned things again!!!
For all my friends who are in nursing PhD programs: We're almost there! Good luck!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Week 7 - Almost Done or Almost Out of Time
Yesterday, I was reminded of two of my parents' sayings.
My dad used to say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
My mom would say, "Try to see what this experience is teaching you."
I hate both of those sayings. It is even more annoying that they are both true and useful.
In my fourth and often, most difficult, class I have had to struggle with trying to determine what I was learning. And even more importantly, how the class was benefiting me and my developing research skills. But, yesterday that all became a lot more clear. So, while I would still recommend that PhD students attempt to take classes that are useful to their education and future research, I would also remind us (me included) that usefulness can be defined in many, many ways. AND, I would refer us all back to my mother's saying above. There is almost always something that can be learned!
So, week seven. I think that these last few weeks are always the hardest. Papers and projects are looming, but classes are still continuing at full pace. This year, two of my classes require the final papers in the 10th week of the quarter instead of the 11th, which is the typical "finals week." In addition, we have projects coming up at my research residency. I'm feeling a little pinched for time.
However, this year I don't feel overwhelmed. My favorite holidays are approaching, I'm in a much better place in this program - I have a research question and a plan, and I've been feeling pretty accomplished lately. For everybody in the first year, I would like to tell you that the second year isn't easier, but it is better!
My dad used to say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
My mom would say, "Try to see what this experience is teaching you."
I hate both of those sayings. It is even more annoying that they are both true and useful.
In my fourth and often, most difficult, class I have had to struggle with trying to determine what I was learning. And even more importantly, how the class was benefiting me and my developing research skills. But, yesterday that all became a lot more clear. So, while I would still recommend that PhD students attempt to take classes that are useful to their education and future research, I would also remind us (me included) that usefulness can be defined in many, many ways. AND, I would refer us all back to my mother's saying above. There is almost always something that can be learned!
So, week seven. I think that these last few weeks are always the hardest. Papers and projects are looming, but classes are still continuing at full pace. This year, two of my classes require the final papers in the 10th week of the quarter instead of the 11th, which is the typical "finals week." In addition, we have projects coming up at my research residency. I'm feeling a little pinched for time.
However, this year I don't feel overwhelmed. My favorite holidays are approaching, I'm in a much better place in this program - I have a research question and a plan, and I've been feeling pretty accomplished lately. For everybody in the first year, I would like to tell you that the second year isn't easier, but it is better!
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| Boris likes to help me write papers... |
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
A How To Guide for the PhD Student Who Has Chosen Option B...
At the start of this quarter I was presented with a choice. I could do the best thing for my sanity and limit my course load to three or I could do the politically appropriate thing and take an additional course that needed more people to continue. I chose option B.
I would like to say that I did this because I understood the inherent political ramifications of refusing to take a course offered the department of which I am a member, or I could tell the truth and say that I did it because a friend asked me to. I guess the previous sentence gave away my actual motivation - the political benefit was only pointed out to me later by my mentor.
The end result of choice B is that I signed up for a fourth class. This is not a bad thing in and of itself, and I went into it with the view that it was a course I had expected to take and that it would be useful for me so it would probably be okay in the end. This was incorrect. No, let's phrase this a little better: My assumption was flat-out, no questions asked, unequivocally WRONG. And I would have dropped the class after my first attended day, but someone had already pointed out the political ramification issue and I felt stuck. Actually, beyond feeling stuck, I am, in reality, wedged like Winnie-the Pooh trying to get out a tiny window in a Milne story.
So, here is a how-to guide for when my readers someday get stuck in a class that they wish they hadn't taken:
1. Drop the class.
No really, if it is at all possible, drop the class. Now, I am not advocating dropping classes that are hard, or boring, or that have a lot of reading. I am only advocating dropping a class if it meets ALL of these three requirements: It is useless to you, and not required and taking up a ton of time and (this requirement is optional) possibly sucking the joy from your life.
2. If #1 is truly not possible, attempt to continue, using the following techniques:
Addendum: After discussion with my husband, he did point out that someone reading this might think that I disliked the class. I want to clarify. I really like the class. I just don't have room for things that aren't directly applicable at this point. This class offers the benefits of practicing critical thinking, critique, logical reasoning skills and some really important discussion. I just wish they were directly applicable to my work!
I would like to say that I did this because I understood the inherent political ramifications of refusing to take a course offered the department of which I am a member, or I could tell the truth and say that I did it because a friend asked me to. I guess the previous sentence gave away my actual motivation - the political benefit was only pointed out to me later by my mentor.
The end result of choice B is that I signed up for a fourth class. This is not a bad thing in and of itself, and I went into it with the view that it was a course I had expected to take and that it would be useful for me so it would probably be okay in the end. This was incorrect. No, let's phrase this a little better: My assumption was flat-out, no questions asked, unequivocally WRONG. And I would have dropped the class after my first attended day, but someone had already pointed out the political ramification issue and I felt stuck. Actually, beyond feeling stuck, I am, in reality, wedged like Winnie-the Pooh trying to get out a tiny window in a Milne story.
So, here is a how-to guide for when my readers someday get stuck in a class that they wish they hadn't taken:
1. Drop the class.
No really, if it is at all possible, drop the class. Now, I am not advocating dropping classes that are hard, or boring, or that have a lot of reading. I am only advocating dropping a class if it meets ALL of these three requirements: It is useless to you, and not required and taking up a ton of time and (this requirement is optional) possibly sucking the joy from your life.
2. If #1 is truly not possible, attempt to continue, using the following techniques:
- From day one (or as early as you realize the class is only pain) begin reading the required readings for the sole purpose of fulfilling the required assignments. Look for the answers! Usually, I read things in this program as a thinking, knowledge-gaining exercise. I read them critically and I think about them long after I've stopped reading them. Not in a class like this. I am looking for the way to write the paper and save time for other readings!
- Spend time actively trying to apply (even if you've decided that it isn't possible) something from the class to your area of interest. If nothing else this is a thinking exercise and will keep you moderately engaged.
- Ask for help. From the professor, the other students in your class, or someone who has taken it before.
- Move towards a place of acceptance and recognize that you may not get an A, ever use the material, or feel good about taking the time to take this course. Remember hopelessness does not help you finish the readings....
Addendum: After discussion with my husband, he did point out that someone reading this might think that I disliked the class. I want to clarify. I really like the class. I just don't have room for things that aren't directly applicable at this point. This class offers the benefits of practicing critical thinking, critique, logical reasoning skills and some really important discussion. I just wish they were directly applicable to my work!
Friday, October 28, 2011
The more things change...
Tomorrow I fly out to speak at a conference. I am really, really nervous. In my clinical career I rarely had a reason for public speaking and when I did it was usually with friends. Now, I am supposed to know something and present it to others. I feel both honored and inadequate. I keep wanting to call up the person who should be going, because I can not possibly be the appropriate person. But, then I remember that I've been studying one thing now for over a year, and I think, okay, I'm not an expert, but I have read a lot about this....
In other news, there are lots of exciting non-school related things happening as well. My best friend might be in labor (RIGHT NOW!!!!!) in my hometown and my sister is kicking butt in her first year of college. Both of these things are amazing in their own right, but they are also awesome reminders (and reassurances) of life outside of school. It may seem incomprehensible to me on most days, but there is a a whole world outside of this program! I keep reminding myself that I can take my time and learn everything I need to here because there will still be life when I finish school.
In specific school news, the quarter is officially half-way over. I am gearing up for first drafts of final papers. Before I can do that, though, I need one textbook on a particular theoretical perspective to arrive and I need to read it. Anymore, the assignments can not be completed with just the assigned readings. You know that whole list of "recommended" reading that are in the various syllabi we have all received in our lives? Yeah, well now, sometimes I read those. Sometimes, I read all of them. (The part that I don't really want to say out loud is that usually I enjoy reading them....)
I'm off to sleep, the super shuttle will be picking me up in the wee morning hours.
In other news, there are lots of exciting non-school related things happening as well. My best friend might be in labor (RIGHT NOW!!!!!) in my hometown and my sister is kicking butt in her first year of college. Both of these things are amazing in their own right, but they are also awesome reminders (and reassurances) of life outside of school. It may seem incomprehensible to me on most days, but there is a a whole world outside of this program! I keep reminding myself that I can take my time and learn everything I need to here because there will still be life when I finish school.
In specific school news, the quarter is officially half-way over. I am gearing up for first drafts of final papers. Before I can do that, though, I need one textbook on a particular theoretical perspective to arrive and I need to read it. Anymore, the assignments can not be completed with just the assigned readings. You know that whole list of "recommended" reading that are in the various syllabi we have all received in our lives? Yeah, well now, sometimes I read those. Sometimes, I read all of them. (The part that I don't really want to say out loud is that usually I enjoy reading them....)
I'm off to sleep, the super shuttle will be picking me up in the wee morning hours.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Week Three
I finally have all of my textbooks! And I am caught up in all of my classes except one! This is making me feel a lot more comfortable right now. I am still taking the heaviest course load that I've taken since I started the program, but now, I at least feel like I may be able to keep my head above water.
I think that this quarter, and year, is going to be very different. I have probably found my dissertation question and a dataset to use. This is the last year that I will have funding, and at the end of this school year, I will need to start writing my qualifying exams. This year is going to be big.
Thankfully, friends of mine brought this back for me from London:
One of the things that is going to be different is that I am going to need to start looking for funding sources. I have been keeping a list of possible grants since the middle of the last school year. I will need to start the applications in early December for many of them. Funding is really, really important for PhD students to obtain. It is not just important because it helps us do our work, but it demonstrates that we are competitive researchers and will help us get hired later as faculty. Universities expect their faculty to get grants and they hire people who have a demonstrated ability to do that.
Have a great Wednesday! I'm off to get my flu shot and then head in to class!
I think that this quarter, and year, is going to be very different. I have probably found my dissertation question and a dataset to use. This is the last year that I will have funding, and at the end of this school year, I will need to start writing my qualifying exams. This year is going to be big.
Thankfully, friends of mine brought this back for me from London:
 |
| I try to follow this advice... |
One of the things that is going to be different is that I am going to need to start looking for funding sources. I have been keeping a list of possible grants since the middle of the last school year. I will need to start the applications in early December for many of them. Funding is really, really important for PhD students to obtain. It is not just important because it helps us do our work, but it demonstrates that we are competitive researchers and will help us get hired later as faculty. Universities expect their faculty to get grants and they hire people who have a demonstrated ability to do that.
Have a great Wednesday! I'm off to get my flu shot and then head in to class!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Lillian Wald, Lavinia Lloyd Dock, Margaret Sanger and Flo!
I wanted to put a post out at the end of the first week of the first quarter of my second year, so here it is.
This quarter, I have found myself in an interesting position. I don't, at the end of the first week of a ten week quarter, actually know how many classes I am taking. Someday, when you are future faculty, please plan ahead. Do not rely on your administrative assistant, TA or RA to post your class or organize your rooms. Your students will appreciate your effort. Essentially, one of my classes was posted incorrectly, other classes planned around the incorrect one, and now there is a sort of scheduling hell occurring. I may or may not be joining a fourth class this quarter. I'll know sometime in the early part of next week.
In addition, my professors posted book lists pretty late - around four days before classes started. And the reading is not a joke. I am already behind in a serious amount of reading. I might have bitten the bullet and paid full price at the university bookstore, but it doesn't carry very many books. I know. It is ridiculous. In fact, it is so ridiculous that the university is shutting the bookstore down entirely and people are losing their jobs. I would cite mismanagement, a lack of planning, the economy or an incredible lack of retail know-how, but really I am in awe of such an incredible example of stupidity on the part of a huge institution that I can't marshal my thoughts beyond, "Um, I'm sorry, did you say you're closing the only campus bookstore? No, seriously, tell me another one."
So I find myself in this situation where my panic is increasing as I fall behind, but there isn't much I can do about it because all my materials are in transit and I'm not even entirely sure what I should be doing since I don't know my full course load.
PhD study! Thy name is flexibility and ambiguity!
One of my classes is a saving grace. I am taking a theory course that is exceptional. The readings are thought-provoking and the professor is an example of what nursing once was and needs to be again: women who were social revolutionaries. I am in love with this class. When I was in high school, I won the Margaret Sanger award for social service. I hadn't thought about that until I sat in the first lecture of this theory class and we read the quotes of the first nurses who, against a patriarchal establishment, spoke the truth even when it was against the law to protect their patients.
My research residency continues to be an amazing, intense experience. One that I both enjoy and constantly feel is an exercise in humility. In addition, I feel that the science I am able to observe and participate in is revolutionary. I am very lucky to be there.
So far, the second quarter seems to have two emerging themes: revolution and an effort to make sense of chaos.
This quarter, I have found myself in an interesting position. I don't, at the end of the first week of a ten week quarter, actually know how many classes I am taking. Someday, when you are future faculty, please plan ahead. Do not rely on your administrative assistant, TA or RA to post your class or organize your rooms. Your students will appreciate your effort. Essentially, one of my classes was posted incorrectly, other classes planned around the incorrect one, and now there is a sort of scheduling hell occurring. I may or may not be joining a fourth class this quarter. I'll know sometime in the early part of next week.
In addition, my professors posted book lists pretty late - around four days before classes started. And the reading is not a joke. I am already behind in a serious amount of reading. I might have bitten the bullet and paid full price at the university bookstore, but it doesn't carry very many books. I know. It is ridiculous. In fact, it is so ridiculous that the university is shutting the bookstore down entirely and people are losing their jobs. I would cite mismanagement, a lack of planning, the economy or an incredible lack of retail know-how, but really I am in awe of such an incredible example of stupidity on the part of a huge institution that I can't marshal my thoughts beyond, "Um, I'm sorry, did you say you're closing the only campus bookstore? No, seriously, tell me another one."
So I find myself in this situation where my panic is increasing as I fall behind, but there isn't much I can do about it because all my materials are in transit and I'm not even entirely sure what I should be doing since I don't know my full course load.
PhD study! Thy name is flexibility and ambiguity!
One of my classes is a saving grace. I am taking a theory course that is exceptional. The readings are thought-provoking and the professor is an example of what nursing once was and needs to be again: women who were social revolutionaries. I am in love with this class. When I was in high school, I won the Margaret Sanger award for social service. I hadn't thought about that until I sat in the first lecture of this theory class and we read the quotes of the first nurses who, against a patriarchal establishment, spoke the truth even when it was against the law to protect their patients.
My research residency continues to be an amazing, intense experience. One that I both enjoy and constantly feel is an exercise in humility. In addition, I feel that the science I am able to observe and participate in is revolutionary. I am very lucky to be there.
So far, the second quarter seems to have two emerging themes: revolution and an effort to make sense of chaos.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Adjusted. (My Attitude That Is...)
I'm back and I'm much less fussy. I apologize for my last post. I was feeling pretty foul.
The reality of the PhD process is that there are some bad days. In speaking with some close friends, who are also members of my cohort, we concluded that a lot of this process is....humiliating, for lack of a better word.
Before my last post, it was requested that I write up a proposal as a part of my attempt to gain access to one of the datasets that I am interested in using for my dissertation. I made my best attempt at doing that, and got some criticism in return. It happens and it is good for me. Usually, I take criticism well, especially if it is constructive and from someone with an expertise in that area, which this was. Additionally, it wasn't mean-spirited or nit-picky. I think what made it sting more than it should have was that the response wasn't just sent to me, but to a few other people as well. Having spent some time reflecting on this, and having had some further interaction with everybody, I really think that nothing negative was intended. And, they certainly haven't said that I can't have access, so....
It was also a good reminder that science isn't a private endeavor. We don't want it to be. Good science is performed in the open, so that it can be commented upon, improved upon and done well. (However, since I work in a topic area that can be contentious, I would like to clarify that it is our peers in the scientific community, not just anybody, who should be commenting on the science. Ethical considerations are, of course, open to all....)
On another note, I want to talk briefly about some common sense things I've learned over the last year regarding publications. First, if you work on it, try to get your name on it. I know that may seem pretty basic. And before this week, I would have laughed at the suggestion that I would be so foolish as to work on something and not be a named author. Alas, irony is cruel.
Remember my mother's saying (paraphrasing someone named Brandon Mull), "Smart people learn from their mistakes. Brilliant people learn from the mistakes of others." Be brilliant, learn from the people who have gone before.
Next, if you are getting funding from some entity, that funding must be mentioned in the publication. I was informed of this by the agency that funds me, and I have been careful to stress that my funding must be mentioned to the publishers of my (very few, but hopefully, soon to be greater in number) articles. I would not have known this, though, unless someone had told me.
Finally, use a citation software when you write articles. I am not going to name one because they all have flaws, and I'm not completely satisfied with any that I've tried. They are, however, really, really important if you write something and then need to change the citation style. Also, if you use it as you're writing, which is what I do, the program is able to organize your reference list and store your references for future papers. I tend to write things in APA format since that's what I used in both my undergraduate and master's program. However, I've had to submit papers in numbered notation and without the software, I would have had to go back and do that by hand. Which would have been really a bad experience. So, use something. For your own sanity.
School starts next week! I'm nervous and excited and completely amazed that I'm already starting the second year. To all readers who are starting programs this fall, I send you all of my hope that you will have as wonderful a first year as I did!!!
The reality of the PhD process is that there are some bad days. In speaking with some close friends, who are also members of my cohort, we concluded that a lot of this process is....humiliating, for lack of a better word.
Before my last post, it was requested that I write up a proposal as a part of my attempt to gain access to one of the datasets that I am interested in using for my dissertation. I made my best attempt at doing that, and got some criticism in return. It happens and it is good for me. Usually, I take criticism well, especially if it is constructive and from someone with an expertise in that area, which this was. Additionally, it wasn't mean-spirited or nit-picky. I think what made it sting more than it should have was that the response wasn't just sent to me, but to a few other people as well. Having spent some time reflecting on this, and having had some further interaction with everybody, I really think that nothing negative was intended. And, they certainly haven't said that I can't have access, so....
It was also a good reminder that science isn't a private endeavor. We don't want it to be. Good science is performed in the open, so that it can be commented upon, improved upon and done well. (However, since I work in a topic area that can be contentious, I would like to clarify that it is our peers in the scientific community, not just anybody, who should be commenting on the science. Ethical considerations are, of course, open to all....)
On another note, I want to talk briefly about some common sense things I've learned over the last year regarding publications. First, if you work on it, try to get your name on it. I know that may seem pretty basic. And before this week, I would have laughed at the suggestion that I would be so foolish as to work on something and not be a named author. Alas, irony is cruel.
Remember my mother's saying (paraphrasing someone named Brandon Mull), "Smart people learn from their mistakes. Brilliant people learn from the mistakes of others." Be brilliant, learn from the people who have gone before.
Next, if you are getting funding from some entity, that funding must be mentioned in the publication. I was informed of this by the agency that funds me, and I have been careful to stress that my funding must be mentioned to the publishers of my (very few, but hopefully, soon to be greater in number) articles. I would not have known this, though, unless someone had told me.
Finally, use a citation software when you write articles. I am not going to name one because they all have flaws, and I'm not completely satisfied with any that I've tried. They are, however, really, really important if you write something and then need to change the citation style. Also, if you use it as you're writing, which is what I do, the program is able to organize your reference list and store your references for future papers. I tend to write things in APA format since that's what I used in both my undergraduate and master's program. However, I've had to submit papers in numbered notation and without the software, I would have had to go back and do that by hand. Which would have been really a bad experience. So, use something. For your own sanity.
School starts next week! I'm nervous and excited and completely amazed that I'm already starting the second year. To all readers who are starting programs this fall, I send you all of my hope that you will have as wonderful a first year as I did!!!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Days Like This
Today I asked myself, "Self, what made you think that you should pursue a PhD?"
The answer?
Ego, parental issues, stupidity, a desperate need to establish my mental limits through the experience of humiliating failure, and quite possibly, insanity.
It has been one of those days.
Thanks for listening. I'll attempt to find my more positive self prior to my next post.
The answer?
Ego, parental issues, stupidity, a desperate need to establish my mental limits through the experience of humiliating failure, and quite possibly, insanity.
It has been one of those days.
Thanks for listening. I'll attempt to find my more positive self prior to my next post.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
The Extremes of Binary Experience
The experience of my research residency seems to exist as either utter confusion or joy. I haven't yet found a middle ground. Let me present some examples:
Utter Confusion
Scenario One
Residency Advisor/Mentor (RA/M): "I have a great project idea for you!"
Me: "Oh, that sounds exciting!"
RA/M: "I think that you should enter this data into SPSS and analyze the differences between the groups."
Me (in my head): My classes have only covered SPSS peripherally, I have only a limited idea of how to use the program. I can theoretically discuss descriptive statistics and regression techniques, but I haven't ever applied them beyond the carefully selected examples in last year's classes. Help!
Me: "That sounds really interesting, but I might need some help with the program, we've only used it a little in class."
RA/M: "I only use STATA. There is a book on how to use SPSS here." RA/M points to SPSS for Dummies.
Me: "..."
Scenario Two
(Searching for creamer to add to my desperately needed coffee in the breakroom.)
Me: "Come on, there has to be half and half in here somewhere!"
Other Office Person Who Happens to Wander In During My Desperate Search (OOPWHWDMDS): "There's creamer don't worry!" OOPWHWDMDS then hands me a container of liquid soy product.
Me: "Uh, I'm from Chicago....so I don't usually use soy... stuff... in my coffee."
OOPWHWDMDS: "Don't worry! You'll love it! And if you don't like this one, we have three other flavors that you might like better!"
Me: "..."
Scenario Three
RA/M: "I need you to do X."
Me: "That's a big topic. I think that I can do the background over the next week."
RA/M: "I need it tomorrow."
Me: "..."
Moments of Joy:
One: Sitting in meetings where I think, I can't believe that we are doing such amazing research and the whole world isn't throwing a party. I am so lucky to be involved with something so important!
Two: Finding half and half in the fridge.
Three: Working on something I find so interesting that I work an entire 8 hour workday and it feels like thirty minutes.
Four: When I finish something, and somebody says, "Hey, good job!"
So far, I think that this is a pretty normal research residency experience. It is much more joy than utter confusion. I'm learning (some of it by trial and error) and I'm meeting some of the best researchers in my topic area.
It is thrilling and overwhelming...sometimes all at once.
Utter Confusion
Scenario One
Residency Advisor/Mentor (RA/M): "I have a great project idea for you!"
Me: "Oh, that sounds exciting!"
RA/M: "I think that you should enter this data into SPSS and analyze the differences between the groups."
Me (in my head): My classes have only covered SPSS peripherally, I have only a limited idea of how to use the program. I can theoretically discuss descriptive statistics and regression techniques, but I haven't ever applied them beyond the carefully selected examples in last year's classes. Help!
Me: "That sounds really interesting, but I might need some help with the program, we've only used it a little in class."
RA/M: "I only use STATA. There is a book on how to use SPSS here." RA/M points to SPSS for Dummies.
Me: "..."
Scenario Two
(Searching for creamer to add to my desperately needed coffee in the breakroom.)
Me: "Come on, there has to be half and half in here somewhere!"
Other Office Person Who Happens to Wander In During My Desperate Search (OOPWHWDMDS): "There's creamer don't worry!" OOPWHWDMDS then hands me a container of liquid soy product.
Me: "Uh, I'm from Chicago....so I don't usually use soy... stuff... in my coffee."
OOPWHWDMDS: "Don't worry! You'll love it! And if you don't like this one, we have three other flavors that you might like better!"
Me: "..."
Scenario Three
RA/M: "I need you to do X."
Me: "That's a big topic. I think that I can do the background over the next week."
RA/M: "I need it tomorrow."
Me: "..."
Moments of Joy:
One: Sitting in meetings where I think, I can't believe that we are doing such amazing research and the whole world isn't throwing a party. I am so lucky to be involved with something so important!
Two: Finding half and half in the fridge.
Three: Working on something I find so interesting that I work an entire 8 hour workday and it feels like thirty minutes.
Four: When I finish something, and somebody says, "Hey, good job!"
So far, I think that this is a pretty normal research residency experience. It is much more joy than utter confusion. I'm learning (some of it by trial and error) and I'm meeting some of the best researchers in my topic area.
It is thrilling and overwhelming...sometimes all at once.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Progress!
I may be getting closer to a more specific question for my dissertation! Also, I may be getting closer to a data set! I don't want to say too much...(I am after all a nurse, and while I don't believe in jinxing myself, I also don't disbelieve in the possibility...)
Anyway, it may be Saturday, but there is work to be done. I have found that I do get more done when I leave the house and go to the library. One of the many reasons why is pictured below:
But, sadly, in the summer my school library is closed on Saturdays. Oddly enough, they are open on Sundays. Maybe they want to force the neurotic, overworked graduate students to do something besides school on Saturday? I'd like to think that it is something like that instead of just budget cuts.
I have lots to do and I'm off to start it!
Boris is determined to help.
I just wish he'd stop stepping on the caps lock key.
Anyway, it may be Saturday, but there is work to be done. I have found that I do get more done when I leave the house and go to the library. One of the many reasons why is pictured below:
 | ||
| Boris Sherlock, on my desk |
I have lots to do and I'm off to start it!
Boris is determined to help.
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