I think I can, I think I can

Each quarter seems to follow a similar cycle. At the start of the quarter I have clear goals, and while I know that they will be hard to accomplish, I am confident that *anything* is possible. A few weeks into the quarter, I am absolutely convinced that there is no way that this will all get done. I can't believe that I committed myself to this madness, and I know that this is all going to end in tears. Towards the end of the quarter (where I am today), I am shocked at how much I've gotten done. And I have no idea how I've done it.

As I write this today, I'm not actually through the quarter. My grant is due on Monday. My qualifying exam is next Wednesday. In a worst case scenario, I could fail my qualifying exam and have to do it again. I still have lots of preparation for the exam and while the grant is completely drafted, there are a few sections that aren't finalized. But, even with those terrible realities, I am (at least today) kind of amazed at what I have gotten done in the last ten weeks.

Over the last ten weeks, I draft, edited, and finalized three qualifying papers. In total they are over 140 pages of thought. Are these the papers that I started out planning to write? No. But, they taught me a lot and helped me organize my thinking about my topic. I think that they form a foundation for my continued thinking and research on my topic. These papers, in this form, will not likely actually appear in my dissertation. However, I think that these papers will form the skeleton of a chapter or two.

I have also edited and re-written my NIH grant for resubmission. This grant is a bit of a beast, and I basically started from scratch with it. Who knows if I'll even get scored? I'm hopeful, and I think that it is a better grant than the one I submitted previously, but this process is a bit like trying to hit a target that is placed after you shoot and is moving the whole time. Whether I'm funded or not, I think the process of writing this grant will help me write my proposal next quarter.

In addition to those larger accomplishments, I found a new advisor and started building a relationship with that person, ran a marathon, edited and submitted a paper for publication, co-authored another data-based publication with my research residency team, subbed in a class for my current advisor, presented at a national conference, and kept both of my jobs. I am proud of how much I've gotten done this quarter, but I don't want another quarter like this again for a while!

To keep myself going for the next eight days, I've been keeping a list in my head of the things that I want to do starting next Thursday. As this last week feels like a final push (and I am a bit tired), I thought that I would put this list on the blog!

1.  Read some of the (non-school related) books stacked up next to my bed! (I swear there are thirty books there...)
2. Holiday shop
3. Watch holiday movies
4. Bake cookies!
5. Clean my cabinets - seriously, things just fall out when I open them right now
6. Practice my guitar a lot
7. Skype with my sister
8. Jog every day
9. Take a rowing class
10. Go to the city museums
11. Spend at least two days wandering around my adopted city like a tourist

I am so looking forward to doing these things, I just have to push through next Wednesday! Wish me luck!!!

The end is in sight!

Tomorrow is the first day of week 10. The quarter is almost over, but like the most difficult quarters it is heavily backloaded. In fact, my last assignment is due on December 6th, which leaves 11 days (including today) to finish everything. I am counting down on my facebook page.

In reality, the end of the quarter does not mean that I will be able to just stop doing stuff related to school. I will still be going in to my research residency, which I am continuing through next quarter. Additionally, I will be focusing *HARD* on preparing applications for funding opportunities over the break. But, I will be able to actually focus more on those without feeling the constant worry that I am neglecting my classes. Also, next quarter I won't be taking as many classes as I did this quarter. In fact, I hope that I will never take as heavy a load as this quarter again.

I am staying motivated by having a list of things that I need to complete to end the quarter and then crossing off things as I finish them. Here's the list:
1. Edit Final Policy Paper
2. Turn in Final Policy Paper
3. Draft Final Theory Paper
4. Edit Final Theory Paper
5. Turn in Final Theory Paper
6. Final Review of Policy Presentation
7. Present Policy Presentation
8. Readings for Stats.
9. Prepare Stats Final Project Presentation
10. Present Stats Final Project
11. Prepare Stats Final Project Write-Up
12. Turn in Stats Final Project Write-Up
13. Theory Readings I missed last week
14. Qual. Readings
15. Edit Qual. Paper
16. Turn In Qual. Paper
17. Complete Statistics Final Exam
18. Review Completed Statistics Final
19. Turn in the Statistics Final Exam

Because it makes me feel less stressed, I will come back here and line out the things that I complete....
I *love* lists. They make it all seem achievable!

Also, what's getting me through these last 11 days is the knowledge that as soon as this stuff is done and turned in, I am going to decorate for the holidays, start doing yoga again, start jogging again and start taking weekends off again. Perhaps most importantly, I am going to start reading non-assigned things again!!!

For all my friends who are in nursing PhD programs: We're almost there! Good luck!

I'm back!

I arrived back in town yesterday and I already feel the need to jump back into work! The time off allowed me to clarify my goals for this summer in relation to the program. So here they are...

My goals for this summer:

1. Research residency
2. Find a data-set to use
3. Submit two papers for publication
4. Critical literature reviews on two possible dissertation topics
5. Finish my presentation preparation for the conference in October
6. Catch up on my nursing journal readings

I have a meeting this week on my research residency, and I'm in contact with someone regarding a possible data-set (after trying to contact three other people and getting no response...). Also, one of the papers to submit only needs edits.

I'll keep you updated!

I thought that I would close with a picture from my summer vacation...

Year-End Summary and Summer Intentions

I am at the end of my first year of doctoral work! It went by very, very quickly. I had planned on writing a summary full of important conclusions for you all, but I don't think that I've processed it that completely yet. Instead I have a list of tips for you, some thoughts, and a quick note about my summer postings.

Tips (In no particular order, except for number 1, which is the most important...):

• Get to know your cohort and create or find a group of friends from your cohort.
• Your family, close friends and spouse/partner want to help you. But this is an experience that is hard to fathom unless you are actively participating in it. You will need this group of friends!

• Read everything. 
• This is not the time to be skimping on the assigned readings.

• Draft your papers in advance. 
• Give yourself time to re-write them and edit them a few times before you turn them in. 

• Be committed.
• This is a process that could take all of your time. Everyday. You need to give it as much as you can without going nuts. A lot of this program is "guided," no one is spoon-feeding us anymore - your commitment is what will make the difference.

• Advisers are tricky, and every adviser/advisee relationship is unique. 
• Some of you will meet your adviser and know that you have made a friend for life. Some of you will not. My goal with my adviser is to make her laugh every time I see her; she looks like she needs it, and I keep thinking that humanity's common ground has to be humor, right?

• This is not a sprint. 
• You're a distance runner now. If you get out of the program fast, awesome, if you don't, well, you'll still make a "unique contribution to science" and make it out someday!

• Maintain your life. AKA: Be well-rounded. AKA: Get a hobby!
• Balance was hard for me, but it is so important. One of my cohorters is a competitive bike racer, another is in a community symphony. I am a runner and a traveler; I jog as often as I can and I'm always planning my next trip. Someone else I know in a program across the country writes fanfiction. Learn to knit. I don't care what it is, don't let it get lost! These are things that keep you sane.

• Be kind to yourself.
• I made mistakes, I did things wrong, and this program has been hard on me, my ego, and my heart at times. But, in the end, I'm a great nurse, and this is just me trying to fulfill my full potential. Nobody will live or die based on my PhD experience and I'm already pretty awesome. You are too - don't forget it.

I will be posting during the summer, but the posts will be sporadic. I've added some ways to follow the blog on e-mail, I hope those make it easier for people to know when I've posted something new. I'm hoping to do a research residency and I'm looking for data-sets for my dissertation. I think that those things might be useful to talk about a little as I do them. During the first part of the summer, though, I'll be traveling and my posts will probably be mostly pictures of those travels.

Finally, thanks to everyone who commented, discussed or just read this blog! I have loved your comments and input and I hope that you all keep reading!

Holiday Break Update!

Happy Winter Solstice!

We put up our tree over the last weekend. Every year I think that I'm going to decorate the tree with white lights. White lights are the way my mom and I always did our tree. But my husband's family only does colored lights. I am the victor in so many "discussions" in our marriage. There are some, though, that I lose every time....so here's our tree. I think that it looks awesome. I also think that it might make a good qualitative study to investigate how and why certain decisions get negotiated the way they do in marriages!

KitKit sitting in my desk chair. Since it would be cruel to move him, I read my novel on the couch instead of working.

I have a very large project that I am working on during the break. I try to work on it for a few hours every day in the morning. In the afternoon and evening, I act like I'm really on winter break. I'm making progress on my project, but I'm not where I wanted to be by now. As I've been thinking about the last quarter, and the things that increased my stress, I realized that this project looming over me really was a huge weight. Because it's still hanging around, I haven't felt as relaxed as I was hoping that I would during this break.

Throughout my life, I've heard some of the disparaging remarks about people who move from practice to academia. You know the ones I'm talking about. "Those who can do, do, those who can't teach." I've known enough nursing professors, and read enough nursing research to know that those sayings are all bunk. But, I didn't really believe that it would be harder to work in academia than to be a bedside or clinic nurse. It is harder. Much harder. This involves being auto-didactic, self-motivating and self-directing, able to remember that it is important to stop and go outside once in a while, able to take routine rejection, and also able to recognize when an idea just isn't ready for public presentation. It involves being competitive without alienating your colleagues. And it involves writing. So much writing. It is really, really hard to convey what I want through scholarly writing. All the profs say we'll get better, but right now all I've become is more critical of my own writing.

KitKit demonstrating his plans for the holiday break.

But, it is still winter break. So, while I'm still going to work, I'm not going to go nuts and waste an entire four weeks worrying myself into a state. Instead, I'm going to balance the work with resting and relaxing. Since next quarter we start statistics, I'm probably going to need it!

Holiday Happiness

I am a huuuuugggee holiday fan, so I would like to wish everyone (who is reading this blog, and from the states) a Happy Thanksgiving!!

If I weren't in school, I'd be putting up my Solstice tree this weekend too. But, I want to wait until I've turned in my final papers. I think that I'll be able to enjoy it more then. 

Happy start of the holiday season!