Autumn is my favorite season

The first quarter of my third year has already started! I can't believe that I have been doing this for two full years and am voluntarily going on to a third (...mostly kidding...mostly...)!

The first thing that I want to say is that I hope that everyone who has read this blog and is starting their program this quarter or semester is excited and ready to have an amazing experience! It will be an amazing experience - I promise. Good luck!!

When I last left off, I was starting the summer off with an attempt to get my qualifying exams written. I wanted to let you guys know that I have completed one. And yes, one is two short of what my goal was, but I am still pretty excited to have done that one! I've started my second paper and I am diligently working on it now. In addition to writing the exams this quarter (and hopefully passing the oral exams), I'm also attempting to revise and re-submit for a training grant. And, now that my funding has decreased (I managed to secure fees coverage), I am also working half-time between two jobs - one is a research position and one is a clinical position. I feel *busy!*

I've always argued that working during this program is difficult, and now I am certain of it. But, working does give some structure to my days, and it helps me feel a little more rounded as a person (and a nurse!), so I'm glad to be working at both jobs.

I also want to put in my usual plug in for taking vacations during the PhD program. I was pretty burned out by the start of this summer and I tried to work straight through it. I was not particularly successful. Mental exhaustion is as stymieing as physical exhaustion and I was pretty stuck this summer. And then we took a long vacation (more than two weeks) in Canada. It was wonderful and when I came back I felt so much better! More importantly, I felt much more able to work. Rest, both mental and physical, is important. Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint!

I'll leave you guys with a picture from Canada:

I hope to be posting more frequently on the blog this quarter, but I know I've written that before. Please feel free to post questions/comments, they motivate me to post!

The Heat is On

The holidays have officially passed. This break was a particularly strange one for me and not very restful. For some reason, it seems to have gone by too quickly and the things that I needed to accomplish during it have not all been finished. This isn't that surprising to me, but I do feel like I never really got to turn off my anxiety from the previous quarter. Since the start of this second year of the program, I have had this constant, low-level sense of anxiety that goes everywhere with me.

After I finished my master's degree, it took me almost a year to completely lose that non-stop, niggling sense of stress. I attributed it to the incredible pressure that I was under to complete a dual certification and work full-time to pay for it. Also, with school, unlike a regular nursing job, you bring so much of the work home with you. My primary study space is my living room. If I stop to read a non-assigned book or watch TV, my giant piles of work stare at me from my desk like enormous lurking guilt-creatures. Every minute that I spend not studying is a minute that I have lost.

At the end of last quarter (AKA the quarter where I took WAY too many classes), I had planned to start working very seriously on my new quest for funding. But, I just couldn't get started. So, here I am, with only a few days until the next quarter starts finally beginning the writing that I should have started three weeks ago. I honestly have no idea how this happened. Nonetheless, this quarter is the quarter where I will be doing the bulk of the applications and proposals for funding for next year. This will be in addition to my other classes. Today, I need to write part of a proposal, continue readings for the first week of classes next week, and build my spreadsheet of funding sources. It really isn't feeling like a break anymore.....

The new quarter starts in a few days!

Lillian Wald, Lavinia Lloyd Dock, Margaret Sanger and Flo!

I wanted to put a post out at the end of the first week of the first quarter of my second year, so here it is.

This quarter, I have found myself in an interesting position. I don't, at the end of the first week of a ten week quarter, actually know how many classes I am taking. Someday, when you are future faculty, please plan ahead. Do not rely on your administrative assistant, TA or RA to post your class or organize your rooms. Your students will appreciate your effort. Essentially, one of my classes was posted incorrectly, other classes planned around the incorrect one, and now there is a sort of scheduling hell occurring. I may or may not be joining a fourth class this quarter. I'll know sometime in the early part of next week.

In addition, my professors posted book lists pretty late - around four days before classes started. And the reading is not a joke. I am already behind in a serious amount of reading. I might have bitten the bullet and paid full price at the university bookstore, but it doesn't carry very many books. I know. It is ridiculous. In fact, it is so ridiculous that the university is shutting the bookstore down entirely and people are losing their jobs. I would cite mismanagement, a lack of planning, the economy or an incredible lack of retail know-how, but really I am in awe of such an incredible example of stupidity on the part of a huge institution that I can't marshal my thoughts beyond, "Um, I'm sorry, did you say you're closing the only campus bookstore? No, seriously, tell me another one."

So I find myself in this situation where my panic is increasing as I fall behind, but there isn't much I can do about it because all my materials are in transit and I'm not even entirely sure what I should be doing since I don't know my full course load.

PhD study! Thy name is flexibility and ambiguity!

One of my classes is a saving grace. I am taking a theory course that is exceptional. The readings are thought-provoking and the professor is an example of what nursing once was and needs to be again: women who were social revolutionaries. I am in love with this class. When I was in high school, I won the Margaret Sanger award for social service. I hadn't thought about that until I sat in the first lecture of this theory class and we read the quotes of the first nurses who, against a patriarchal establishment, spoke the truth even when it was against the law to protect their patients.

My research residency continues to be an amazing, intense experience. One that I both enjoy and constantly feel is an exercise in humility.  In addition, I feel that the science I am able to observe and participate in is revolutionary. I am very lucky to be there.

So far, the second quarter seems to have two emerging themes: revolution and an effort to make sense of chaos.

Adjusted. (My Attitude That Is...)

I'm back and I'm much less fussy. I apologize for my last post. I was feeling pretty foul.

The reality of the PhD process is that there are some bad days. In speaking with some close friends, who are also members of my cohort, we concluded that a lot of this process is....humiliating, for lack of a better word.

Before my last post, it was requested that I write up a proposal as a part of my attempt to gain access to one of the datasets that I am interested in using for my dissertation. I made my best attempt at doing that, and got some criticism in return. It happens and it is good for me. Usually, I take criticism well, especially if it is constructive and from someone with an expertise in that area, which this was. Additionally, it wasn't mean-spirited or nit-picky. I think what made it sting more than it should have was that the response wasn't just sent to me, but to a few other people as well. Having spent some time reflecting on this, and having had some further interaction with everybody, I really think that nothing negative was intended. And, they certainly haven't said that I can't have access, so....

It was also a good reminder that science isn't a private endeavor. We don't want it to be. Good science is performed in the open, so that it can be commented upon, improved upon and done well. (However, since I work in a topic area that can be contentious, I would like to clarify that it is our peers in the scientific community, not just anybody, who should be commenting on the science. Ethical considerations are, of course, open to all....)

On another note, I want to talk briefly about some common sense things I've learned over the last year regarding publications. First, if you work on it, try to get your name on it. I know that may seem pretty basic. And before this week, I would have laughed at the suggestion that I would be so foolish as to work on something and not be a named author. Alas, irony is cruel.

 Remember my mother's saying (paraphrasing someone named Brandon Mull), "Smart people learn from their mistakes. Brilliant people learn from the mistakes of others." Be brilliant, learn from the people who have gone before.

Next, if you are getting funding from some entity, that funding must be mentioned in the publication. I was informed of this by the agency that funds me, and I have been careful to stress that my funding must be mentioned to the publishers of my (very few, but hopefully, soon to be greater in number) articles. I would not have known this, though, unless someone had told me.

Finally, use a citation software when you write articles. I am not going to name one because they all have flaws, and I'm not completely satisfied with any that I've tried. They are, however, really, really important if you write something and then need to change the citation style. Also, if you use it as you're writing, which is what I do, the program is able to organize your reference list and store your references for future papers. I tend to write things in APA format since that's what I used in both my undergraduate and master's program. However, I've had to submit papers in numbered notation and without the software, I would have had to go back and do that by hand. Which would have been really a bad experience. So, use something. For your own sanity.

School starts next week! I'm nervous and excited and completely amazed that I'm already starting the second year. To all readers who are starting programs this fall, I send you all of my hope that you will have as wonderful a first year as I did!!!

Third Quarter Update

I wanted to post a quick update on the quarter. I'm leaving tomorrow for a conference, so this should be a very short post.

First, I can already tell that this quarter is going to be the most challenging yet. Statistics, my favorite class from last quarter, used steroids over the break and is now much larger, harder and faster - sort of like Barry Bonds... Between reading the chapters multiple times and my incredible stats teacher, I should be okay. But, it isn't the cakewalk that it was last quarter. On a positive statistics note, though, I think that the content will be much more useful for real-world human science research questions.

I haven't come to any hard conclusions about my measurement theory class. The first lecture seemed clear enough, and I was sort of confused by the TA's strong insistence that we would want to come to her special study groups. Then I read the five assigned chapters, and realized that I had no idea how complicated the theories behind measuring bio-psycho-social concepts are. My mistake! I'm hoping to re-read the five chapters prior to the exam (or maybe every week, I'll just read the whole text again in the hope that something clicks), because one read-through didn't give me much but a serious headache. Why didn't I change my major from nursing to a bench-science, again? Oh yeah, I like people. Well most people, I'm not feeling particularly warm and fuzzy towards the authors of the measurement theory text.

My other theory class is a trip. Both stats and measurement theory will be hard, but with thorough reading and lots of hard work, they are do-able. The adult nursing theory course is a course for the thinking nurse. Those are the ones that require me to stretch...

Finally, my advanced nursing seminar, "Violence and Health," is amazing. Right now, it is the whole reason that I'm in school. There are only two of us from my cohort, everyone else is much farther along in the program, so it is a little intimidating at times, but it is so interesting! I absolutely live for this class!

Tomorrow I leave for a conference in my favorite city (besides this one) in the whole world! (And while I haven't seen every city in the whole world, I do think that I've viewed a representative sample and can make that statement with a statistically calculable amount of confidence....hahaha!) Maybe I'll post a picture from the city and let you guys guess where it was, what do you think?

I'll close with a picture from a walk that my husband and I took a couple of weeks ago:

And you thought RN stood for Registered Nurse

Today was the first day of spring quarter. I almost opted to take a fifth class (an actual fifth class, not just a seminar), but after agonizing about it for days, I made the decision to not. I am still unsure if that was the best choice, but it had to be made. I could not imagine a fifth class for credit. So am I here to learn everything, just what I need to get out, the things that I want to know, or some ephemeral combination of all of those things?

When I started this program, I assumed that the curriculum would be a standard, pre-set path for PhD students. (Not true). I assumed that we would all learn the same things. (Again, no.) And that we would all learn them at the same time. (Nuh-uh.)

In the PhD program, there are recommended classes, but there are no required classes. Freaky, huh? Well, actually not as much as one might initially think. In some European programs, many PhD students don't even have recommended classes. Essentially in the European system, one pairs up with an expert in the topic area one is interested in and then takes classes only if they are needed. Here in the states, there is more structure, but a doctoral student uses their time to take the classes that will give them the information that they need most. But that isn't as easy it might sound. How do you know what you need? Is it what you'll still need as a researcher in 10 years? What if you're wrong, can you fix it later?

For example, in nursing, I could choose to research my topic area in either a qualitative or quantitative way. The method that I use should be determined by my specific question... but I don't have that question yet! (I'm not alone in this either). The problem is that studying both methods is crazy-talk. Some people do it, but maybe not all at once and it is NOT encouraged. So I have pretty much decided that I'm going the quantitative route. I've based this decision on the specialties of my mentors, the way that I generally think, my personal views and philosophies regarding science, and some of my own learning characteristics. I have not based it on my question. I am hoping that I haven't restricted what I may do in the future. I'm already secretly planning a qualitative post-doc. (Shhhh...don't tell anyone, I'm planning my next way to go back to school. I am Hee-Larious, right?!) Anyway, this essentially means that I chose to not take the next qualitative class so that I could take an advanced nursing seminar on a topic I am incredibly interested in and another theory class.

Anyone reading may have noticed that I italicized "another." One of the most startling things that I have found out about myself during this first year is that I love theory. (And now many nurses around the world just shuddered and they don't know why....) Theory, especially nursing theory, is the thing that I loathed most about undergraduate nursing. I HATED it. This has changed. I don't know if it is taught differently in my PhD program. I don't know if now that I'm studying to do research that I suddenly understand how important it is. I don't know if I'm just a more mature person. But I like it now, even though it makes my brain hurt and I'm not necessarily good at it. I love thinking about concepts, their connections, and how they might explain why something happens.

I think that I've made decisions on classes that will lead to me learning the skills that I need. I hope that I will work in a research intensive university where I am able to learn more skills if I need them later. I hope that I get a post-doc. I love research. I love theory. I also love qualitative research and I wanted to learn EVERYTHING while I was here. In giving up the qualitative class, I'm hopeful that I'll be a better researcher in my focused area. (Cross your fingers with me!!!)

I am now, officially, a giant nerd. But, as my good friend told me today, "RN doesn't stand for registered nurse, it stands for really nerdy."

I'll close with a picture from a walk that we took over the weekend. I love this city!

Winter Quarter

Currently Reading: Pedagogy of the Oppressed 

Happy New Year!!!

The next quarter starts today! Winter quarter classes for my cohort begin tomorrow, but today is the official start for the whole school. For whatever reason, today has also felt like the real start of 2011. I like to think that I am prepared. I have my list of resolutions clutched tightly in one hand and my organized binders in the other. After I purchase notebooks today at the campus bookstore, I should be ready to march out into the world of statistics and grant writing.

I have a lovely list of resolutions, which I have every intention of keeping! I always post my resolutions on the fridge door. This keeps me accountable to myself and also everyone who eats at my house... My resolution success rate for 2010 was 60%. That isn't great, but it also isn't awful.

This year, a couple of the resolutions are focused exclusively on creating a better school/life balance. Last quarter, I basically stopped doing healthy things like exercising. I also lost weight (from stress, not for my health), had worsening insomnia, and got walking pneumonia. I have chosen to view these as signs that I was not effectively balancing my obligations. I have signed up for a yoga class, thought through some ways to manage my time better, and I'm hoping that I will see some decrease in my stress.

As for the break, well, it was incredibly short. Also, the stress of the other project that I've been working on never really abated. Overall, the best of the break was my sister's visit, and the worst was trying to force this project forward. As a completed manuscript isn't due until February 1st, I expect the first month of this quarter to be intense and full of edits and re-writes. (I actually should be editing right now, but I wanted to start the quarter off with a post. Also, posting here is much, much easier than the edits!)

Our complete grades from fall quarter have still not been posted. I am hopeful that the grade we're awaiting will post this week. I've never been at a school where the grades from previous classes are still in limbo when the next classes start. It feels unfinished, and as I am a linear thinker and a bit OCD, it makes me slightly uncomfortable.

Finally, on a positive note, my sister and I found the coolest sushi place! I love it! I am trying to get everyone who comes here to go with me. It was the most calm dining experience I've ever had and sort of felt like slow-dining. Basically, sushi is made by the chefs, without customer input and put onto these little boats that float around in front of the patrons. If a patron wants the sushi, he or she takes it off the boat. There are some tiny signs that give you a rough indication of what each type of fish might be, but there is no explanation of the rolls. It was so relaxing. Oddly, I think that I found it so relaxing because it was completely out of my control. I sat there and watched the boats go around, and if I was moved to try a roll or a piece of fish than I did. Most of the time I couldn't identify everything I was eating, so my opinion of whether I liked it or not was completely based on taste and not what my brain thought about it... Also, there was an endless amount of green tea. It was awesome! I am posting a picture of it below...

Soothing Sushi Ships

Lastly, I'd like to thank everyone who is reading and posting comments! I'm really, really glad that so many of the readers of this blog are reading it to get information about doctoral studies. Please keep asking me questions and commenting, I love it!