Compartmentalization

I now compartmentalize. I realized it last week on the train and it took me by surprise. My husband has always been able to compartmentalize and I have never understood it. In fact, I used to find it incredibly annoying. How could anyone just shut one whole aspect of their life down in a moment? I couldn't understand how a person could live without all their messiness from one situation bleeding onto all their messiness of another.

Then, standing on the train, I realized that I had simply stopped worrying about my research residency (even though a project that I'm working on gave me fits all day while I was there and I certainly hadn't really fixed it by the time I left), that I was only focused on reading this one chapter of my stats text during my commute, and that when I stepped off the train I would no longer focus on the stats text and would instead focus on dinner. It was as if one concern simply vanished in the presence of another. NOTHING was moving into the mental space of anything else. It was shocking. And also a little like being reborn. I suddenly felt able to cope with the chaos that the PhD program forces upon a person.

So, I get it. It is a coping mechanism and perhaps even a survival mechanism: if one can't compartmentalize in a PhD program then one's brain surely explodes. Or, at least, that is my explanation for this newly acquired, and still slightly freakish, skill.

I am changing as a person, and that change is slow and incremental, but I notice it in sudden moments of insight that feel like discoveries.

The Heat is On

The holidays have officially passed. This break was a particularly strange one for me and not very restful. For some reason, it seems to have gone by too quickly and the things that I needed to accomplish during it have not all been finished. This isn't that surprising to me, but I do feel like I never really got to turn off my anxiety from the previous quarter. Since the start of this second year of the program, I have had this constant, low-level sense of anxiety that goes everywhere with me.

After I finished my master's degree, it took me almost a year to completely lose that non-stop, niggling sense of stress. I attributed it to the incredible pressure that I was under to complete a dual certification and work full-time to pay for it. Also, with school, unlike a regular nursing job, you bring so much of the work home with you. My primary study space is my living room. If I stop to read a non-assigned book or watch TV, my giant piles of work stare at me from my desk like enormous lurking guilt-creatures. Every minute that I spend not studying is a minute that I have lost.

At the end of last quarter (AKA the quarter where I took WAY too many classes), I had planned to start working very seriously on my new quest for funding. But, I just couldn't get started. So, here I am, with only a few days until the next quarter starts finally beginning the writing that I should have started three weeks ago. I honestly have no idea how this happened. Nonetheless, this quarter is the quarter where I will be doing the bulk of the applications and proposals for funding for next year. This will be in addition to my other classes. Today, I need to write part of a proposal, continue readings for the first week of classes next week, and build my spreadsheet of funding sources. It really isn't feeling like a break anymore.....

The new quarter starts in a few days!

A List of Fun

I am getting really close to being done with this quarter. I can almost taste it. Since I am getting so close, I want to write a brief summary of what I learned this quarter and then I want to make a list of the (mostly) non-school stuff that I am going to do over this break.

The most important thing that I learned this quarter is that I have a limit to how much I can focus on at one time. I took four classes and I had a research residency. It was too much. I was able to meet all of the minimum requirements for the classes and I don't think that I will do poorly in any of them, but being overburdened certainly prevented me from getting everything that I could have from any of the classes. I was just trying to meet the basic requirements and learn the things that I would need - essentially, I wasn't being the same student that I have been in other quarters. As I was working on my final presentations and papers, I noticed that due to time constraints, I wasn't putting out work that was my best work. I don't like that feeling, and I have definitely learned that the downside of trying to do everything at one time is that you don't do any of those things very well.

The second thing that I've realized is that it takes me a significant amount of time to "come down" after the end of each quarter. I have this jittery feeling. That could be because I still have things to do before the quarter is truly over for me, but I remember this feeling hanging on through previous breaks. In previous posts, I have presented the idea that part of the PhD process is being "socialized." Part of this feeling is, I think, related to my increasing socialization. I always feel like there is something else that I should be doing. This is not a feeling that I like and it is a part of this process that I am actively trying to not internalize. I like to relax, and I don't want to spend the rest of my career being unable to leave my work at work - at least most of the time.

Now, for the fun stuff! Here is a list of things that I am going to start doing as soon as I turn in the last required paper, final or project for this quarter:

1. Work on only one thing related to school  - funding opportunities
2. Yoga
3. Jog again
4. Decorate for the holidays
5. Bake cookies!
6. Read the third book in the Millenium Series
7. Shop for holiday gifts
8. Finish knitting the project that I started last winter break
9. TAKE THE WEEKENDS OFF! (Or at least I will try...)

Once I do a little decorating, I'll post a picture or two. :)

The end is in sight!

Tomorrow is the first day of week 10. The quarter is almost over, but like the most difficult quarters it is heavily backloaded. In fact, my last assignment is due on December 6th, which leaves 11 days (including today) to finish everything. I am counting down on my facebook page.

In reality, the end of the quarter does not mean that I will be able to just stop doing stuff related to school. I will still be going in to my research residency, which I am continuing through next quarter. Additionally, I will be focusing *HARD* on preparing applications for funding opportunities over the break. But, I will be able to actually focus more on those without feeling the constant worry that I am neglecting my classes. Also, next quarter I won't be taking as many classes as I did this quarter. In fact, I hope that I will never take as heavy a load as this quarter again.

I am staying motivated by having a list of things that I need to complete to end the quarter and then crossing off things as I finish them. Here's the list:
1. Edit Final Policy Paper
2. Turn in Final Policy Paper
3. Draft Final Theory Paper
4. Edit Final Theory Paper
5. Turn in Final Theory Paper
6. Final Review of Policy Presentation
7. Present Policy Presentation
8. Readings for Stats.
9. Prepare Stats Final Project Presentation
10. Present Stats Final Project
11. Prepare Stats Final Project Write-Up
12. Turn in Stats Final Project Write-Up
13. Theory Readings I missed last week
14. Qual. Readings
15. Edit Qual. Paper
16. Turn In Qual. Paper
17. Complete Statistics Final Exam
18. Review Completed Statistics Final
19. Turn in the Statistics Final Exam

Because it makes me feel less stressed, I will come back here and line out the things that I complete....
I *love* lists. They make it all seem achievable!

Also, what's getting me through these last 11 days is the knowledge that as soon as this stuff is done and turned in, I am going to decorate for the holidays, start doing yoga again, start jogging again and start taking weekends off again. Perhaps most importantly, I am going to start reading non-assigned things again!!!

For all my friends who are in nursing PhD programs: We're almost there! Good luck!

Week 7 - Almost Done or Almost Out of Time

Yesterday, I was reminded of two of my parents' sayings.
My dad used to say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
My mom would say, "Try to see what this experience is teaching you."
I hate both of those sayings. It is even more annoying that they are both true and useful.

In my fourth and often, most difficult, class I have had to struggle with trying to determine what I was learning. And even more importantly, how the class was benefiting me and my developing research skills. But, yesterday that all became a lot more clear. So, while I would still recommend that PhD students attempt to take classes that are useful to their education and future research, I would also remind us (me included) that usefulness can be defined in many, many ways. AND, I would refer us all back to my mother's saying above. There is almost always something that can be learned!

So, week seven. I think that these last few weeks are always the hardest. Papers and projects are looming, but classes are still continuing at full pace. This year, two of my classes require the final papers in the 10th week of the quarter instead of the 11th, which is the typical "finals week." In addition, we have projects coming up at my research residency. I'm feeling a little pinched for time.

However, this year I don't feel overwhelmed. My favorite holidays are approaching, I'm in a much better place in this program - I have a research question and a plan, and I've been feeling pretty accomplished lately. For everybody in the first year, I would like to tell you that the second year isn't easier, but it is better!

Boris likes to help me write papers...

A How To Guide for the PhD Student Who Has Chosen Option B...

At the start of this quarter I was presented with a choice. I could do the best thing for my sanity and limit my course load to three or I could do the politically appropriate thing and take an additional course that needed more people to continue. I chose option B.

I would like to say that I did this because I understood the inherent political ramifications of refusing to take a course offered the department of which I am a member, or I could tell the truth and say that I did it because a friend asked me to. I guess the previous sentence gave away my actual motivation - the political benefit was only pointed out to me later by my mentor.

The end result of choice B is that I signed up for a fourth class. This is not a bad thing in and of itself, and I went into it with the view that it was a course I had expected to take and that it would be useful for me so it would probably be okay in the end. This was incorrect. No, let's phrase this a little better: My assumption was flat-out, no questions asked, unequivocally WRONG. And I would have dropped the class after my first attended day, but someone had already pointed out the political ramification issue and I felt stuck. Actually, beyond feeling stuck, I am, in reality, wedged like Winnie-the Pooh trying to get out a tiny window in a Milne story.

So, here is a how-to guide for when my readers someday get stuck in a class that they wish they hadn't taken:

1. Drop the class. 
No really, if it is at all possible, drop the class. Now, I am not advocating dropping classes that are hard, or boring, or that have a lot of reading. I am only advocating dropping a class if it meets ALL of these three requirements: It is useless to you, and not required and taking up a ton of time and (this requirement is optional) possibly sucking the joy from your life.

2. If #1 is truly not possible, attempt to continue, using the following techniques:

• From day one (or as early as you realize the class is only pain) begin reading the required readings for the sole purpose of fulfilling the required assignments. Look for the answers! Usually, I read things in this program as a thinking, knowledge-gaining exercise. I read them critically and I think about them long after I've stopped reading them. Not in a class like this. I am looking for the way to write the paper and save time for other readings!
• Spend time actively trying to apply (even if you've decided that it isn't possible) something from the class to your area of interest. If nothing else this is a thinking exercise and will keep you moderately engaged.
• Ask for help. From the professor, the other students in your class, or someone who has taken it before.
• Move towards a place of acceptance and recognize that you may not get an A, ever use the material, or feel good about taking the time to take this course. Remember hopelessness does not help you finish the readings....

I'm off to the course that inspired this entry now.

Addendum: After discussion with my husband, he did point out that someone reading this might think that I disliked the class. I want to clarify. I really like the class. I just don't have room for things that aren't directly applicable at this point. This class offers the benefits of practicing critical thinking, critique, logical reasoning skills and some really important discussion. I just wish they were directly applicable to my work!

The more things change...

Tomorrow I fly out to speak at a conference. I am really, really nervous. In my clinical career I rarely had a reason for public speaking and when I did it was usually with friends. Now, I am supposed to know something and present it to others. I feel both honored and inadequate. I keep wanting to call up the person who should be going, because I  can not possibly be the appropriate person. But, then I remember that I've been studying one thing now for over a year, and I think, okay, I'm not an expert, but I have read a lot about this....

In other news, there are lots of exciting non-school related things happening as well. My best friend might be in labor (RIGHT NOW!!!!!) in my hometown and my sister is kicking butt in her first year of college. Both of these things are amazing in their own right, but they are also awesome reminders (and reassurances) of life outside of school. It may seem incomprehensible to me on most days, but there is a a whole world outside of this program! I keep reminding myself that I can take my time and learn everything I need to here because there will still be life when I finish school.


In specific school news, the quarter is officially half-way over. I am gearing up for first drafts of final papers. Before I can do that, though, I need one textbook on a particular theoretical perspective to arrive and I need to read it. Anymore, the assignments can not be completed with just the assigned readings. You know that whole list of "recommended" reading that are in the various syllabi we have all received in our lives? Yeah, well now, sometimes I read those. Sometimes, I read all of them. (The part that I don't really want to say out loud is that usually I enjoy reading them....)

I'm off to sleep, the super shuttle will be picking me up in the wee morning hours.