Week 9, Reassurance, and Some New Thoughts on Working During the Program

First, I want to say to all my readers that it is week 9 of the third quarter! I am both terrified by this (because due dates are looming) and so happy that it almost makes me jittery (the end of this first year is in sight)! I also really, really wanted to say to every nurse considering doctoral studies that this quarter was not that bad. I apologize for painting it in such a bad light. It wasn't the quarter that was awful, it was everything that happened around me in my life. The problem of course is that school and non-school interact to create an entirely different effect on one's life than either of the two separately ever could. (As an aside, the idea of an "interaction" is a statistical one as well as a term that we use in everyday language. Statistics - it pops up everywhere...)

 I wanted to mention and discuss two pieces of advice that I was told near the beginning of this program as my opinion on both has been modified over the course of this first year. First, in the beginning of the program, lots of professors, your advisor, and other students like to give advice about working during the program. I've also written briefly about it on this blog. All of this advise will conflict. I was not forced to make a choice about working or not working as my funding restricted my work outside of the program. But, I have volunteered my time as a nurse practitioner and midwife at a clinic as I didn't want to lose any skills. Also, I couldn't imagine not caring for patients for that long.

I think that it might not be a bad idea to discuss some of the underlying views on this topic a bit more. Many would argue that a nurse PhD should be an expert in a content area, and since nursing is a practice discipline and we draw some of our research questions from practice, it makes sense that a nurse pursuing her PhD should continue working at least some of the time. Others would note that pursuing a PhD is a more than full-time job already, and that while nursing is a practice discipline, academia isn't, so why add to your burden?

There is a lot of stuff going on in both of those statements. There are some thoughts about roles, and the different roles of nurses, there are some issues with our identity as nurses, and there is some ambivalence about our views of academia and bedside nursing, both. Initially, I erred on the side of the second statement - this is a busy enough time, why add the stress of working? But, I've slowly been changing my mind.

Being a PhD student is like starting over as a kindergartner. Each student is learning new things, and no student is an expert in class. It is a humbling and occasionally humiliating experience. In some ways, it has been harder for me and my peers who have a lot of experience and considered ourselves really accomplished nurses in our fields. We aren't accomplished anymore! And while learning is great fun, we're newbies, and it isn't always a good feeling.

So when I go to the clinic for my volunteer hours, I get to feel so accomplished. I know what to do! I know how to communicate with the patients! I know how to help them! I am good at something again! It is amazing. As the first year has progressed, my need to be in the clinic, feeling capable has increased. So, I want to tell my readers that while I don't recommend working full-time, or maybe even truly part-time, I strongly recommend working. I think it might be important to your sanity.

The next thing that I was told was to take a vacation every summer. Many, many students recommended this. One student even said, "I have taken out loans just to travel in the summer. It is that important." I heard this advice, but I didn't really pay much attention. I am a complete type A. I save my money, I am rarely frivolous, and I would never take out a loan for fun - that is crazy talk!

Except, now, I am a believer in the vacation. The only thing that is keeping me propped up right now is the knowledge that I'm going to be vacating for a good while when this quarter ends. It isn't just that I need a break (which I do need), it is the idea that I need to leave. And not even just the state, I feel a need to leave the country. I think that this is caused by a combination of my all too human fight-or-flight response to stress urging me to run away, and the idea that if I go very far away, no one can find me and ask me to do something. So I am now also recommending the summer vacation in its truest sense: to temporarily vacate your life.

Loss as a Concept

be·reft/biˈreft/Adjective

1. Deprived of or lacking something 

2. (of a person) Lonely and abandoned, esp. through someone's death or departure.

There is no time off in this program to grieve. It isn't that people aren't sympathetic, there just isn't any room to add time for a student to gather themselves. Last post, I mentioned that I should be back on track as long as no other life-altering events occurred. Well, remind me next time to keep my mouth shut. Last week I lost one of my firmest supporters and one of the people whose influence helped me get to this program: my grandfather. He was a scientist. He loved and actively sought knowledge - even knowledge without direct purpose.

The only word that I could find to describe how I feel is bereft. I am not "enraged," I am not "despairing," but I also can't seem to grieve. Instead, I feel "deprived and lacking something."

Some other cohort members have expressed the sense that one specific goal of this program is the active attempt to "tear us down" so that they can build something better out of us. I haven't felt this way about the program. Instead, I have described it as a type of socialization. They (the powers that be) were having us experience what it really is to think for a living - to be an academic.

Right now, though, I feel that my life is tearing me down. And school is preventing me from addressing that. I'm balancing on a tightrope, someone just knocked one of my feet out from under me, and there is NO NET.

I quit my job, I live thousands of miles from my family, and one of the people who believed I could do this isn't here now. I am bereft of my confidence. I am bereft of my certainty. I am even bereft of my ability to have a really good freak out. I have never run home for help because I've never needed that. But what if I never needed help because I always knew that if I did need it, it was there? Does that make any sense?! And, I don't even have time to think this through, because I have to think about other things - it is week 8!

This week, also, as my life has been assaulted, I have come to some conclusions about the program. I was wrong. It isn't socialization, it is a type of destruction. I have spent a year investigating concepts and theories. I came in with a pretty good idea of my question - and now that I know more, that's gone. I have no research question. I have less of a belief in my own knowledge on my topic. I feel naked and uncertain.

What comes from bereavement? Nearing the end of the first year, having lost the support of a loved one, my certainty of purpose, and my belief in my research ideas, what is there to be learned from all of it? I want someone to tell me that I will gain knowledge from this. My grandfather believed in science as a way to attain knowledge. I believe that too. Implicit in that belief is that knowledge will lead to understanding. But today, I am not sure that the rigorous application of methodical investigation techniques will help me understand.

And I am bereft.

Weeks Five and Six

I haven't blogged in a while because the last two weeks have been pretty awful. I lost my steadfast companion, KitKit, on April 25th. Even though he was my silent partner, his presence was always comforting. It is hard to panic about things when the cat can barely be bothered to wake up. Nothing was an emergency to him, and whether I succeeded or failed was meaningless to him. I was used to him sitting on my printer or on my desk while I worked. He didn't care if what I was writing was going to set nursing science on its ear, he just wanted to sleep near me and in the sun from the window.  It is harder to work without him.

The last picture I took of KitKit. He really loved to sleep in clean laundry...

The last two weeks have also included two midterms, a seven page paper, and a conference. Thankfully, I just finished week 6. Only five weeks to go. I am usually about two weeks ahead in readings and assignments, but this quarter I am two weeks behind. I actually wrote a paper (the whole thing) the day it was due. That has never happened before, and barring any other life catastrophes, it will never happen again. It was an unpleasant experience to actually be racing the clock while I wrote. I am not looking forward to the feedback from the prof on that paper. I can't imagine it will be good.

Hopefully, the next five weeks will pass quickly and without incident. I want to get out of this quarter and start prepping for next year. The second year is a big deal and I need to be focused. I also need to start planning my research residencies. If everything works out, I'll get to do one at the end of this summer...

The cracks are starting to show...

Last week was an interesting week. I have been aware of my own stress, but I believed that I was handling it well. Until I wasn't. And it really wasn't just me. If a group's behavior could be seen as a type of morale-barometer, I'd say we were reading at an all-time low. I'm not really sure what all the contributing factors are for this, but I know that we don't have lunch breaks anymore on the days we're having classes, some of the required readings are less than clear, and it just is starting to seem like we've been sprinting a race that was really more of a marathon.

I think that we are all going to be pretty happy for a break at the end of this quarter. But that is a long way away. It is two difficult mid-terms, at least one presentation, another conference, and four final papers from now. Yikes.

So today, after I tried to get some things done this morning and only succeeding in messing up my desk and my equanimity, I've decided to just stop for one day. I'm going to eat dinner with some friends, and try to use this day to fortify my resolve so that I can start fresh on Monday.

Does anyone else remember Carmen Sandiego?

I made the picture giant to give you a better chance of guessing the city from the skyline, but I still think that it's too far away...

I am back from my conference! It was a lovely experience. There was a general call  for presenters next year, and I am already trying to figure out a way to be one of those presenters in 2012! I also met a woman who recently completely her PhD and was a presenter. It was encouraging to meet a nurse who has finished. Also, I really enjoyed being back in my favorite city in the whole world! (That paragraph got a little crazy with the exclamation points, right? Well, that is the way of conferences: they raise enthusiasm.)

I spent the last week catching up. Before this I hadn't realized just how much time I spend on the weekends, even when my husband is here, doing schoolwork and organizing for the week ahead.

If I had to make an educated guess, I would say that I spend an average of 60 hours a week on this program. Remember when I talked about a need to build endurance? Well that was one of the reasons. I work on schoolwork every weekday and, unless I make a conscience effort to stop, most weekends. As the quarter progresses, the amount of time spent working increases. Over the quarter, I'd say the average is about 60 hours. Considering that we are in class only two days a week, most of that time is self-directed, in an attempt to make progress on class goals and also to keep reading in my topic area.

I am already a little nervous about next year! I really need to get my research residencies set up. They have to be done before you can take qualifying exams. And I would  like to write my qualifying exams in the summer of 2012. That means that next school year, in addition to my classes, I need to be doing research residencies.... My university believes that the nursing PhD should take an average of four years. My own goal is to finish in five years. I want to walk away really prepared, having absorbed as much knowledge as I can. Based on that timeline, I should be, by the end of this quarter, 20% done.... But I don't feel like I'm that far along. Maybe it's an exponential thing....or a logarithmic thing...? Sort of like cat-years, or earthquake scales, or.....?

Anyway, before I scamper off to work on week four, I'll leave you with two more pictures:

Any guesses on where my conference was held?

Third Quarter Update

I wanted to post a quick update on the quarter. I'm leaving tomorrow for a conference, so this should be a very short post.

First, I can already tell that this quarter is going to be the most challenging yet. Statistics, my favorite class from last quarter, used steroids over the break and is now much larger, harder and faster - sort of like Barry Bonds... Between reading the chapters multiple times and my incredible stats teacher, I should be okay. But, it isn't the cakewalk that it was last quarter. On a positive statistics note, though, I think that the content will be much more useful for real-world human science research questions.

I haven't come to any hard conclusions about my measurement theory class. The first lecture seemed clear enough, and I was sort of confused by the TA's strong insistence that we would want to come to her special study groups. Then I read the five assigned chapters, and realized that I had no idea how complicated the theories behind measuring bio-psycho-social concepts are. My mistake! I'm hoping to re-read the five chapters prior to the exam (or maybe every week, I'll just read the whole text again in the hope that something clicks), because one read-through didn't give me much but a serious headache. Why didn't I change my major from nursing to a bench-science, again? Oh yeah, I like people. Well most people, I'm not feeling particularly warm and fuzzy towards the authors of the measurement theory text.

My other theory class is a trip. Both stats and measurement theory will be hard, but with thorough reading and lots of hard work, they are do-able. The adult nursing theory course is a course for the thinking nurse. Those are the ones that require me to stretch...

Finally, my advanced nursing seminar, "Violence and Health," is amazing. Right now, it is the whole reason that I'm in school. There are only two of us from my cohort, everyone else is much farther along in the program, so it is a little intimidating at times, but it is so interesting! I absolutely live for this class!

Tomorrow I leave for a conference in my favorite city (besides this one) in the whole world! (And while I haven't seen every city in the whole world, I do think that I've viewed a representative sample and can make that statement with a statistically calculable amount of confidence....hahaha!) Maybe I'll post a picture from the city and let you guys guess where it was, what do you think?

I'll close with a picture from a walk that my husband and I took a couple of weeks ago:

And you thought RN stood for Registered Nurse

Today was the first day of spring quarter. I almost opted to take a fifth class (an actual fifth class, not just a seminar), but after agonizing about it for days, I made the decision to not. I am still unsure if that was the best choice, but it had to be made. I could not imagine a fifth class for credit. So am I here to learn everything, just what I need to get out, the things that I want to know, or some ephemeral combination of all of those things?

When I started this program, I assumed that the curriculum would be a standard, pre-set path for PhD students. (Not true). I assumed that we would all learn the same things. (Again, no.) And that we would all learn them at the same time. (Nuh-uh.)

In the PhD program, there are recommended classes, but there are no required classes. Freaky, huh? Well, actually not as much as one might initially think. In some European programs, many PhD students don't even have recommended classes. Essentially in the European system, one pairs up with an expert in the topic area one is interested in and then takes classes only if they are needed. Here in the states, there is more structure, but a doctoral student uses their time to take the classes that will give them the information that they need most. But that isn't as easy it might sound. How do you know what you need? Is it what you'll still need as a researcher in 10 years? What if you're wrong, can you fix it later?

For example, in nursing, I could choose to research my topic area in either a qualitative or quantitative way. The method that I use should be determined by my specific question... but I don't have that question yet! (I'm not alone in this either). The problem is that studying both methods is crazy-talk. Some people do it, but maybe not all at once and it is NOT encouraged. So I have pretty much decided that I'm going the quantitative route. I've based this decision on the specialties of my mentors, the way that I generally think, my personal views and philosophies regarding science, and some of my own learning characteristics. I have not based it on my question. I am hoping that I haven't restricted what I may do in the future. I'm already secretly planning a qualitative post-doc. (Shhhh...don't tell anyone, I'm planning my next way to go back to school. I am Hee-Larious, right?!) Anyway, this essentially means that I chose to not take the next qualitative class so that I could take an advanced nursing seminar on a topic I am incredibly interested in and another theory class.

Anyone reading may have noticed that I italicized "another." One of the most startling things that I have found out about myself during this first year is that I love theory. (And now many nurses around the world just shuddered and they don't know why....) Theory, especially nursing theory, is the thing that I loathed most about undergraduate nursing. I HATED it. This has changed. I don't know if it is taught differently in my PhD program. I don't know if now that I'm studying to do research that I suddenly understand how important it is. I don't know if I'm just a more mature person. But I like it now, even though it makes my brain hurt and I'm not necessarily good at it. I love thinking about concepts, their connections, and how they might explain why something happens.

I think that I've made decisions on classes that will lead to me learning the skills that I need. I hope that I will work in a research intensive university where I am able to learn more skills if I need them later. I hope that I get a post-doc. I love research. I love theory. I also love qualitative research and I wanted to learn EVERYTHING while I was here. In giving up the qualitative class, I'm hopeful that I'll be a better researcher in my focused area. (Cross your fingers with me!!!)

I am now, officially, a giant nerd. But, as my good friend told me today, "RN doesn't stand for registered nurse, it stands for really nerdy."

I'll close with a picture from a walk that we took over the weekend. I love this city!