Onward and Upward

For clarification, this quarter has been a very different experience than last quarter. Out of my three classes, only statistics hasn't been a painful struggle. (And while I would like to take some credit for this, it really is a result of  the strength of the instruction of my statistics professor). I am lucky that I am close with my classmates, but the reality of this program is that it isn't a group effort. Which leads me to the first hard-learned lesson of this quarter:

1. You have to own your area of research.

The point of this program isn't to be the best generalist. The point isn't to be a mini medical doctor. The point isn't to become the best future educator. The point is to be an expert in one area of nursing knowledge. I fully understand why the average time to complete a PhD in the U.S. is six years. By the end of last quarter I noticed, and my classmates confirmed it in themselves, a growing aversion to our topics. We wanted to talk or read about ANYTHING other than our topics of research. Anything. Just one quarter of looking closely at my topic clarified for me one very important lesson: how little I knew about it. And that is a perfect lead in to the second lesson of this quarter.

2. I now know *just enough* to know how much I don't know.

I feel like my cohort and I started this journey like a group of settlers moving west. (Does anyone remember playing Oregon Trail...?) We packed what we thought we might need. For example, I brought my clinical experience, certainly not the twenty or thirty years of nursing experience that some of my classmates bring with them, but it encompasses a full third of my life. Some of my classmates brought their previous research experience. We gathered everything we knew or had learned and we headed out. Our goal, for this metaphor, was the peak of a mountain. Pretty quickly we noted that we were going uphill. And we congratulated ourselves. "Look we're climbing!" About half way through this second quarter, we reached a plateau. While we knew we weren't at the top, we were pretty excited. Until we stopped to look ahead.

We had reached the top of a gently rolling hill. What we could see clearly was just how much farther there was to travel before we even reached the base of the mountain. We all stupidly turned to each other and said, "this might be harder than we thought."

This was the quarter where one brave classmate of mine raised her hand, and asked for some clarification on the percentage of people who actually finish. The professor gracefully sidestepped the question. I went home that night and tried to bring myself to Google the answer. I never did. I don't want to know. Which is a pretty good lead in to my next lesson.

3. This could be an isolating process.

I have only ever witnessed one other nurse achieve a PhD. Obviously, I've known other nurses after they finished their doctorates. But I've only known one person through their doctorate. And, while it isn't something that I'm completely comfortable writing, I've only ever known one PhD prepared nurse of Mexican descent, and I met her here. In fact, before I came to my program, I had only ever met four people of color with doctorates. Ever.  My cohort is 18 people. I am the only person of Mexican descent. There is only one other PhD nursing student, in all the cohorts, that I've met who is Latina.

I shouldn't be shocked by this. I was a McNair Scholar. The McNair Scholars Program is specifically designed to encourage high-achieving undergraduate minority students to pursue graduate education. I never thought this would affect me. In my defense, I went to high school, college, and graduate school in Chicago! I never felt like a minority there! I also really didn't think it applied to nursing. For the love of Pete, we were like the United Nations in my undergraduate program. Multi-culturalism was perhaps less well represented in my master's program, but I never really noticed; I had no doubt that I could finish. Here, I'm looking around for reassurance that this is a doable endeavor, and I don't see very many people who look like me. It's a little bit freaky.

So there you have it. Second quarter is a little less smooth. Week 8 is bringing a resurgence of my angst.

Post-its, packages, and passes

Last week was the heaviest week of the quarter. I had a statistics mid-term, an event that I had planned for my student organization and the first part of my grant draft due. Yikes. But, it passed. The statistics mid-term didn't seem that bad (I hope I'm not getting cocky, we'll get our grades on Tuesday), the event was a grand success, and while nobody stood up and yelled, "Your grant proposal is amazing!" they also didn't tell me to get lost. So, overall, I'll take it.

I had some big plans for the weekend of getting ahead and drafting final papers and starting a knitted baby sweater for my goddaughter and cleaning the bathroom. So far, I've managed to practice my guitar, show up at my volunteer job, buy post-its, find a padded envelope for mailing and make lasagna. Close enough, right? I do want to clean and organize my desk this weekend. It is approaching absolute chaos and if its current rate of mess-accumulation continues, I won't be able to find the keyboard soon. I do not work well in disorder, so something has to be done before finals.

The weather here has been amazing. It is funny. When I lived in the desert every single day was pristine. But I hated the place so much that I never appreciated the weather. I also disliked the same-ness of it. I would want to cry because it was another sunny day. (I know?! Whining about perfect weather!) But it was like the movie Groundhog Day. I couldn't tell what time of year it was or if time was even passing. It was surreal and everything felt like an over-exposed photo, even the people seemed bleached clean of personality. Here, I enjoy the sun again; partly, because it rains! Tomorrow is supposed to be another beautiful day and then we're expecting rain all next week. I'm excited for both a sunny day tomorrow and rain for next week... maybe I just like it here better.

Wine country versus whine country

My husband and I drove to the wine country this weekend for a little relaxation. It was very, very nice to get away for a day!

Next week I have the statistics mid-term and I need to have my completed reference list for my critical literature review class. Additionally, I need to have a solid draft of my specific aims for my grant-writing class. It sounds like a lot, huh? But, I am well-prepared and I should be able to turn all of this in without any problem. Yay, organization!

I promised a picture this post, so here it is:

Wine Country!

Week Five

For the first time this quarter, I finally feel like I am in control of my workload! The project that I've been working on and that has been hanging over my head for the last two quarters is ready to be submitted. It isn't done, but it's done for now.

Also, I have an actual question that I might be able to work with and it is certainly a starting point for the dissertation question. The question is still in its infancy, but its existence makes me believe that I can do this. It also gives me something to work with for my grant writing class, which I've been struggling with the whole quarter.

While I'm very glad to be at this better place, I'm also pretty startled to look up and realize that I am half way through this second quarter. It is moving entirely too fast. I can already envision the coming scramble in the final weeks.

As a reward, I am planning to spend tonight not worrying about anything school related. This whole quarter, even when I have been doing other things, I have felt a constant thrum of worry about my classes, the project and the future. Tonight, because I am feeling so accomplished, I am not going to feel that worry at all.

I wish that I had a picture to post, but I haven't taken any in a long while. Maybe next time...

Reality Check

I've had another frustrating week - and it is just Wednesday. I'm really at a personal impasse about which direction to take both in classes and for a larger dissertation path. As I'm also a huge worrywart by nature, I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable. After a discussion with my advisor today, I realized that what I'm struggling with is finding a balance between what I would choose in a perfect world, and what is accomplish-able.

I think that this is probably a good moment to review why I decided to pursue this degree. And since I'm needing to see those reasons clearly stated, I am going to write them as a list.

1. I find women's healthcare to be the most interesting area of healthcare.
2. I trust women to tell me what they need.
3. I have questions about how to best provide care to women.
4. I know that these questions are answerable through science.
5. I want to participate in answering those questions and educating the next generation of nurses.

Okay. There's the basic list.
It is a reassuring list. I am doing this for more than one good reason. What I need to embrace now is that this is a process, a multi-year process. I have time to think about how to accomplish this degree and to learn more about the best way to direct myself to accomplish my longer-term goals. I do not need to have the perfect answer to anything (research question, dissertation question, methods, etc.) yet.

I am just working through the process.

I'm going for a run now. I need to burn off some of these stress hormones...

Questions about THE question

I thought I'd post on THE question today. It is a topic that has been brought up by a reader and a topic that is particularly important to me right now.

The hard truth about doctoral studies is that at some point you have to do something that enables you to write your dissertation. That something, that you do, has to contribute new information to your scientific community.

This may not seem like such a daunting thing to some of my readers. In fact, I wasn't that concerned about it when I applied. As an undergraduate I participated in a pilot study, doing quite a bit of the research myself (though guided closely by my mentor). In my master's program, I performed a secondary data analysis and I should probably have tried to publish the results as they would have contributed new information. Some people do a secondary data analysis for their dissertation. However, (and yes you can read a giant, capitalized BUT there) from what I've determined so far, it is different at the doctoral level.

It is different because we aren't doing this as part of a master's project, or for a paper. We won't be allowed to just take some data and run some tests on it. Even if the machinations look similar, the underlying foundation has changed. First, a research doctoral student should be asking a specific question that was determined to be important by studying a general topic to the point of absurdity. And, the way that one asks that question, analyzes the data that result from the question, and presents and disseminates the data are all designed by the student. That's why two years of study are required before the PhD-powers-that-be (also known as your committee) let you make the final, absolute, resolute, certain choice of THE question: Your research question. (Some people do it faster, some people do it slower - two years seems to be the average amount of time it takes to be really prepped to ask a good question with a solid foundation....)

If I've learned anything so far, it's that the final product of the published paper is fairly removed from the actual work of the research. The published paper is a pretty representation of the question, which motivated the design, which directed a researcher's attempts to gain entree into their research location, which probably preceded begging for grants, funds, MONEY! to perform the study from a bunch of people using forms that are just short of incomprehensible. And all of that came after reading as much of the literature on the general topic, then on the framework of the type of research, then on the theoretical basis for both, then back again to the literature for the specifics. And it is a long process from the start of that to the end of the dissertation.

However, (there's that giant BUT again) the profs really like us to think about it along the way. So for classes, they say things like, "Pick a question. It doesn't have to be your dissertation question, but pick a question, and show me how you would..." do a critical literature review, contact an expert, perform a concept diagram on the topic, ask the question in a qualitative way, ask the question as a quantitative question.... etc. etc. etc. They want us to practice the thinking of it. Every time we do, we see the problems in our thinking or design and we get closer to THE actual question. Oh, and to add to the joy - the student does this in the full view of her peers.

Regardless of the angst (I use the word with all its associated connotations. It feels just like teenage fretting at times), in the end it works. People get through. Their classes help them hone their skills, their peers help them see the flaws in their thinking, the profs help you negotiate the process and nurses actually get doctorates.

I hope.


So, here are the important points of my above discussion:
1. Very few people (though, some do) know their dissertation question when they walk in the door.
2. Part of the fun of classes with the other people in your cohort is that you get to hear everyone's topics, areas of interest, and questions. You also get to hear them evolve.
3. At some point, someone is going to want to know EXACTLY what you want to ask, research, etc. to get out of school. For once and for all. (These are nurses after all. We're a practical bunch. You start talking about the 7-year program and some kindly prof is going to grab you by your scruff and give you a little shake.)
4. Just remember, once the dissertation is complete, the research isn't supposed to end.... But your "program of research" is a whole 'nother topic.

Week Two Update

As I head into week three of the quarter, I wanted to post something a little more upbeat than my previous two posts from this quarter. I think that I've worked through some of my winter quarter angst, and I thought that I would share the process with all the potential students. The two reasons that I've been able to work through my worry are my classmates and this weekend, which was restful.

This quarter, my two primary classes are the first of the statistics series that I will take during the program and a class that is called "Health and Human Systems." I know. It isn't a very elucidating name. Basically, it is a class to teach us, as researchers, how to find, what we call "the gaps" in the literature. (The gaps are the things that we don't know or haven't answered yet. They are the places that need more knowledge.One finds these by reading the literature and looking for the gaps, hence their nickname.) Or that is my interpretation of the class. So far, all we've done is try to perform a literature search on our topics. Which was when I hit my first bump in the road.

We all have our areas of interest. Mine is quite clear in my head. But outside of my head, it is actually a large, historied, and occasionally, contentious area of medical research. I need to narrow my focus. The instructors believe that to do this we should pick a research question. I agree, in theory, but I'm not ready to do that...yet. I would love to have a specific research question. That would make things a LOT easier. However, I haven't yet identified the gaps in the literature, so how do I know what to ask? And so begins a frighteningly circular argument which prevents me from sleeping at night.

So, as I tried to perform this literature search, I realized that my topic was huge. I have read a lot on my very large topic, so in my head it made a lot of sense, but on paper, it looked like a hot mess. So I tried to narrow it. I thought that I had done a good job of this... the professors did not. The thing about the doctoral program is that, as a learning exercise, the profs want you to get yourself out of your own messes. No one is going to hold your hand. (I don't think that they would really let us go too far down, but they might let us stumble along for a while to teach us to pay better attention...) So after letting me know that they were not completely satisfied with my work, they then sent me on my way. And that way led to sleepless nights and extreme worry.

The reason that I am not having a complete nervous breakdown is that I found out I was not completely alone. Apparently, almost all of us walked out of that class with similar comments. Oh! The relief! Maybe I am not completely hopeless! Once again, it is good to have classmates. I still had to spend the week working through my issue and really determining what area within my ginormous topic I was going to focus on for this class, but at least, I am not alone!

And then, this weekend, I actually took a small break. My husband is here and we went to see one of my classmates perform in the community symphony. It was wonderful and relaxing and uplifting and shut off my worry for a good two hours. Afterward we all went for German food and a nice city walk. This mini-crisis has reminded me how very important good friends are during this process. It could be very solitary work - not one of us is interested in the exact same topic - but we are not lonely because we are all taking the same initial classes. Plodding though our steps may be, we are at least making progress all together.

I feel much more ready to start week three than I did week two, and that is a small victory.