I am a huuuuugggee holiday fan, so I would like to wish everyone (who is reading this blog, and from the states) a Happy Thanksgiving!!
If I weren't in school, I'd be putting up my Solstice tree this weekend too. But, I want to wait until I've turned in my final papers. I think that I'll be able to enjoy it more then.
Happy start of the holiday season!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Entropy
Entropy is defined by the Free Online Dictionary (accessed 11/22/10) as "a measure of the disorder or randomness in a closed system."
Or, for a visual representation: My desk.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
What was the road to hell paved with again?
Choosing to be a nurse puts one in good, but lonely, company. There a lot of us, but people seem to in the dark about what it means to be a nurse. I have seen polls that indicate that nurses are some of the most trusted people in western society. In one poll, we were rated more trustworthy than clergy (though that may not be saying much lately). But at the same time, being a nurse doesn't garner the same type of respect that I believe it should. People trust us, but I'm not sure they really believe that we're that bright. (Did anyone else see the "naughty nurse" Halloween costumes this year? Yuck.) I'm not someone who wants to place nursing on a pedestal either. We aren't angels; we aren't there to be pretty and "brighten up" a patient's room; we aren't anyone's handmaiden anymore. That certainly hasn't been our role for years.
Being a nurse-scientist is in some ways even worse. It just seems to just confuse the hell out of people. In our philosophy class this quarter, we have asked some hard questions about nursing. We have asked if it is a profession, if it is a real science, if we are scientists and what all of that means. These are questions that seem to put some of my wonderful classmates on the defensive. I feel that these are questions that we, as nurses, must be willing to ask and consider. They are important.
My readers (if I actually have any!) may be wondering what brought this contemplation on tonight. As I was sitting tonight with another student in my cohort, I realized that even though she and I are very different people, we had immediate common ground. We are nurses. But I couldn't actually define why that binds us. We work in different specialties, we are different ages, and we want to do very different research. So what does it mean to be a nurse and why does it bind us? Does it mean that we're more touchy-feely? Does it mean that all of our research must be qualitative, that we only want to talk about feelings? Does it mean that we're less competitive among ourselves and more able to be real friends?
Within the last two weeks I have had three troubling experiences. During my brief visit home, my father asked me what I was "majoring in." I was stunned by the question. My father has a master's degree. And he is aware that I have a BSN and my MS. How does my father not understand what a nursing PhD is? Also, a close family friend, asked me how medical school was going. I was also taken aback by this as I've talked with him about the PhD prior to applying! Both times I tried to quickly do some education and well, explanation, but I'm not sure that either my friend or my father understood.
Perhaps the most upsetting incident occurred at my fellowship meeting. At the meeting, another student, while pointing (manners, people, manners), asked "I want to be a scientist, what is that you want to be?" I was so startled that I hesitated, and the director dragged the conversation in another direction before I could respond.
So I want to answer the question now. I want to be a scientist too. I'm reading philosophy of science, journal articles, taking methods courses, writing, writing, writing and hoping to be published. But will that make me a scientist when nursing is, and will always be, only a human science?
I think so. But I also know that nursing science is still earning respect. Nursing science is still young. It is a science that is made up almost entirely of women. It is a science that addresses amorphous things like quality of life and un-glamorous things like pain relief and medication adherence. It is a science that asks the un-fun questions, things like are our patients actually satisfied with their care? It is not a well-paid science. We are not the superstars of the biological sciences. But when I read our journals (Do doctors read them? Do they know how important some of the things we write are?) I know that we "do" science. And that it is interesting, important science.
What binds nurses is that sometimes we alone actually know what we do. I can sit across the table from another nurse and "know" something about her without knowing much about her at all. What makes us different, perhaps, from doctors or judges or astrophysicists, isn't that we weren't smart enough to get into those programs (and yes, I've had someone say, "you seem smart enough to have gotten into medical school, what happened?"), but instead that we are willing to do the unrecognized, dirty, sometimes disheartening work because we think it is important. And that we are able to create meaning from it. Maybe that is our science.
I am not advocating that we become defensive and I really want to STOP having the nurses-as-angels phenomenon. That pedestal was only a gilded cage. I am advocating instead that we continue answering, describing, and demonstrating what we do. Even when we are sick of talking about it. If you are a nurse, tell someone what you do all day, not only the good or bad things, but the real things. Make friends with a doctor. They need to see us as people and they need to know what we do and what our science says too!
What I really ask of any nurse reading this is that you stop and think. Think about why you do what you do. If what you do is science and why. Think about how you know what you know. Think about why you didn't go to medical school. Don't be caught off guard the next time someone asks you an important question about nursing. Instead, please take the opportunity to define nursing, for yourself, and for someone else.
Do this for me. So that nobody asks me how medical school is going ever again....
Being a nurse-scientist is in some ways even worse. It just seems to just confuse the hell out of people. In our philosophy class this quarter, we have asked some hard questions about nursing. We have asked if it is a profession, if it is a real science, if we are scientists and what all of that means. These are questions that seem to put some of my wonderful classmates on the defensive. I feel that these are questions that we, as nurses, must be willing to ask and consider. They are important.
My readers (if I actually have any!) may be wondering what brought this contemplation on tonight. As I was sitting tonight with another student in my cohort, I realized that even though she and I are very different people, we had immediate common ground. We are nurses. But I couldn't actually define why that binds us. We work in different specialties, we are different ages, and we want to do very different research. So what does it mean to be a nurse and why does it bind us? Does it mean that we're more touchy-feely? Does it mean that all of our research must be qualitative, that we only want to talk about feelings? Does it mean that we're less competitive among ourselves and more able to be real friends?
Within the last two weeks I have had three troubling experiences. During my brief visit home, my father asked me what I was "majoring in." I was stunned by the question. My father has a master's degree. And he is aware that I have a BSN and my MS. How does my father not understand what a nursing PhD is? Also, a close family friend, asked me how medical school was going. I was also taken aback by this as I've talked with him about the PhD prior to applying! Both times I tried to quickly do some education and well, explanation, but I'm not sure that either my friend or my father understood.
Perhaps the most upsetting incident occurred at my fellowship meeting. At the meeting, another student, while pointing (manners, people, manners), asked "I want to be a scientist, what is that you want to be?" I was so startled that I hesitated, and the director dragged the conversation in another direction before I could respond.
So I want to answer the question now. I want to be a scientist too. I'm reading philosophy of science, journal articles, taking methods courses, writing, writing, writing and hoping to be published. But will that make me a scientist when nursing is, and will always be, only a human science?
I think so. But I also know that nursing science is still earning respect. Nursing science is still young. It is a science that is made up almost entirely of women. It is a science that addresses amorphous things like quality of life and un-glamorous things like pain relief and medication adherence. It is a science that asks the un-fun questions, things like are our patients actually satisfied with their care? It is not a well-paid science. We are not the superstars of the biological sciences. But when I read our journals (Do doctors read them? Do they know how important some of the things we write are?) I know that we "do" science. And that it is interesting, important science.
What binds nurses is that sometimes we alone actually know what we do. I can sit across the table from another nurse and "know" something about her without knowing much about her at all. What makes us different, perhaps, from doctors or judges or astrophysicists, isn't that we weren't smart enough to get into those programs (and yes, I've had someone say, "you seem smart enough to have gotten into medical school, what happened?"), but instead that we are willing to do the unrecognized, dirty, sometimes disheartening work because we think it is important. And that we are able to create meaning from it. Maybe that is our science.
I am not advocating that we become defensive and I really want to STOP having the nurses-as-angels phenomenon. That pedestal was only a gilded cage. I am advocating instead that we continue answering, describing, and demonstrating what we do. Even when we are sick of talking about it. If you are a nurse, tell someone what you do all day, not only the good or bad things, but the real things. Make friends with a doctor. They need to see us as people and they need to know what we do and what our science says too!
What I really ask of any nurse reading this is that you stop and think. Think about why you do what you do. If what you do is science and why. Think about how you know what you know. Think about why you didn't go to medical school. Don't be caught off guard the next time someone asks you an important question about nursing. Instead, please take the opportunity to define nursing, for yourself, and for someone else.
Do this for me. So that nobody asks me how medical school is going ever again....
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
M.I.A.
I know that it's been a loooong time since I last posted. I apologize. I would like to list my many excuses. First, holy god is there a lot of work, reading and time to this PhD stuff! Secondly, I had to travel home to Chicago briefly and also had a lovely visit here from close friends. Finally, I recently caught something that I am calling "flu-plague," because that is exactly how it feels. As I currently have no voice, but have recovered from the recurrent fever that was symptomatic of my "flu-plague," it seemed like a good time to write.
I have some new advice for anybody who reads this blog for doctoral info. or tips. First, I've now learned that this is not a sprint, it is a marathon. I am beginning to understand the real definition of persistence. You might think that you are a persistent person (I did), you might think that you know what the word means (Oh, just wait until they teach you about concept analysis), you might have completed some previous tasks that required persistence (they were good preparation), but this process requires a lot more persistence than you ever imagined.
Be aware that your endurance will build, but also actively try to build it by keeping up with the readings and thinking ahead. Nothing in the program is ever done; papers, projects, classes are only the blocks that you will use to write the next paper, do the next project or take the next class. There is no filler. It is all important. And that is overwhelming. So let go of the idea that you are going to finish something and move on to other things. I have files, on top of files, on top of stacks of articles that I know will be useful....for something later.
There has been very little coasting so far. The work is concussive. I have papers due in three weeks that are worth half of my grade for a class. I still have to write them even though I just got back all of my mid-quarter papers with grades that seem less than reflective of the extreme effort that went into them. Which leads me to another tip. Get a thick skin BEFORE you start a PhD program. The gloves are off. There isn't time for anyone to write "nice effort." It isn't that the grading is harsh, or unfair, it isn't. It's just that we are going to be the colleagues of the professors that are grading these papers. And they are not planning on raising any fools. They're using each paper we write as a place to give constructive criticism. It has all been constructive, it has almost all been criticism also. I have learned to live for the "nicely done" comment or the "interesting thought" scribbled in a margin. They are manna to me.
These papers are also, for the first time in my educational career, all applicable. Because the assignments are tailored so that each student can write them on the phenomenon of interest relevant to that student, they are all a chance to increase knowledge. What I have found to be very, very helpful is that I had some articles and basic knowledge on my topic before entering the program. This leads me to my last tip for this post. Before entering a PhD program, it is important to have accumulated and read at least some articles in the area that you would like to research. For one of the applications to schools, I had to write a scholarly paper. The articles that I found for that paper have served as references, places to look for other references, and idea-generators for all of the papers I've written this quarter. The amount of time it would have taken to find them during the quarter might have been crippling.
So that's it. I'm still loving it, but the honeymoon is over. I'm off to take NyQuil and go to bed. I have to get up and start working early. :)
I have some new advice for anybody who reads this blog for doctoral info. or tips. First, I've now learned that this is not a sprint, it is a marathon. I am beginning to understand the real definition of persistence. You might think that you are a persistent person (I did), you might think that you know what the word means (Oh, just wait until they teach you about concept analysis), you might have completed some previous tasks that required persistence (they were good preparation), but this process requires a lot more persistence than you ever imagined.
Be aware that your endurance will build, but also actively try to build it by keeping up with the readings and thinking ahead. Nothing in the program is ever done; papers, projects, classes are only the blocks that you will use to write the next paper, do the next project or take the next class. There is no filler. It is all important. And that is overwhelming. So let go of the idea that you are going to finish something and move on to other things. I have files, on top of files, on top of stacks of articles that I know will be useful....for something later.
There has been very little coasting so far. The work is concussive. I have papers due in three weeks that are worth half of my grade for a class. I still have to write them even though I just got back all of my mid-quarter papers with grades that seem less than reflective of the extreme effort that went into them. Which leads me to another tip. Get a thick skin BEFORE you start a PhD program. The gloves are off. There isn't time for anyone to write "nice effort." It isn't that the grading is harsh, or unfair, it isn't. It's just that we are going to be the colleagues of the professors that are grading these papers. And they are not planning on raising any fools. They're using each paper we write as a place to give constructive criticism. It has all been constructive, it has almost all been criticism also. I have learned to live for the "nicely done" comment or the "interesting thought" scribbled in a margin. They are manna to me.
These papers are also, for the first time in my educational career, all applicable. Because the assignments are tailored so that each student can write them on the phenomenon of interest relevant to that student, they are all a chance to increase knowledge. What I have found to be very, very helpful is that I had some articles and basic knowledge on my topic before entering the program. This leads me to my last tip for this post. Before entering a PhD program, it is important to have accumulated and read at least some articles in the area that you would like to research. For one of the applications to schools, I had to write a scholarly paper. The articles that I found for that paper have served as references, places to look for other references, and idea-generators for all of the papers I've written this quarter. The amount of time it would have taken to find them during the quarter might have been crippling.
So that's it. I'm still loving it, but the honeymoon is over. I'm off to take NyQuil and go to bed. I have to get up and start working early. :)
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Beat Down
So. I am exhausted. I could read everyday, all day, and still be behind. I am in the middle of what might be called mid-terms, or what might also be called an outer circle of paper-writing hell. In the last few weeks, I have actually noticed my vision getting worse. I think that it is from all of the reading. This is the less fun part of the program.
I am still staying afloat, even in this sea of never-ending papers, but I'm concerned about not doing well. (I almost made a very bad joke about regression towards the mean, or as we just learned it is also called, regression towards mediocrity. Aren't you glad I stopped myself?) I'm worried that in this paper-flurry from you-know-where, that I am not writing my best or truly learning as much as I could in the process.
To counter this potential negative effect, I have a new plan. First, I am going to continue to do what I have been doing well. It works for me to start papers early and spend the days before they are due tweaking them. I like to have that window and time to make them better. Secondly, I will not eat junk food. I am up late tonight because I have a stomachache from cookies. Not sleeping due to intestinal pain does not help my productivity. Thirdly, I am going to get control of my time again. That means that I will, no matter what, fit in exercise and breaks. I am willing to sacrifice my vision to this program, but not my sanity. Also, when things are stressful, not exercising, crappy sleep hygiene, and eating poorly only make it much, much worse for me.
I know that this is a transition. I've been out of school, practicing nursing, and this is the first batch of papers and assignments that are due. This if the painful part of acculturating to this new way of thinking and performing.
It will be fine. I can do this.
I am still staying afloat, even in this sea of never-ending papers, but I'm concerned about not doing well. (I almost made a very bad joke about regression towards the mean, or as we just learned it is also called, regression towards mediocrity. Aren't you glad I stopped myself?) I'm worried that in this paper-flurry from you-know-where, that I am not writing my best or truly learning as much as I could in the process.
To counter this potential negative effect, I have a new plan. First, I am going to continue to do what I have been doing well. It works for me to start papers early and spend the days before they are due tweaking them. I like to have that window and time to make them better. Secondly, I will not eat junk food. I am up late tonight because I have a stomachache from cookies. Not sleeping due to intestinal pain does not help my productivity. Thirdly, I am going to get control of my time again. That means that I will, no matter what, fit in exercise and breaks. I am willing to sacrifice my vision to this program, but not my sanity. Also, when things are stressful, not exercising, crappy sleep hygiene, and eating poorly only make it much, much worse for me.
I know that this is a transition. I've been out of school, practicing nursing, and this is the first batch of papers and assignments that are due. This if the painful part of acculturating to this new way of thinking and performing.
It will be fine. I can do this.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Tightrope
I am well into the first quarter now. This is the fourth week for two of my classes and the third week for two others. Since the quarter system is 10 weeks (give or take a week for finals) then I'm a solid third of the way into these topics. Already my view and ability to read the research critically has improved. My ideas about my topic of interest have expanded. I can feel myself starting to pull ideas together, but I'm still overwhelmed by the readings and I have well more than my previous estimate of papers still to do.
This week I've completed my class readings (no simple feat as reading for the program is a very active process), have made significant progress on my group assignment, written the rough draft for my paper in my theory development class, started the rough draft for the qualitative class, thought deeply about the topic for my philosophy class, and managed to post this blog entry. Let's just stop and review that list....it is a thing of beauty. But wonderful accomplishments often have a steep price...
I haven't gone to the gym in two weeks. I have forgotten to eat on multiple occasions. My butt goes numb from sitting and reading all day. I haven't talked to important members of my family in weeks.
I think that my major failure for this first third of the first quarter is that I haven't managed to find my balance of school and life yet. It is time that I at least focus a little on that balance. I am nurse first, before almost anything else, and I know that health is not passively achieved. So starting on Thursday, I am going to avail myself of the campus gym.And then on Friday, I'm going to go back to the gym again. And maybe take a walk to the park too.
It won't be a problem - maybe I can jog on the treadmill and read my assignments at the same time!
This week I've completed my class readings (no simple feat as reading for the program is a very active process), have made significant progress on my group assignment, written the rough draft for my paper in my theory development class, started the rough draft for the qualitative class, thought deeply about the topic for my philosophy class, and managed to post this blog entry. Let's just stop and review that list....it is a thing of beauty. But wonderful accomplishments often have a steep price...
I haven't gone to the gym in two weeks. I have forgotten to eat on multiple occasions. My butt goes numb from sitting and reading all day. I haven't talked to important members of my family in weeks.
I think that my major failure for this first third of the first quarter is that I haven't managed to find my balance of school and life yet. It is time that I at least focus a little on that balance. I am nurse first, before almost anything else, and I know that health is not passively achieved. So starting on Thursday, I am going to avail myself of the campus gym.And then on Friday, I'm going to go back to the gym again. And maybe take a walk to the park too.
It won't be a problem - maybe I can jog on the treadmill and read my assignments at the same time!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
The thick of it
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| Holga Picture! |
Everything for right now is pretty much the same, though things are getting a little more intense. I have four assignments due in the next three weeks. They range from being fairly minor, two-page papers to full mid-term papers worth almost half of the class grade. They are my top priority starting tomorrow morning. Today, I spent my time in a meeting about the other project I'm working on and working at the clinic that I volunteer at for my own joy!
I meant to start working on my papers and readings (because even if there are assignments, the readings continue) but my phone wasn't accepting calls. So I worked on that, made and ate dinner and played with KitKit and the night was pretty much done.
I have social/fun things scheduled on Sunday and also all day to work on Monday. But I need to get a lot done tomorrow. It's off to sleep with me, I have to wake up and function in the AM! And I'd also like to get at least a short run in tomorrow.
As this was a boring post, I'll end by wishing everybody a wonderful weekend! See you next week!
PS. If you want to leave a comment, I would love to read it!
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