A brief story of how I signed up for a fifth class... And a long update on the process itself

I really feel like I'm in the thick of things now. First I want to tell you an amusing story and then I want to highlight some of what it feels like to be taking these classes during this first semester. But as a quick prologue to both, I wanted to restate why I am writing this blog. I originally envisioned this blog as a way to fill a gap that I found when I was researching the idea of applying for PhD programs. I didn't find very many nursing PhD blogs. I found one, but it didn't seem to be near the beginning and navigating back to the start of the nurse-blogger's program was tricky on her site. Also, I found non-nurse PhD blogs, but I coudn't judge their applicability or similarity to our process. While this blog is at times personal, that is only because this process is personal and affects more than just me. So if you're here reading just for information on what it is to be a student, I want to give you as much of that as I can. And if you're here reading for personal stuff, like my sister or my husband, then I want to update you as well....

So now a little background on how I signed up for a fifth class... We are very lucky at our school because the university highly values collaboration in research. To this end, they offer many, many seminars and classes that are not core requirements but instead are opportunities to network and learn from experts in other fields. Also, if there is a class in another specialty that you want to take to learn, but don't really want to be tested on, etc, you can audit it or take it for fewer hours and opt out of a paper or two. This was explained to us as an overview, but it seemed weird to me. At my previous university you paid per semester hour, so any extra class might raise your tuition. Not so, here. One of the seminar classes looked interesting to me, so I went to it during my lunch. I thought that I would just sit in the back and get a feel for it... Only, that's not it works here. We had to introduce ourselves and sign-in. This "seminar" is a graded class (whoops!). BUT, the grade is only based on participation. As there were only 10 of us, it didn't seem like a good idea to just leave. And it is an interesting class...it is also, however, my fifth class. Yikes.

So here's some info. on what I've figured out so far about the PhD process, though, it is specific to my program. Our classes are on the quarter system versus the semester system. This means that we have approximately 10 weeks of classes, with finals for some classes being in an eleventh week. The semester system is usually 16 weeks. The pace feels fast. Thankfully, it is all very interesting and the professors seemed to have chosen good texts. I am expected to read around 100 pages of materiel for each class. There isn't much "homework" and what there is, isn't usually graded. The homework is to help each student develop their research goals in the long-term (to make you start thinking) and to be the basis of your papers for class. Most of the classes have a mid-term paper and a final paper. The grade for these classes is made up of 90% from the papers and 10% from participation. How long each paper is expected to be varies. Most of the midterm papers seem to be less than 10 pages, but the final papers are expected to be as long as 20 pages. Each student may take classes for approximately 2 years. After that, a student takes the classes that they need to learn and write about their topic. There are classes that are highly recommended for every student but there are no required classes at all. 

The whole program is not designed by chance. Each class is intended to build on the one before, marching us closer and closer to our study and making us experts (or as close as anyone can be without having years and years of research behind them) on research and our topic. I am trying for a PhD, not a DNP, so this is a research-focused degree. What that means is that I will need to write qualifying exams, if I pass, I will advance to candidacy and then I would need to design, implement and write a study that creates new nursing knowledge. Then I would need to finish my dissertation and defend it before I can achieve my degree. I am expected to keep making progress at all points along this plan; stalling out means that a student might be asked to leave. The time limit is 7 years.

I'm going to be honest and tell people out there that I did not have a clear idea of what was expected in this degree until the first day of orientation. I had a better idea than some people because I had gotten a book that was a general guide to PhDs from the bookstore, but I didn't know the specific process. There is a reason this is important! I want a research degree. This is the path that appeals to me most. But for many who are considering this path, they don't understand that a PhD doesn't have much to do with learning new clinical skills. We are not becoming mini-MDs. We are becoming researchers and educators, with the emphasis on researchers. We are trying to learn how new nursing knowledge is created. An article that I read once said that there is a high PhD failure rate because people have confused expectations, if you are considering this degree, you need to be very clear about your expectations and goals.

So I'm off to do my reading, work on the project I'm helping out with, and try to finish my non-graded homework! I hope that this post was helpful to some people. If anyone is actually out there reading this and considering a PhD, feel free to post a question about the process. I may not be far enough along to answer it fully, but I'll give you whatever knowledge I have!

First Day of Class!

Thanks to three days of orientation, I felt prepared for the first day of classes today. We're starting out with the basics of a research degree: philosophy and theory. I am a fan of philosophy. My most memorable undergraduate class was a philosophical class.

In fact, if I wasn't interested, the first reading might have been a little overwhelming! Thankfully, there are some good on-line dictionaries. We are asking some really interesting questions in our classes. Today we discussed what knowledge is and whether it can accurately reflect reality. We discussed reality. We talked about what constitutes and comprises nursing knowledge. We wondered whether nursing has to have its own theories or how important nursing theories are if there are strong research theories already developed. And like every philosophy class I've ever been in, we didn't resolve anything. I loved it. It is really nice to just think.

In the very short time that I've been working on this degree (the entire first day) I've noticed that there is an emphasis on thinking. My previous degrees emphasized skills. We did learn how to read research and we studied some basic statistics, but our goal was to develop and use skills. That is a great goal, and I'll use those skills my whole life. My nursing knowledge is what defines a good part of who I am, no matter how I define nursing knowledge. But I am really excited to begin to understand the history of that knowledge and the theories that helped create it.

Knowledge is power! Well actually what is accepted as knowledge may be influenced by who is in power therefore making it less representative of reality for some people...but still, yay!

I worked a little on my project after class but my cat was really a little too interested in helping and I ended up giving him a brushing and then making dinner.

He is very helpful.

Orientation Day 1

So today was the first day of orientation. The day was focused mostly on technology and technology systems that we would need as students. It was much more interesting than I would have expected. In spite of the evidence of this blog, a technological accomplishment, I am not particularly technologically savvy. Trust me, my husband can attest to the fact that if there is anything that I believe about technology it is that it should just work without me ever knowing how it does. But as a wittier TV writer than me once penned for a character, "computers can smell fear."

The opening part of the day was a lesson on the new legislation surrounding the importance of keeping patient information private. As a nurse, this is well known to me. I have twice been an employee of institutions upgrading to electronic medical records, and I have been a patient of a medical center that kept my data electronically. I want that information to stay secure as much as any nurse or patient. But I was startled today to learn that there is legislation now in place allowing for an individual health provider, not just the institution that they work for, to be charged both criminally and civilly for a breach of patient confidentiality. Yikes.

I was very glad that I am not currently working with any patient information. I was also very glad that my husband spent some of this weekend attempting to upgrade the safety of our computers! I am very lucky that he is so smart about computer stuff.

I also wanted to share this youtube video that was shown in our orientation. The faculty person who played it said that it was a couple of years old (and in today's tech crazy world that is a huge amount of time!) but it was interesting to me.

A Vision of Students Today

Orientation continues tomorrow.

Countdown

On Monday I start orientation and one week from today I start the actual courses! I can't believe how quickly this time has passed. I have readings due for the first day of lecture. Most importantly, I get to meet the rest of my class! (Or "cohort" as we are called by the school....)

I worked today on starting the reading and evaluation of the research for the project I mentioned yesterday. I enjoy the topic and time is flying. The primary author of the article had a large amount of background research at hand and has passed that on to me as a starting place. I focused on the British research related to our topic today. It was startling to me that the US and the UK are discussing similar themes related to this topic. Most of what I read was very applicable.

To help organize my thoughts and keep track of the studies, I'm working on an annotated bibliography and a chart describing the articles. As a rule I'm not taking notes as I read, but instead trying to read each article through and recognize any important themes, especially as they may be applicable to our article. Then I'm re-reading areas that I think are most relevant. I hope my thoroughness early on saves me time later.

I am looking forward to the weekend. My sister suggested a movie that sounds like fun, and the idea of dinner and a movie with my husband are very appealing to me right now!

Lastly, I want anyone who is reading this blog to feel comfortable posting a question, a comment, or de-lurking for a nano-second to send a little wave. It would make me feel great. Thanks!

Like water off a duck's back

Not too much bothers this cat.

Today was a bit much. First, I want to say that I am lucky to be working on a project with a wonderful researcher. This is an incredible opportunity. It is also hard, thoughtful work. Yesterday, we sat down and discussed the project. I had plans today to start working on this project and to meet with my primary advisor. I went to sleep last night with a firm and positive idea of what today was going to be.

I woke up and it pretty quickly started to unravel. What is amazing to me is that something external to me can have such an effect on the day. At least it can have such an effect on my day. What's also interesting to me is that the true reason that something bothers me isn't always as clear to me as I would wish. Perhaps being alone in a new city lowered my defenses. I really want someday to be the person who can respond with kindness and wisdom to the best and worst that I encounter even if I'm otherwise stressed.

Basically, yesterday, I posted a link to a social service I had visited on my facebook page. Someone who has an opposite political view used the opportunity as a way to expound their beliefs. They weren't overtly rude, just passive-aggressive. Once again, perhaps because my defenses were down, the discussion felt a little more invasive or hurtful to me than maybe it should have felt.

I can see two views on this. First, I posted this link on a relatively public forum. That essentially cleared the way for a contrary and very political opinion. It was a forum that was open to people that I had allowed to see it. A public forum, even a limited one, is essentially open. My opposite feeling goes something like this: the comment I posted was not overtly political so to make the response political was not appropriate, even in a public, non-moderated space. In fact, nothing I stated was political, though the link was to a social service; I have noticed that social services have become more targeted as this country has entered its current fiscal crisis. To force the conversation into a political arena, though, seemed an almost willful disregard for the spirit of the post.

The second view is about opinions. Yes, anyone can post an opinion or a response on facebook. Anything that one wants to write can be written down. But remember that trite old saying, "just because you can, doesn't mean you should?" That saying seems suddenly very applicable. We all have opinions, beliefs. I like peas, for example, but my husband doesn't. People don't (at least most people don't) see any benefit in having a public argument about whose vegetable preferences are "right" and whose are "wrong."  How really, is my happiness at seeing a social service made available any more assailable than anyone's vegetable preference? I can not prove that I'm correct. I can only support what I say with research. I did that, but at some point the person I'm speaking to has to be willing to accept that data, which he wasn't.

In the end, I felt a little dazed that my perfectly innocuous post had turned into a nightmare discussion about politics. I have no idea how he felt. And that really is the problem with a publicly stated opinion in a social-media forum: you aren't able to read the recipient of your statement's cues. It's a two-sided discussion without the one-sided limiting factor of conscience. I still don't know if he wanted to be hurtful, or if he just couldn't read my cues. I tried to couch my responses in a polite but firm way, but maybe I failed. I can't tell.

I'm here posting this because I feel that we all need to be more careful about what and how we say things in a public, social-networking forum. I want to be a community-builder, but today I felt like someone who lost that battle.

It also shrunk my whole day down into being constantly afraid of the next post. It made it hard to work. This externality (so harmless, just a facebook message) impacted my entire day. I could have just de-friended him, but again, what about community? I don't want to repeat this experience, but without just cutting people off, I don't know how to prevent it. Until I gain more grace,  I think that I'll just have to keep learning how to let more roll off my back.

Officially Official

So I'm now official! I went today and obtained my student ID. Like all official identifications, the process involved trying to find an office in the basement of a large building and a significantly less than flattering photo of myself. But, I now have documentation that  I am a "Doctoral Student." It was worth it.

I also received my first course syllabus. The course appears to explore the philosophical foundations of science and nursing science. I glanced through one of the required texts in the university bookstore and I ended up reading an entire section on postmodernism theory in research.  The readings interest me and I like theory. The only concerning aspect was that the entire class grade is based on only three things: class participation and two papers. Yikes! The syllabus indicated that the first paper should be 4 pages long and is worth 40% of the grade. No pressure though...each page is only 10% of my entire grade for the class!

The toll of being pretty much by myself and separated from my husband is starting to wear a little. I have made contact with two people I know in the city and I hope to see them next week. In the past, I've found being in classes a good way to find and keep friends. But I also know that forming new, close friendships is harder as we get older. I'm glad that I'm in the nursing program because we'll all at least have one initial commonality.

We made it!

King of the boxes!

The move went well! The movers were professional and the furniture and boxes arrived almost completely unscathed. I was very impressed. We had heard a ton of horror stories about movers and I am so glad to say that we didn't experience anything unpleasant.

Also, I was really, really relieved that all of our stuff fit into our new place. We knew ahead of time that we were decreasing our amount of living space by about a third. I went ahead and attempted to weed out about a third of our stuff so that we wouldn't be cramped in the new apartment. I must have done a good job as everything we brought we're using and there's actually room for us and our stuff without a feeling of clutter.

Living closer has allowed me to also make some progress on things like financial aid and registration. On Tuesday I spent a large amount of the day making arrangements to discuss my funding and aid with "people in charge." So far, I am quite lucky that it all seems to be working out for the best. To meet my appointments, I had to figure out the university shuttle system. There are a few campus sites around the city and different offices may be located at any campus.

The shuttle is wonderful and saves me time and money. The city has incredible public transportation, but the shuttle is more direct. To ride it, you do need some courage. Careening down the hills here is...exciting. A couple of times I thought that I'd left my stomach at the top while my body continued down without it. The drivers accelerated down some of the hills, and when I looked around to see who else was about to lose their lunch, everyone was just quietly reading! Acclimation or fearlessness? I'll let you know.

I also figured out when orientation is supposed to take place. Now, I got this info. from the school website, so I still don't know important stuff like when and where to meet. I await an e-mail or packet or something about all of that...

Finally, yesterday I had another meeting with a  researcher whose work I admire. I'm hoping to work with her during my program. She invited me to a seminar on the area of research that I'm most interesting in studying. It was one of the most interesting lectures I've ever been to, and it re-ignited my drive to do this. During the move, there were many times when I questioned my resolve and even my ability to be a PhD student. When my husband had to fly back and I knew that he wouldn't be with me again for 10 days, I came very close to a real crisis. To be re-connected with why I want to be here was so very helpful this week.